Jumping

I'm finding it hard to write.

When you've got nothing to do all day there's very little you can report on. I'm used to spending my days doing something productive. Actually, thinking about it, I'm not used to doing nothing.

Unemployment is a very strange place to live in. It's very lonely and quiet until it hits 5:30 when most of the people I know finish work. I spend my mornings applying to jobs, most of which I have decided to not exist. I get a call from a recruitment agency every so often. They take down my details and insist they have a few positions available. they then ask me how long I've been in sales. I tell them that I've never sold anything in my life and if they'd bothered to actually read my CV they'd know that.

My afternoons are either spent watching a stream of dvds with a ton of chocolate or they're spent at Bimbo's. I love spending time with Bimbo but I feel so demotivated every time I see her. According to Bimbo I shouldn't feel the need to work. Work is a man's job, and since Solicitor has more than enough money to support us both, I should start thinking about the future.

You know Solicitor and I have thought about getting married and having children, but there is so much more that I want to achieve in life. True, I don't actually have solid goals written down that I'm crossing off as I achieve them, but I still think there's so much more for me to do first.

Solicitor's brother called me yesterday and asked me how my business plan was coming along. I told him the truth. On paper it looks great but I'm terrified of taking the plunge.

"You've got nothing to lose now, Elise. Take the plunge."

I couldn't sleep last night. I feel like I'm on the edge of a diving board. I have to jump.

I really do mean it

I know I've said this before, but this time I really do mean it. I'm back.

Without a job.

The last two months have been sheer hell. New Guy and CEO worked hard together to get rid of me. You know something, I don't go down without a fight.

Melinda sorted through all of the "evidence" that I'd gathered and helped me make sense of it all. She then told me to file a grievance for Bullying and Harassment under the Act of Sex Discrimination.

The day that I wrote the grievance to CEO was the day that CEO decided to offer me a deal. He called a meeting in the boardroom at 11am, two hours after he received my letter. He offered me a substantial amount of money to drop the grievance and leave the company. I'm not stupid. I knew that he knew that I had a great hand. And I played off the fact that he knew it.... if that makes sense?

I put my negotiating skills into practice. I listed all the reasons that I should take CEO and New Guy to court. I loved the fact that beads of sweat began to appear on CEO's forehead. His hands trembled slightly. He tripled his offer and I stood up and shook his hand.

"A pleasure doing business with you. My lawyer will contact you."

I picked up my bag and sashayed out of the boardroom. I headed down to Admin and picked up the huge bag of stuff that I'd cleared out from my desk.

Stoner met me at the front entrance. He hugged me tightly. I kissed him on the cheek and left.

I drove straight to Bimbo's. She stopped working a month before she had her beautiful baby girl, with no plans of returning. We celebrated our "leaving do" with a cup of tea and chocolate cake.

Melinda

I suppose I should go back and explain.

It all started with the 'disciplinary action' that New Guy took against me. I had a cold and I took a sick day. Apparently I didn't have a good enough reason for absence. After our official meeting, he issued me with an official warning. Solicitor went mad.

Fortunately for me New Guy had no idea that Solicitor is not only a lawyer, but that he also used to do business with the company. Solicitor urged me to write a letter appealing the outcome of the meeting to CEO.

Now here's where it got interesting. I should open up my own private spy company.

I hacked into New Guys emails. His password was pretty easy to figure out. He's a huge football fan. I typed in 'arsenal' and it worked! Scrolling through them I found quite a few from CEO. The one that stood out for me was their master plan.

RE: Project

(New Guy)

How did she take the written warning? We definitely followed the correct procedure issuing it. She just needs to slip two more times before we can proceed.

Any thoughts about (Wanker's) proposal?

(CEO)

My heart stopped when I read that. I pressed the print button and looked through the sent messages.


RE: Project

(CEO)

You're right. We have followed procedure. it may be a little tough short term but with the current economic climate as it is we could really do with the extra £38k to increase profits.

I have thought about (Wanker's) proposal. I think it's a little premature at the moment, however I will give it some thought.

As far as I can see the company needs a complete make-over. I will talk through different strategies with my team before presenting them to yourself.

Regards,

(New Guy)

Print.

I read through both emails. Surly they couldn't be talking about what I thought they were talking about? They want to get rid of me to increase profits? What proposal?

The more I thought about it the angrier I became. Later that night I showed Solicitor the emails. He read through them and re-read my written warning. The written warning had been drafted by a lawyer. It followed a generic layout and included certain phrases.

Their "project", whatever it may be, had been carefully planned out.

CEO terminated the companies services with Solicitors law firm. There's no way that Solicitor would ever agree to be involved with constructively dismissing a member of staff, especially if it were me.

New Guy definitely was not who he said he was. He clearly had a relationship with both CEO and Wanker before he joined the company. The only question was, what?

CEO received my appeal through the post the following day. He immediately sent an email to New Guy.

RE: Project

(New Guy)

I received a letter of appeal from Elise. However, I can't say this surprises me. Her boyfriend is in law. I expect she'll be receiving legal advice through that route.

Hopefully our ends are tied tight enough.

It's best if you continue to share and office with her until this matter is taken care of.

(CEO)


RE: Project

(CEO)

I can't help feeling that this has become a personal issue. In business it is wise to keep things as simple as possible.

Please keep me informed of all information. Small details, such as her boyfriend, make things more complicated than they need to be.

(New Guy)

Print. Print. Print.

Over the next few days I began collecting and slotting together pieces of the jigsaw puzzle. I desperately wanted to share with Stoner but this time I had to do it alone. I couldn't chance anything. I picked up the phone several time to call Gay Boss. I had to hang up before I could get through.

Solicitor gave me an address a week later. I dropped in during a lunch break. A petite middle-aged blond woman with a kind face held out her hand as I walked in.

"Elise, I'm Melinda. (Solicitor) told me the situation. Take a seat."

No, I haven't been hit by a bus. I'm back

No, I haven't been hit by a bus. I'm back.

The last couple of months have been... well 'a living hell' might be the best way to explain it.

About a month ago my sister and brother-in-law took a romantic weekend away to Barcelona. Nephew stayed with me and Solicitor. I love having Nephew around. He's so sweet and he always manages to say the funniest things without meaning to.

On the Saturday afternoon Solicitor went out to the pub with a few of his friends. Nephew and I amused ourselves with poster paint and coloured card. I'm not really the creative type but I was having a whale of a time with the crafts session. Nephew showed me how to finger-paint the image of a house onto blue card. We ended up finger-painting each others faces.

After we cleaned up Nephew settled down with Toy Story 2 while I busied myself in the kitchen. I opened a packet of chicken dippers and poured some onto a baking tray. I looked on the back of the packet for an oven temperature. Normally the packet would convert the temperature for you, but all I found was Pre-heat oven Gas Mark 6.

Now I know that its not really a big deal, but for some reason I started to stress out. I suddenly got quite angry and I called the telephone number at the bottom of the packet. All I got was an automated service line. I slammed the phone down in frustration. The stupid bloody packet didn't have a temperature on it. I felt completely helpless.

"Aunt Elise?"

Nephew gazed at me from the doorway. His big brown eyes full of concern. I tried to smile at him, to reassure him that I was fine.

"It's okay Baby"

"Then why are you crying?"

Yep. I had started crying. In fact, I had started crying and I had stopped breathing. My chest began to tighten up. I felt a wave of sudden dizziness. I started to panic. If I didn't start breathing soon I may collapse and die here on the kitchen floor. Nephew wouldn't get his chicken dippers!

Nephew's face began to morph in front on me. He was so frightened. I hated that I scared him. I tried so hard to smile and tell him that everything was okay. But at the time I honestly believed that I was going to die. The walls began closing in. my chest got tighter and tighter. I sank to the floor.

I don't remember exactly what happened, but I soon found myself in the car with Solicitor. He had wound the windows down. The cool air filled my lungs. I could breath! I still couldn't speak, but at least I could breath!

I sat tearfully in A&E for a good few hours. Nephew had fallen asleep. His head resting on Solicitor's lap. What was wrong with me? I'd ruined Nephew's weekend. Solicitor looked angry. He stared at the floor deep in thought.

"I'm sorry."

He sucked in his breath.

"Don't apologise. Just sort it out. Call Melinda on Monday."

I nodded.

"And you're not going to Manchester. You'll have to reschedule"

"But-"

Solicitor's low voice of authority cut off my protest.

"Elise, don't make me say it twice."

Poker Face

Yesterday I received a letter from New Guy.

Last week I had a bad case of a cold. The type that hits you gradually. It starts with feeling cold. The type of cold where you have to continuously rub you hands together and curl up in a tight ball to stay warm. You feel like you have a razor blade lodged in your throat. You can't focus on anything. Even the simple task of going to the bathroom seems like an impossible mission. You're head feels sore and heavy...

Obviously I couldn't drive to work like that. I'd be a hazard. So I took time off.

When I arrived on Monday morning New Guy happily handed me an official letter. Disciplinary Action in accordance with Statutory Disciplinary Procedures...

I choked.

I had to read it again. I apparently failed to provide a "reasonable explanation for my absence". Now I'm no expert on the matter, but I'm pretty sure that having a cold is a fucking reasonable explanation for absence.


I went for a walk to clear my head. And to calm down. I didn't want to get arrested for assault.

I pulled out my phone and text Gay Boss. (I should really change his name but I can't be bothered)

He called me.

"Hey"

"Hey"

He paused.

"So... um... how's it going?"

"Awful!"

Gay Boss paused. A wave of hysteria took over and I started laughing. I laughed until I cried.

I hadn't spoken to Gay Boss since he left. I missed him terribly. His dry remarks always used to crack me up. He could make me laugh in almost any situation.

"I've got a disciplinary"

"Oh its your turn now."

"Thanks."

"A Pleasure."

I loved the way it sounded so casual. Suddenly the situation didn't seem so bad. We spoke for almost an hour. I told him that New Guy is a sexist prick. He told me that he's been to China.

Of course, the conversation quickly turned back to my Disciplinary. Gay Boss is well aware, from experience, of the steps that will follow. I'm about to be managed out.

"You know, its only when you step back and leave that you realise how fucked up that company really is."

"I can see how fucked up it is. God, I need a holiday."

"Well its been a few months and I still haven't recovered. I'm nearly normal but not quite there yet."

It's my turn now. I have a target circle tattooed on me.

I'm not worried about the Disciplinary Action. I haven't done anything wrong. It's the drama that will follow the meeting that concerns me. I've seen how the game is played here. Lucky for me I think I've been dealt a good hand.

Now all I need to do is put on my Poker Face.

"Oh, and she showed me her boobs..."

Yesterday was beautiful day. A complete contrast to Tuesday.

Stoner and I had Lunch outside on a park bench.

"Oh I found a replacement."

"For who?"

"For you. Someone else I'd rather have lunch with."

Stoner was only teasing but I couldn't help feeling jealous.

"Yeah? Who is she?"

"She petite, like you. Dark hair, like you. Beautiful eyes, like you. Oh, and she showed me her boobs."

Stoner casually took a bite into his sandwich. I looked at him and rolled my eyes.

"Were you dreaming?" I asked sweetly. Stoner laughed and told me the story.

On Tuesday Stoner went to Costa for lunch. He managed to find himself a corner table. As he sat down a sweet voice caused him to look up.

"Can I join you? The tables are full."

Stoner nodded and she sat down. She ripped open two packets of brown sugar and stirred them into her latte. Stoner couldn't help noticing how soft her hands looked. He cleared his throat and tried to think of something to say.

"So.. um.. you work around here?"

The girl smiled and nodded. She pointed at the bank across the road.

"First day."

"And how are you finding it?"

"Boring."

"How come?"

"No cute guys."

Stoner laughed. He couldn't resist the urge to flirt.

"Oh! Now I see why you came and sat with me."

She laughed and flicked her hair over her shoulder.

"What makes you think that I think your cute?"

"I didn't say that. But now that you mention it..."

The conversation went on. Each person playfully teasing the other. They were comfortable with each other. She was easy to talk to. Easy to laugh with.

"You think my boobs are too big?"

It came out of nowhere. Stoner tried hard not to look. But she invited him to look didn't she?

Her coat was slightly open. The top few buttons on her black shirt were undone. He could see her cleavage. She leaned over. Shit! What was he supposed to do? She was showing him! Would it be rude to look? Would it be rude not to look?

He looked. He couldn't help it. He has no idea why guys love boobs so much but they do. When a pretty young woman decides to lean over and reveal all its a guys duty to look.

He looked back up at her. She smiled and pulled her coat shut.

"It was nice having lunch with you. Maybe another time?"

"Um... yeah."

"See you around."

She picked up her bag and walked out.

"So are you going to see her again?"

"I have no idea. I don't even know her name."

"Wow what a skank."

Stoner smiled.

"Yeah. So I'm replacing you."

"You can't replace me with a nameless ho."

"Look Elise, you have to step up in the game. Make it worth my while."

He looked at my chest pointedly and winked. I kicked him under the table.

Sticky Pink Stuff and Squelching Shoes

My car broke down this morning.

I'm not a snob. I take public transport all the time. I would be lost without the tubes and buses. How would I get to clubs and bars without them?

However, it's been years since I took public transport during rush hour. Buses and trains crowded with swearing school children. Swarms of people walking at 80 miles an hour with the Metro Newspaper folded under one arm and a Costa Coffee cup in their other hand.

British people are so miserable!

Nobody smiles at anyone. They keep they're eyes averted and stare into space until they reach their stop. Nobody talks to anyone. Apart from the occasional pissed off "tut" nobody utters a word.

It brings back memories. I remember now why I was thrilled when I passed my driving test and bought myself a car. I remember why I'd rather pay the Congestion Charge and drive to work, even if it means that I have to sit in traffic for an extra half an hour.

When I finally arrived at my stop I walked out into a puddle. Stupid, uneven pavement! My stylish compact umbrella was no match for the heavy rain. How the hell could somebody design an umbrella that doesn't shield you from the rain?! Isn't that the whole point?

By the time I arrived to work I was miserable, snappy and drenched from head to toe.

As I squelched up the stairs to my office I preparing myself for a bad day my phone began ringing. Aimee??

"Hi?"

"Hi Elise."

"Um... how are you?"

"Good. You?"

"Yeah I'm great."

I stood outside my office door digging into my bag for my key. Shit, where did I put it? Eww whats that sticky stuff? Oh shit! My lipstick. Where's the lid?

I tried hard to concentrate on what she was saying.

"Uh huh.... uh huh...."

"... so I was thinking maybe Earls Court? There's this restaurant that I love. Seven o'clock Friday okay?"

"Uh huh... Great."

Wait. What?

"You'll love him! Honestly he's dying to meet you guys. I'll speak to you soon and tell you everything okay?"

Wait. What? Yuck! There's all pink stuff on my keys.

"Love you lots Elise. Bye honey!"

Okay. I think, I'm not entirely sure, but I think that I've agreed to dinner with Aimee and whoever "he" may be.

Solicitor is going to kill me! The last time we saw Aimee he specifically told her (and me) that she shouldn't contact either of us and that he wanted her completely out of our lives.

It's not a problem I'll just call her back and...

Oh Shit! Phone.

"Hey babe. You okay?"

"Did you speak to Aimee?"

"Yeah she just called. Something about Earls Court."

"Elise, we are not meeting up with her."

"Yeah I know I was just going to cancel.."

"So tell me, how long have you and my ex wife been talking?"

"We're not... I haven't.."

"Fuck it. We'll talk about this later."

Solicitor can be such an idiot sometimes. I actually felt like I did something wrong. She called me! I didn't call her. I didn't even know what I agreed to.

If the stupid keys weren't at the bottom of my bag... You know something, I knew I shouldn't have taken the lipstick with me... Blood wet shoes... Stupid train...It's the stupid cars fault. It had to break down didn't it....

Okay. It's okay. It's not that bad. There are starving people in the world.

Oh great. My printer's not working.

Secret Meeting

The "sexist" situation at work has created a war.

There are two sides .

Side 1:
New Guy
Scruffy Artist
Part Time Guy (Creative Team. He's the gofer.)
Weirdo (Admin. He's the guy that told me and Bimbo about the Elite Orgy groups.)
4eyes (Accounts. Seriously easy to manipulate.)

Side 2:
Me
Bimbo
Stoner
Preppy (Accounts. Feminist.)
Irish (Admin. Chatty woman. Can't live without her mobile phone.)
IT Guy (IT Tech. Dry humour.)

For the first time in years Bimbo and Preppy are on the same side. Preppy always used to patronise Bimbo. She didn't really approve of Bimbo's sweet, slightly dim, personality. She now has a new found respect for her.

Side2 have claimed various locations to hold bitching session. Mainly the disabled toilets by Accounts. There's enough space in there for a mini party.

Yesterday afternoon Preppy text us and called a meeting. I was the first to arrive. I sprinted down the corridor. I may have been excited at the thought of an undercover meeting. It was like an MI5 secret calling! Or, it may have been the espresso...

I burst through the door. Preppy was perched on the toilet seat as if it were a throne. Head held high. Notebook resting on her lap. I pushed up onto the ledge by the sink. Damn! Should have checked it was dry.

Bimbo, Irish and Stoner arrived together. Bimbo hobbled in gripping onto Stoner's arm. Honestly, I've told her time and time again not to wear heels in her condition. I'm no expert on pregnancy but I'm sure its difficult to balance even without the heels. Preppy had to stand up and offer Bimbo the toilet seat. She was upset about losing her throne. I could tell.

IT Guy arrived last. He looked around with amusement. Preppy began madly gesturing at him.

"Lock the door!" she mouthed.

IT Guy sighed and flicked the lock. He leaned against the door and folded his arms.

"What's this all about?"

Preppy looked like she was going to burst.

"Shhhh!"

I snorted. Stoner caught my eye and bit back a smile.

"You may think that I'm being over cautious," she whispered "but we have to keep quiet!"

She flicked open her notebook and pulled out some photocopied pages. She passed them around in an official manor. It looked like a page from a legal book. As I glanced at the sheet I noticed that a few lines had been underlined with a red Biro.

"I've done some research and I think that we can approach the situation in a legal manor."

Whispering was taking its toll on Preppy's voice. It began to sound raspy. IT Guy smiled.

"Can you say that again?"

Preppy repeated herself in a loud whisper. She began coughing halfway through the sentence.

"Seriously, I didn't get that."

Irish poked IT Guy. Preppy looked so angry.

"Why don't we just email?" Bimbo asked

Preppy looked at her scornfully.

"Because this is a very important situation. We can't run the risk."

"But we don't have to use work accounts we can use personal ones right?"

I swear I saw I vein throbbing by Preppy's temple. She really needs to calm down. She'll end up bursting a blood vessel if she's not careful.

"It's not a bad idea." I voiced up.

We were all standing around in the toilets whispering! We must look so ridiculous. It's pretty hard to have a secret meeting when half the staff were missing. Someone was bound to notice and no amount of whispering would help us.

"You can scan the documents through and we could do our own research an come up with a plan."

Preppy turned on me.

"In case you've forgotten, everything that you look up on the Internet can be monitored."

IT Guy coughed.

"Excuse me, but in case you've forgotten, I do the IT around here. If anyone wants to trace things back they have to call me to do it."

"Do not talk to me like I'm stupid!"

I guess whispering went out the window. Preppy and IT Guy were heading for a full on argument.

Bimbo suddenly stood up.

"Look. This is stupid! We'll all use our personal email accounts and copy everyone in on everything, okay. (Preppy), your research in a step in the right direction. We'll all look at it and decide what to do. In case I'm mistaken, lawyers cost. If we can use research and sort it out without getting legal the better it will be for all of us. I'm hungry! I don't want to sit around in the toilets. I want some Hula Hoops." Bimbo began crying with frustration. "I had to walk up all those stairs. My peppermint tea is cold. My feet are hurting and I just want to sit down and relax. Is that too much to ask for? Is it?"

I slid off the ledge. My butt was wet. I put my arm around Bimbo and walked her out of the toilets. We accidentally left our photocopied sheets in the toilets.

Preppy hasn't emailed yet. I think she's a little sore.

I must admit this is fun!

Cutie Pie

I'm finding it difficult to control my anger.

New Guy is slightly sexist. Its rubbing off on some of the other guys.

Honey.....?
Sweetheart.....?
Good Girl....????

Fuck you!

People are beginning to call me Honey. I don't mind one of my close friends calling me Hun. I do mind a work colleague calling me Honey in a patronising voice.

"Honey, do you mind checking the Client Activity for the past two years? There's a Good Girl."

New Guy is just like CEO. He thinks I'm stupid. He's sending me random documents.

"Do you mind amending the spacing on this Sweetheart. Thanks a million."

Yes I do mind! I'm not a secretary.

Whenever anyone asks me to do something I just don't bother doing it. Why should I? It's not my job.

This morning I had an episode with Scruffy Artist in the main foyer. I bumped into him on my way to the chocolate machine. He smiled at me and said.

"Hey babe. You got any idea where I should put the designs? Do me a fav a create a new folder on the server. Thanks a million."

I lost it.

"Do not call me babe. I am not your fucking secretary so you create your own fucking folder. Frankly, I am fucked off with the way you've all started to fucking talk. You're a bunch of fucking sheep. Following like sheep, and getting fucked like sheep."

I was in the middle of talking about sheep when I realised that a crowd had developed. Stoner was desperately trying not to burst out laughing. I could hear him trying to control his snorts. Scruffy Artist looked embarrassed.

"Right... well... good."

I turned and slowly walked up the stairs. My head held high. Trying my best not to look like some crazed psychopath. When I got to the first floor I began running. I shut myself in my office and tried to control my breathing.

God I'm so unfit. How can sprinting up another flight of stairs and running down a corridor leave me so out of breath? I can't believe I actually thought about running the marathon.

Stoner knocked on my door a few minutes later.

"Are you okay?"

He was trying hard to keep a straight face. I stared at him. He couldn't hold it. He started laughing. He didn't stop.

"That was so funny! I've never seen so many people look so shocked. Sheep? What the hell were you thinking?"

I made us a cup of tea. We sat against the office door sipping and talking. I told him that I felt like I was being patronised. That I hated the way everyone seemed to be doing it. The attitude was catching on fast. He nodded sympathetically.

"Not just you. (Bimbo) feels the same way. (Preppy) from accounts is a little pissed off too. Yesterday (New Guy) called her Cutie Pie and winked."

I laughed. Preppy is not cute. She's a strong feminist and scorns at women that do not choose to follow a career path. She thinks its an insult to what women have worked hard to achieve.

"Maybe you guys should form a feminist group. Go on a march around the building. Burn your bra."

I smacked Stoner lightly on his leg.

"What?" He looked at me innocently. "I'd love to see you all take of your bras. Show us all a little bit of..."

He stopped.

"Yeah, you're right. It's catching on."

The way we...

Last Friday I got a call from Tequila Guy.

I got to work at around 10:30am. The traffic was bad, the weather was hot and I was miserable. New Guy gave me a huge smile when I walked into the office. He looked pointedly at the clock. I plonked myself down and removed my sunglasses. Ouch! the light hurt my eyes.

New Guy looked concerned. He asked me if I was okay. I told him that I'm prone to headaches and I just need a few hours without annoying human contact.

At around 11 I got a text on my phone.

I know I said I wouldn't call when I get to London so I thought I'd text. Are you free tonight?

Tequila Guy! I knew he couldn't come all the way to England and not contact me. I felt a wave of excitement. I quickly text back.

Where are you?

By the Natural History Museum...

Stay there. I'll be there in an hour.

I left work. I briefly told New Guy that I needed to sort something out. He assumed it was important and he wished me luck with whatever it was.

I met Tequila Guy outside the V&A. We hugged tightly. It had been so long since we'd seen each other. We laughed as we looked at each other. Observing changes. Seeing familiar expressions. God, I missed him.

We chatted easily together. Just like we always have. We walked around for hours. Catching up on each other lives. Playfully cracking jokes. Neither of us could stop smiling.

We finally stopped at a bar. We ordered drinks and sat quietly at a table outside. For some reason there was an awkward silence. As I struggled to think of something to say I reached into my bag for my emergency cigarette. I pulled out a slightly wonky Silk Cut and thumbled around for a lighter. Tequila Guy leaned over and pulled the cigarette from my lips.

"They're bad for you."

He squashed it into an ashtray. We both stared at the ashtray for a while, not knowing what to say.

"Elise."

"Yes?"

He looked away.

"Nothing."

I focused my attention on my straw. I stirred it around and poked the pieces of lime in my glass. I wanted to run away. I never in my wildest dreams thought that Tequila Guy and I would struggle to speak.

"Are you happy?"

I looked up into his gorgeous face. The light from the sun caught the yellowish green flecks in his golden eyes.

"Yes. I'm very happy. Are you?"

"Yes."

We smiled. Almost a sad smile. I went back to playing with my straw.

"You love him a lot don't you?"

I nodded. I do love Solicitor. I love the way he holds me close in his sleep. The way he wraps his arms around my waist when I'm trying to cook, deliberately distracting me. I even love the way we argue. So passionately. Each of us so certain that we are right.

Tequila Guy finished his Carlsberg. I gulped the rest of my Pimms and we began walking. I linked my arm with his and we walked in silence for a while.

"Do you love her?"

"Yes I do."

"Tell me what you love."

We talked for hours. Just walking. Tequila Guy told me what he loves about Tina. The way she bites her bottom lip when she's nervous. The way she holds his hand when he's driving. I told him what I love about Solicitor.

I called Solicitor a few hours later and told him that I was bringing an old friend to dinner. We decided to invite a few more people and have a barbecue.

I got so excited. I've never had a barbecue with Solicitor before. I dragged Tequila Guy around Tesco picking up meat, salad and the all important alcohol. I couldn't stop talking as I hurried up and down the isles in no particular order. Tequila Guy laughed at me.

"You're cute."

"Be careful... I have chicken and I'm not afraid to use it."

I waved the bag of chicken quarters at him before dumping it into the trolley.

"I love you."

I smiled back at him.

"I love you too."

A Breath Of Fresh Air

It's a breath of fresh air.

The new guy is... well he's... nice. That's the only way I can describe him. He's nice. He smiles. He makes jokes. He's upbeat and enthusiastic.

For the past week he's been sharing my office. He's slowly getting to grips with how things are run. He's dying to go out and find new business. He's eager to meet existing clients. And slowly but surely he's enthusiasm is killing me.

I would love to come into work and have and old fashioned bitch fight. A moody hello followed by a nasty comment. Without Gay Boss people are pleasant and boring.

Last Friday New Guy and I had a discussion. I told him the bad parts. CEO's random fits of illogical behaviour. I told him to be prepared for stalker-like behaviour if he does anything wrong. He was slightly shocked. He sat in silence for a while tapping away at his computer.

"Don't worry," I gave him a reassuring smile "You'll be fine."

......

"He's screwed."

Stoner and I had lunch together that day. It was warm enough to sit in park. We lay on the grass sharing a cigarette as we spoke about New Guy.

"In any other company it would be a fantastic attitude. He motivates people."

"Yep. But if you're like that here you'll fall harder."

"you think he'll fall?"

Stoner shrugged.

"They all do."

Gay Boss once told me about the person that he replaced. And the person before him. Stoner's right. They all fell. Gay Boss lasted the longest. CEO actually liked him for a long time. I wonder what changed.

......

On Saturday I began working hard on my business plan. I walked around the house conjuring up ideas. I threw tree loads of paper into the bin as I ruled out the ideas. I spent hours tracking down old contact information.

Towards the end of the day I was exhausted and frustrated.

Solicitor's brother came over for dinner that night with he's current girlfriend. (He's had about six different ones in the last four months.) As we sat down to eat I suddenly lunged for a pen and my notepad. I tripped over the rug in my desperation.

"What the fuck?"

Solicitor's brother looked at me alarmed. Solicitor shook his head and continued to pour drinks. He's used to my sudden outbursts of energy. I once sprung up out of bed in the middle of the night reaching for my notebook. He thought the house was on fire.

As I wrote down information that I suddenly recalled Solicitor explained my business idea to his brother. Throughout dinner Solicitor's brother showed a keen interest in my plan. He asked questions about the development strategy and he supplied new ideas.

"Elise, it's going to work. Nobody's doing what you're doing. It'll take time but when it takes off it will be amazing."

Amazing?! I love him!

Later that night as I was getting ready for bed I asked Solicitor for the millionth time if he thought it would work.

"Yes babe. It'll work."

"You think it'll be amazing?"

He dropped a kiss on my lips. A very sweet way of shutting me up.

"Do you?"

"Yes babe."

"Really?"

"Really."

"You're not just saying that?"

"Have you taken you're knickers off or do I have to it for you?"

"No more sarcastic swearing" (2)

Gay Boss left last Thursday.

After two hours in the boardroom with CEO he knocked on my office door to say goodbye. He held out his hand in a professional manner and told me that he'd come to wish me luck. My eyes welled up. I ignored his outstretched hand and I gave him a hug.

"Keep in touch."

"I will."

Then he was gone.

I sat alone in my office for a while thinking about the past few months. I finally stood up and walked into the boardroom. CEO was sitting at the head of the table sorting through sheets of paper.

"Elise! Hello, how are you?"

He gestured to a chair. I numbly sat down.

"Well, I guess you've heard." He smiled in a friendly manner. "They'll be some good changes around here. You'll meet the new guy tomorrow. He's a very nice man. Over fifteen years experience you know."

His voice tuned out. I sat in silence. Unable to say a word.

After a while CEO got up to leave. I stayed seated. As he walked to the door he looked over his shoulder.

"You will be nice to him won't you?"

Of course I'll be nice to him! What the hell does he think I'm like? It's not the new guy's fault is it?

I nodded. He shut the door.

I sat in the empty boardroom for a while. For the first time since working there I felt alone. Stoner finally knocked on the door and let himself in. We sat in silence holding hands.

"You know, nothing is going to be the same."

"No more late mornings."

"No more long lunches."

"No more sarcastic swearing."

"No more secret office meetings."

"No more undercover spying."

It was the end of an era.

Bimbo called my mobile phone not long afterwards. I couldn't work out what she was saying, she was sobbing so loudly. I told her to meet us in the boardroom. A few minutes later she burst through the door. He face was swollen and red from crying so much. He hair was in a complete mess. She looked so ridiculous, I couldn't help but laugh.

We all spent the day in the boardroom swapping stories. Slowly more people joined us. By the end of the day all of the employees were sitting on and around the table laughing and joking about Gay Boss.

He will be missed by us all.

The Past Week (1)

It has been a while since I last posted and since I last read other blogs. A lot has happened since dinner with CEO.

Last Friday Solicitor and I joined CEO and his wife for dinner. The first hour was incredibly boring. We sat and listened to CEO and his wife describe the nightmare they had with choosing a suitable colour to paint the veranda. CEO thought a pale blue would work very well with the scenery. His wife wanted to paint it yellow to match the colour of their yacht. CEO pointed out that nobody could see the yacht from the house and she explained that people would see the yellow and realise that the boat and the house were owned by the same people.

Nightmare? No, dear that's not a nightmare. Not comparing to what 99.9% of the world have to deal with in life.

Halfway through the main course CEO began talking about the company. He told me that they were hiring a new member of staff. He'll come in for a proper introduction next Friday. He was wondering if I could show him around. Help him settle in.

"Oh. You've decided to replace (Old Prick) have you?" I asked innocently. Old Prick was a guy that used to share an office with me. We both did the same job, we looked after clients and generated new business. He wasn't performing well so he was "invited to leave" about six months ago. I inherited all of his existing clients and got a pay increase.

CEO looked slightly uncomfortable at my question.

"Yes, I suppose he will be."

There was a long silence as we ate. Solicitor gripped my hand under the table. He could sense my anger quietly rising. CEO has found a replacement for Gay Boss. I know he has!

"I heard through the grapevine that your nephew would be joining the company." I made an effort to change the subject. I also wanted to find out what happened to the idea of Wanker becoming Managing Director. CEO's wife untactfully answered.

"Oh no! He's going to write a novel, isn't he?" She glanced at CEO excitedly "Something about magic truffles or philosophers truffles... Anyway, its an adventure story about a man who sees things that other people can't. Like objects have a hidden life or something. It's really interesting! Imagine having an imagination like that!"

Yes. I imagine someone taking magic mushrooms could come up with something very similar.

I held back. I felt a rise of hysterical laughter rise up my throat. I did my best to smile politely. I gently kicked Solicitor under the table. He snorted and quickly took a sip of wine to cover up.

It was too difficult. I stood up and excused myself. By the time I got to the ladies I was in a fit of giggles. CEO's wife was such an airhead. I knew she'd say something funny. While I was getting ready I told Solicitor that she'd say something completely random. I didn't expect what she said though.

By the time I returned to the table CEO and Solicitor were talking very seriously.

"... I just feel that we need to approach things with a completely different angle." CEO explained. Solicitor didn't look very happy at all. CEO's wife nervously played with her napkin and avoided eye contact with everyone.

"What's going on?"

I suddenly had an image of CEO firing me in the middle of a crowded restaurant. Oh my God! What if the new guy was replacing me not Gay Boss. Oh, lets see him try and do that. I'll tell him a thing or two. Tell him where to shove his stupid pathetic....

"(CEO) has made a decision not to continue business with (Solicitor's Law Firm )." Solicitor told me matter of factly.

"Oh my God! Why?" It was a complete shock. Solicitor's Law Firm have always looked after the company. What the hell was CEO playing at.

"It's nothing personal of course. Well, now that we've got that out of the way, what shall we order for dessert?"

That night Solicitor and I went home fuming with anger. We marched around the house. I slammed my purse on the kitchen counter and flung my coat onto the sofa. Solicitor ranted and swore.

I could not believe CEO would do something so ridiculous. I regretted asking Solicitor to join us for dinner. I had no idea that his law firm would suffer. How could this happen?

I called Gay Boss and told him about the evening. I told him about the new guy and I told him about CEO's decision to stop working with Solicitor.

"What the fuck are you talking about? Why would he do something so stupid!" Gay Boss was in complete shock about the law firm. "Elise, I'm going next week. I hoped that he'd consider you for my job, I really did. We'll talk more on Monday."

He hung up.

I miss you

I spoke to an old friend last night. We met years ago when I was travelling abroad. He accidently spilt his drink all over my top. He apologised and bought me a few shots of tequilla. We knocked them back and started talking. About everything and anything. And we've been in contact since.

"Elise, I'm coming to London."

"Oh my God! When?"

"In a few weeks."

"We have to meet up!"

"I can't."

"Not even for coffee?"

"Babe... I can't. I wish I could but.... I just can't"

Silence

"Why not?"

"You know why."

"I don't. Tell me why."

"Elise, you know why. Don't make me say it."

Silence

"Is Tina coming?"

"No."

Silence

"Did she like the ring?"

"Yes. She loved it."

"I'm happy for you."

"I know you are."

Silence

"So you've moved in with your new man huh? Cat and all?"

"Yeah. You should come and meet him."

"You love him?"

"Yes."

Silence

"And you love Tina."

"Yes. I do. Very much."

Silence

"Elise?"

"Yes?"

"Nothing."

"Tell me."

"You tell me first."

"What am I supposed to tell you?"

"What you know you know."

"No."

"Then I won't tell you."

Silence

"So, you're definitely not going to call me and meet up with me?"

"No."

"Another time and another place...."

"Another lifetime..."

silence

"I miss you."

"Me too."

silence

An Eventful Night

Sruffy Artist is working with the opposition!

Stoner has been slightly suspicious of his behaviour over the last few days. Apparently Scruffy Artist is in contact with CEO. He leaves the room to take "private" phone calls.

Stoner and Scruffy Artist are our Creative Team. They get to work at around 11am every morning and they leave when they're work is done. According to Stoner, Scruffy Artist has been arriving early to send off emails. Stoner specifically came in at 8am yesterday to see what time Scruffy Artist arrived. He was already there, sitting at his desk sending off emails.

Gay Boss is aware of this. He noticed Scruffy Artist's behaviour a week ago.

Stoner hacked into Scruffy Artist's email last night. Of course this is illegal. But if he were to print out the last communication between Scruffy Artist and show it to me it would read:

(CEO),

I'd like to thank you for encouraging (Wanker) to come and speak to us about the business plans for the future. I now fully understand the new plan.

I have been gathering the information that you require. I shall email it over to you by close of business on Friday.

Kind Regards,

(Scruffy Artist)

What information?? Scruffy Artist is taking the piss! What business plan? Wanker had no idea what he was talking about.

Stoner thinks the sole purpose of Wanker being here was to find an Allie for CEO. Ideally I would be the best candidate. I'm close to Gay Boss and I have a deep understanding on how the business is run. Unfortunately Wanker could not get a word in edge ways.

Scruffy Artist is very easily led. Wanker probably drew him in with promotional offers.

I suddenly feel like the company politics have turned into a full blown war. It won't be long before I'll lose it and leave. I doubt there are many people in this world that would put up with this kind of crap.

I need patience. I'm still in the process of setting up my own business. I just need to deal with this for a couple of months. Then I can kiss this fucking place goodbye. (Excuse my French).

After talking it over with Stoner I decided to accept CEO's offer of dinner on Friday. Stoner thinks I should try to keep the peaceful front that CEO has managed to perfect. Meanwhile I should use this opportunity to figure out his game plan.

Actually I should use this opportunity to have some fun....

I called him just before I left work yesterday.

"Elise! How are you my dear?"

"I'm very well thank you. Just a quick call regarding dinner on Friday."

"Oh of course. Have you made up your mind? I would love you to accept."

"Yes. Yes I'd love to come. I'd like to bring my partner if that's okay?"

"Your partner?"

"Yes. You've probably heard of him. He's taken over from Paddy as the company lawyer?"

Silence.

"Oh. So you're dating him are you?"

"Yes. Is it okay to bring him? It'll make us an even group."

"Of course you may bring him. I look forward to properly meeting with him."

And I look forward to an eventful night...

Boardroom Chat..

Wanker and I had a chat yesterday.

He arranged to come in a speak to Gay Boss again. Yesterday morning Gay Boss strolled in to my office.

"Looks like today might be my last day." He laughed about it.

"You're not going anywhere."

We waited for Wanker to show up. We drank two cups of tea. Ate a few bars of chocolate. Checked our emails. And waited.

Wanker arrived an hour and a half late. Typical spoilt idiot! Gay Boss left me and met him in the boardroom. I restlessly paced my office for a few minutes before deciding to go and see Bimbo.

I found her sitting at her desk drinking hot chocolate and flicking through the latest issue of Cosmo. She looked so relaxed and content. Damn, I was jealous! I plonked myself down in a nearby chair.

"Oh check out this girls make-up." She swung the magazine around and pointed. "You got time for an experiment?"

She whipped out her make-up bag and began brushing down my face with powder. I love the way Bimbo pampers me. It so soothing. Its nice to switch off and enjoy it. Half an hour later I looked at the new look in the mirror. She is amazing! I felt like a star. She has a knack for completely changing a person's look without over doing the make-up.

"Lets do another one!" she excited flicked through the magazine looking for a new face.

My BlackBerry began vibrating. A text from Gay Boss.

Where are you? Wanker wants to see you in the boardroom. He's lying and he's a bad liar. Careful what you say.

Just when I had started to relax! I sighed looking at the magazine in regret. I slowly got up and walked to the boardroom.

Wanker was overly pleased to see me. He shook my hand and smiled warmly.

"Its great to finally have a chat with you. We haven't really had the chance to get to know each other."

I smiled sweetly.

"I know. What is it that you actually do?" I asked innocently.

Wanker coughed and spluttered something about business strategy.

"...and that's why I'm here. To sort out the problem with the business structure here."

"Really? What's the problem and how are you going to sort it out?"

Wanker pulled out a notepad. He began drawing boxes. He looked up at me.

"I don't know how academic you are and whether you'd be able to understand this."

Excuse me? This is coming from an unemployed twat!

He labelled the two boxes.

"This is the Share Holder and this is the Management. There seems to be friction between the Share Holder and the Management.

"Look, if CEO has a problem with (Gay Boss) he should do the honorable thing and speak to him."

I don't think Wanker expected me to be so upfront. I pulled the pad away from him and picked up a pen.

"Now let me draw our existing structure." I drew a complicated diagram with each department and the links between them all. I looked up at him"I don't know if you'll be able to understand this. Its rather complicated. Now this is the structure that we have. How would you improve on it?" I pushed the pad back in front of him.

He looked at it in surprise. He shuffled around and cleared his throat.

"Actually its not that side of the business that I wanted to talk about."

"No?"

"I wanted to talk about your role. You don't seem happy."

"I do my job. I enjoy what I do. You don't know me so you can't tell me whether I'm happy or not. What do you want to talk about?"

Again Wanker shuffled through some sheets of paper.

"CEO is very happy with you. He speaks very highly of you."

"Really?"

"Yes. Things are running very smoothly here."

"Wait a minute. You said you were here to talk about changes of business structure. If things are running smoothly then there's nothing to discuss is there?"

"There is. You're role and what you feel about the current structure."

"I deal with clients. Business structure should really be discussed with the managing director don't you agree?"

"Look my uncle wants to consider offering you a role as managing director." He smiled "This was a test to see how much you know. You clearly know what you're talking about."

"I have people to speak to and people to see. Quite frankly CEO has never discussed my role with me before. I'd rather speak directly to him in regards to that. We already have a managing director and I have not been told anything different. Is there anything you want to tell me?" Wanker stayed quiet. He didn't know what to say.

I picked up my phone and shook his hand

"It was nice meeting you."

"Likewise."

I left him sitting in the boardroom and quickly made my way to Gay Boss's office.

Gay boss was sat at his desk quietly sipping tea. He looked pissed off. I told him about my conversation with Wanker and he told me about his. Wanker's visit was completely useless. He had no indication of what he wanted to achieve by speaking to us. He was confused and most of the time he hadn't a clue about what he was talking about.

CEO sent him. Wanker has obviously screwed up what ever plan they had. He'll be back...

Carefully...

Gay Boss walked out yesterday.

He recieved 22 emails from CEO. After printing them out he walked into my office so that we could read them together. Halfway through reading the second one he stood up and put on his coat.

"Fuck this... I'm going home."

I've never seen him look upset before. He's dry, sarcastic and extremely thick skinned. To see him upset was like a kick in the face. I watched him leave. Too stunned to say anything.

I picked up the printed emails after he left and read through them.

CEO is a rude, manipulative, idiot!

I called Stoner as soon as I had finished reading and asked him to come up. I must have sounded anxious because he made it up to my office in 2 minutes.

I told him that Gay Boss had walked out. He was shocked. I then showed him the emails. He read them over and over. He couldn't believe what he was reading.

"Oh my God! The guy's completely lost it!" he looked up at me "You better tell me everything."

I did. I started from the mistake in the client contract, the phonecall from CEO warning me not to tell anybody about the mistake, the endless emails from CEO to Gay Boss, Wanker coming in and trying to speak to Gay Boss, and finally my invitation to have dinner with CEO and his airhead wife.

Stoner mouth hung open as I went through the details.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

He paced around the room.

"I knew there was something wrong. Remember the dental plan? I knew it! He was acting so strange and stressed!"

He opened the window and pulled out a packet of cigarettes. He offered me one and we sparked up. It's illegal to smoke in a work environment now. Who cares?

We went through all of Gay Boss's emails and began piecing up all the information.

This is what we've come up with:

CEO is managing out Gay Boss. He's trying bloody hard to do so. He's rude, inconsiderate and any other person in Gay Boss's position would have walked months ago.

He knew Gay Boss would be away during the weeks that the contracts were sent and that the error would slip through the cracks. He altered the contracts himself and was going to use them as an excuse to sack Gay Boss. Unfortunately for him, I caught the error. When he found out about it he specificaly told me not to tell anybody.

Wanker needs to get involved with the business if he is going to take over one day. Since he's the type of person that would refuse to work for anyone the ideal position for him is Managing Director.

I'm aware that this is all just a theory, but it makes perfect sense. Whatever CEO is playing at, whether it ties in with the theory or not, he's doing something very unethical.

Stoner and I spent the whole day trying to make sense of everything. This isn't right. Most people go to work, do their job, and go home. Gay Boss and I have dealt with politics in this company for a long time. Stoner is now involved.

I know it wasn't fair for me to involve Stoner. Before I told him everything I asked him if he's sure he wants to know. He's very much like I am. We like to dig through the surface, no matter how risky it is.

Gay Boss hasn't come in today. He called and said he'd be back tomorrow.

We have to tread carefully.

Dinner with CEO

Wanker has disappeared.

A few weeks ago CEO's nephew, Wanker, came in to speak to Gay Boss. His plan was to interrigate Gay Boss and throw a list of compaints at him. I thought Gay Boss handled it well. He defended himself against every poiont mentioned and managed to turn the conversation around in such a way that Wanker was left in the interrigation seat.

It has been weeks since he has contact us. CEO has sent Gay Boss emails urging him to contact Wanker to discuss new business strategy. Gay Boss replied by saying he had=s no way of contacting him.

My guess is that Wanker has disappeared and his Uncle can't find him. He's probably lying on some beach somewhere catching sun rays. A long holiday after a stressful hour with Gay Boss.

CEO called me yesterday. He was extrememly nice on the phone. I'm always skeptical of people that are nice to me without reason, especially with CEO. He sends Gay Boss rude, agressive emails and then he has the nerve to be nice to me!

"Hello Elise! How are you?"

"I'm fine.... How are you?"

"Very well at the moment. The whether is fantastic here. I'm sitting on the verranda looking at the blue sea. It's beautiful!"

How nice for you, you prick! While we're in turmoil because of you, you're habving the time of your life!

"Thats nice...."

"My wife and I would like to invite you to have dinner with us. We're in London on the 18 April."

What??

"I'll have to consult my diary and get back to you on that."

"Well I'll be disappointed if you can't make it. I like spending time with you and my wife would love to get to know you better."

Would she now? Now why on earth would your young airheaded wife want to get to know your employee better?

"I'll get back to you soon."

"Fantastic!... Now while I'm on the phone with you, I've been meaning to ask you something."

"Okay...?"

"Has my nephew been in touch at all?"

"No he hasn't."

"Oh... I see..."

"Can I help at all? Has he not been in contact with you since he came to see us?"

"Oh no... No, its fine... Nothing to worry about."

I was slightly amused by his efforts to be nice. I wonder what he wants.

I spoke to Gay Boss about it later that day. He laughed. He thinks that CEO is being nice because, aside from Gay Boss, I'm the only person who understands the business and how it is run. As soon as I started working I was curious about everything. I made sure that I knew everything Gay Boss knew. I think that's why Gay Boss and I get on so well. We have the same urge for knowledge and understanding.

"Want to be Managing Director?" Gay Boss asked.

I screwed up my face. Hell no! There's no way I'm going to work direstly for a sexist, slightly insane CEO....

Managing Director does sound good though doesn't it?

No! I'm starting up my own company. I don't want to work for him.

Gay Boss honestly thinks that that's what CEO wants to speak to me about it. I have my doubts. CEO has never given me any credit for anything without patronising me.

I don't know whether to accept his invitation to dinner. His wife is so annoying. CEO and I have never spoken for more than 15 minutes. Speaking to him drives me crazy!

I'm curious though....

Tiny Leather Skirt

Last night Bimbo and I went out for dinner.

We originally planned to go to Prezzo, just round the corner from Bimbo's place, but she called and changed her mind just as I was leaving. She wanted to meet me at a place called The Coriander, an Indian restaurant on a one-way system in East London. Miles away from where I live.

After half an hour of driving in circles looking for a parking space I finally arrived. Slightly irritated. Bimbo was sitting at a table in a corner sipping mango juice and speaking to the waiter. She began waving frantically when she spotted me.

"Isn't this place amazing?"

You'd think she was talking about the Taj Mahal.

I slowly took in the surroundings. The restaurant was pretty much empty. It was dark and dingy. Dark wooden tables, dark red velvet booths, dark green wallpaper. The mirror behind the bar was framed with a string of multicoloured fairy lights. Half the bar was taken up by an old fashioned television that was tuned into Zee Music. The Bollywood music pierced my ears.

I could not believe I'd driven for almost two hours for this cheap looking room! The food had better be amazing....

It was. I couldn't believed how well it was spiced. The flavours were terrific.

Bimbo beamed from across the table.

"I told you it would be worth it."

I found that after I'd tasted the food the surrounding didn't look as bad as I had originally thought. Bimbo and I found ourselves watching the music videos on the television.

It's amazing how Bollywood manage to create passionate scenes without the couple actually kissing. The actors over play the passion in their eyes. The camera focuses on a hand on the waist or a finger trailing down the back of the neck.

Half way through the meal Bimbo and I had decided that we would watch a Bollywood film together. All three and a half hours of it. The waiter gave us tips on what to watch.

"You like Sharukh?"

"Um... I guess..." Bimbo and I nodded in confusion.

"Of course! All the ladies like Sharukh."

The waiter began reciting a list of films. I couldn't register any of the titles. I forgot them as soon as he had said them.

Suddenly the cheesiest music video came on.

A sexy woman was standing in the middle of an empty basketball court. She was dressed in a tight leather skirt that barely covered her ass and a tiny leather top. Heavy rain fell on her. Droplets running down the naked parts of her body. Between the valley of her breasts.

A muscular man on a motorbike suddenly drove through the court. He was dressed in a leather vest and trousers. He stopped a few yards in front of her and whipped off his sunglasses. Why he was wearing sunglasses I'll never know. It was night.

They regarded each other with attitude. The sexy girl walked up to him. Swishing her ass in a suggestive way. She stopped in front of him. Posed with her hand on her hip.

"Are you like, checking me out?"

Bimbo and I looked back at the waiter.

"We want to see that one!"

The waiter smiled.

"Yes! Is a beautiful film. You like Ashwarya Rai?" He pointed at the sexy woman thrusting her hips in the rain.

I nodded.

"She Miss World. My wife, he look like her."

Bimbo and I smiled politely. I seriously doubted it. The waiter was short and extremely thin. He had a mop of black hair perfectly combed and parted down the side. He had huge teeth beneath a thick moustache.

"Everyone say I look like him." He pointed at the muscular man on the screen touching the sexy woman.

I struggled to keep a straight face. Bimbo looked at the screen and back at the waiter.

"Um yes. You have the same...nose?"

At the end of the evening Bimbo and I left the restaurant, giving the waiter a large tip in exchange for a list of recommended films. We're planning on having a girly night on Saturday. We'll order in Indian and watch the film with the leather...

I have a feeling we'll be dancing by the end of the night.

Thou Shall Not Lie!

Grandmama faked a near death experience on Sunday.

Traditionally we always have a family dinner on Easter Sunday at Grandmama's house. This year most people cancelled. My mother and stepfather called on Friday and told her that they'd have to skip dinner due to a broken boiler. My father called to apologise and that he had planned a trip to New York to see a friend. My sister said that she'd already promised my brother-in-law's family that she would spend Sunday with them.

Grandmama was heartbroken!

She called me on Saturday to make sure I was coming.

"It looks like it’s going to be just us." She said it brightly but I could tell that she was upset. I tried to be positive.

"That suits me just fine Grandmama. You'll be able to have a proper chat with (Solicitor). I'm looking for your approval!"

"Oh Elise, you sound so happy! You already have my blessing child."

Early the next morning Grandmama's neighbour Penny called me.

"Elise? Um... it’s your Grandmother... She's... taken a fall.... She's hit her head."

I panicked. I couldn't help it. I started shaking. Poor Grandmama! She's normally so careful. I woke Solicitor up and we got ready in record time. I dialled my mother's number as we left the house.

No answer.

I called my sister.

Answer machine. I left a brief message explaining what happened.

I finally called my father. I always feel nervous calling him. For some odd reason I avoid doing it.

He answered after the first ring. I froze at the shock of somebody actually answering their phone.

"Hello?"

I took a deep breath.

"Elise?"

"Yes. It's me."

"What's happened?"

I cried. I told him what had happened in broken sentences.

"Mum's not answering her phone and I don't know what to do! What if she's hurt badly?"

"Calm down. I'll cancel my flight and I'm coming. Don't cry. She'll be okay. I promise. I'll try calling your mother again."

As Solicitor and I parked up in Grandmama's driveway Penny emerged from the house looking sheepish. I got out of the car and started firing questions. She looked uncertainly at the house.

"I'm sorry! She made me call. I told her not to."

I stared at her. What the hell was she talking about?

My father pulled up in the driveway moments later. He sprung out of the car slamming the door behind him. He awkwardly kissed my cheek and shook Solicitor's hand.

"You mothers on her way."

Penny looked even more worried.

"She made me! Honestly. You know how she is."

She looked back at the house. It suddenly all made sense. I stormed in to the house leaving my father and Solicitor in the driveway with Penny. I found Grandmama in the kitchen humming to herself over the stove.

"Grandmama!"

She looked up and smiled sweetly.

"Everyone will be here soon. Peel the potatoes Elise, we've got lots to do."

I was livid. I was so worried about her and here she was straining butter beans and happily rejoicing in her victory!

Moment later my father walked into the kitchen. Grandmama absently kissed him on the cheek.

"I cancelled my flight!"

"Oh that’s a shame. Must have been a misunderstanding. We may as well have a family day now."

My father ended up staying. It was too late to re-book a flight and Grandmama looked so upset at the prospect of him leaving that he couldn’t say no. My father has always had a soft spot for Grandmama. She always calls him "the son that she never had".

I called my mother and told her not to worry. I told her that they'd been a misunderstanding. I didn't want to tell her that Grandmama had set the whole thing up. She ended up coming anyway with my stepfather.

The six of us had a great time despite the early panic. Grandmama really put herself out with the food. My stepfather teased her and asked her what caterer she used.

Solicitor and my father seemed to get on like a house on fire. I felt slightly envious at the way they were so easy in each other's company. I always found it hard to speak to my father.

We left late in the evening. Grandmama hugged me at the door.

"I'm still angry with you Grandmama!"

"Elise my darling, there's nothing wrong in reminding people of what is important in life."

I laughed at her attempt to justify her scam.

"Grandmama the Bible clearly states 'Thou shalt not lie'!"

"No dear it's 'Thou shlt not bear false witness against thy neighbour'."

"It's the same thing Grandmama!"

Starting Up

The last post I wrote was in black humour. I have no real wish to kill myself. I love Solicitor too much to leave him for some other girl. I was having a bad day. We all have them.

When I got home on Friday Solicitor had already made dinner. The music was up loud and he was walking around with a beer in his hand, setting the table. God he looks so sexy in jeans! I kicked off my shoes and gave him a lingering kiss. I turned away and tried to walk slowly towards the kitchen in a sexy manner. I tripped over my heels on the way. Damn!

I poured myself a glass of wine and I winged about my awful day while Solicitor dished up the food. I was just getting to the part about the suicide conversation when he swooped down and kissed me. I think thats his way of getting me to shut up. It works quite well most of the time.

"Look, if your that miserable just leave."

"You're right...."

It's true I should just leave. The bad side is over weighing the good side....

"Or you could start up your own."

I sat down on the stool. Yes. I'll start up my own company!

Over dinner we discussed the possibilities of me doing it. There are lots of companies out there that do what we do. How could I make mine different? The more we talked about it the more I wanted it.

There are two major drawbacks with me starting up my own business:

1) Financial Back-up. I don't have the money to start up alone. I'll need a registered office for starters. How could I possibly afford it?

I don't really want to go for a bank loan. The interest would be ridiculous. Especially now. Interest rates have shot up like mad over the last few months.

2) Staff. I'll need help with the work load. Ther's no way I could do everything myself. If I hire staff I'll need to pay them. Nobody works for free.

I will find a solution to both. I need to do some thinking and I need to do some research!

The Benefits of Suicide

I'm thinking of writing a book:

"The Benefits of Suicide"

Working today is like a slow painful death. I wish I topped myself off before hand so I wouldn't have to go through this hell.

Gay Boss and I spent our 5 minute lunch break planning to do it together. He opted to hang himself. I'll just throw myself out of the window.

Managed out

There are two main rival companies.

Rival No. 1 offered to interview me after seeing my CV posted on monster. We have a strange relationship with Rival No. 1. Gay Boss originally worked for them years ago until he was offered a job here. My predecessor switched companies and now works for them. It happens every so often. Their company values are similar to ours and although we are rivals we work well side by side.

According to the credit card transaction report CEO was having a secret meeting with Rival No. 2. The cafe listed on the report is based within their offices, I recognised the name straight away. Rival No. 2 are bullies. They prioritise their own needs above those of their clients. We have had many clients that previously had dealings with them and we have heard shocking stories of court cases and scandals.

Yesterday I told Gay Boss what I know.

I was worried about CEO's meeting. It may have been nothing but there may be a possibility that CEO wants to sell up or merge with Rival No. 2.

"I know."

"You know?! What do you mean?"

"I tracked his credit card transactions too."

Oh my God! We are definitely on some kind of a wavelength.

Gay Boss isn't sure of what is going on. He doesn't think CEO himself knows what he wants to do. He was too pissed off about other things to go into too much detail on theories. He dropped a thick stack on papers on my desk. They were all emails sent to him in the last week.

"Look at the amount of crap he wants me to do. He's doing this on purpose. Any other person doing this job would have walked by now."

I flicked through them. It was complete madness! Every email had a new task or a new request on it.

Can you please send me a full report on InBev from 1990 - 1997. I need this by the end of the week.

He wants data from the archive?! That's going to take hours to find let alone write a report on.

I need the figures for all of our clients dating back to when they signed up. I want quarterly figures together with graphs showing the increase and decrease. I also want a full report on each quarter.

The emails went on and on. Each request was a few days work.

CEO is still adamant on the dvd idea. He wants to create a box set of six. Each disk needs to tell a little more about our company. A "collect all six" series. What a complete fool!

He must have a mental problem. Why else would he do this?

Gay Boss was in a bad way yesterday. The day before he had a surprise visit from Wanker. Wanker is CEO's nephew. The company is his inheritance, despite the fact that Wanker has never worked a day in his life.

Wanker arrived and summoned a meeting with Gay Boss in the boardroom. He pleasantly sparked up conversation about the weather. Gay Boss is not one to waste time.

"Let's skip the pleasantries. CEO sent you. Why?"

Wanker never knows how to speak to Gay Boss. I think he's a little afraid of his bluntness. Gay Boss ate him alive.

"You're here to check things out. I know, because you'd never step foot in this place unless CEO specifically told you to. Check everything. I'm an open book. Go ahead."

Wanker opened a notebook and began his series of complaints. Gay Boss threw every statement back.

"You don't put in enough hours."

"No? I respond to emails from CEO at 1am on a Friday night. I respond to phone calls. I'm the first one in this building every morning and the last one out. I have records of everything. The times that I swiped in and the times that I swiped out. My phone calls are all recorded, as are my emails."

Wanker was surprised by the response. I don't know why. If you're going to throw accusations at someone they will fight back.

"You know there's a law against too many hours don't you? If I were to add everything up how do you think the figure would look?"

Next Statement.

"You have had extra long holidays. This has got to stop."

"I have the same amount of days off as my employees. I work the whole year with no break and I take them all at once. There’s no law against it. It's my holiday and as long as it doesn't affect my work I will take them as and when I choose."

Next Statement.

"You've hired incapable staff. It's your job to dismiss them if they're not performing."

"Who would you be referring to?"

Wanker had no idea. He flicked through his notebook looking for the answer knowing fully that he had none.

"I tell you what. Why don't you go and do some homework. Go and do a full report on each employee that I have hired. Make sure you include everything they've done to keep this company afloat. If you find any fault with them let me know."

Wanker didn't know what to say. He laughed off the whole matter and offered to buy Gay Boss lunch. Gay Boss refused.

"I don't have time for lunch. Apparently I'm not putting in the hours and I'm taking too much holiday. I should really use the time to manage my incompetent staff."

I think CEO is trying to get rid of me. Gay Boss thinks he's trying to get rid of him.

We did something we don't usually do. Gay Boss and I sipped neat Jack Daniels while we discussed the possibilities. I've never had a drink at work before, but yesterday I think we both needed it. I told him about my interview call from Rival no. 1. He looked at me sadly.

"Elise go for the interview. If you get it, I think you should take the job."


I felt like crying. I love this company. I've mad good friends like Bimbo and Stoner. I've got a great relationship with my boss. How many other people can say that they've investigated people with their boss? Or had a glass of neat whiskey with their boss? He has a shocking amount of trust for me. I don't want to loose that.

Giving Up

Friday evening started off glum.

I left work early to see the lawyer covering the Bradley case. I wasn't really in the mood to spend time with a twitchy power-mad woman but I went along with it. I'm tired of the case. I'm tired of her asking me the same questions over and over again. She has my written statement and I've relayed the details verbally at least a hundred times. What the hell is wrong with her?

After an hour of so of listening to her drone on about how important it is to be specific about everything I was ready to kill myself. I was pissed off.

Solicitor and I drove home in silence. We entered the house in silence. I made tea and we sat staring into space in silence.

"You're giving up."

I never thought about it like that before but once Solicitor said the words I knew they were true. I am giving up. I don't see the point anymore. Bradley is probably scared shitless at the sudden legal involvement and I doubt he'd ever try anything like that again with anyone. I'm exhausted with the constant intimate questions. It's a book I'd rather close and throw away.

"I'm tired. I'm so bloody tired. I have enough drama's to deal with on an everyday basis I'd rather not do this."

I didn't expect the lump to appear in my throat but it did. Angry tears ran down my cheeks. I got up and walked to the bedroom and shut the door.

Its not as simple as people think. Had I been mugged people would have been more sympathetic. For the entire duration of the case, since I first told the police about it, everybody, even my own lawyer has treated me with suspicion. For some reason rape victims are lying until proven otherwise. At least that’s how I felt. The fact that it was only "attempted" makes it so much harder, even with solid evidence.

Solicitor knocked on the door before walking into the bedroom. He sat down next to me on the bed and gently held my hand.

"You don't have to do this. Whatever you decide, I'm with you."

I love the way he kisses my fingers. He kisses them near the tip taking each finger individually. Sometimes it really turns me on. It sends a shiver up my arm and through my body. Sometimes, like it did at that moment, it just makes me feel warm inside.

"So what are the other drama's then?" He smiled.

I flopped down on the bed. A moment later he did the same.

"Well, where do I start? CEO is having secret meetings at this cafe. The only reason I know is because I tracked his credit card transactions. I have a sneaky suspicion that..."

We lay there on the bed for hours while I talked about the drama at work. Solicitor is always shocked by everything I have to say about work. Although he lectures me about getting too involved I can tell he loves it.

The Credit Card

The shit is about to hit the fan. I'm not hanging around to see it!

The once family company that I work for is gradually going down.

People don't trust each other anymore. Its like living in a video game. You never know who's lurking behind the corner ready to shoot!

Okay maybe its not that dramatic. but something is definitely wrong. For the last few weeks CEO has been acting strange. Endless emails to myself and Gay Boss asking for strange information.

On Monday, despite my efforts not to get involved, I had to do a bit of detective work.

4eyes from Accounts has been avoiding me for months, ever since he burst into tears outside the disabled toilets. It was so sad! I had to drag him inside and listen to his life story.

Anyway, on Monday I decided to pay him a visit. I needed him to track CEO's credit card transactions for the last few weeks. I know it sounds odd but I thought that would be a great place to start. The detectives on TV always track the credit card transactions. Convincing 4eyes that I needed the information for business reasons was slightly more time consuming.

I had to ask him for all the company credit card transactions over the last two months. I told him that there was a slight problem with our budget and I needed to see where the expenses were going.

"But that's not your job. That's what (Gay Boss) does."

"Yes I know (4eyes), but it affects my budget more than anybody else's."

He knows that its not true. He's the accountant for crying out loud!

"Look, (4eyes), I'm just worried about the over spending. If the two of us can sort it out before (Gay Boss) freaks out about something then we're just keeping the peace aren't we?"

I smiled at him. I tried to make it look like we were in it together. Helping the company move on and dealing with obstacles head on before they become problems. For extra effect I squeezed his hand. Oh God. Did I go too far? He looked at me in complete surprise.

"I guess so."

He agreed?! Yes!

I made him promise not to tell anyone while we flicked through the data. I told him that we'll analyse it and then approach individuals in each department and give them a friendly warning about over spending. For their own good of course. It'll all be very low key. We're doing them all a huge favour.

CEO was in England! He made a credit card transaction in London on the Friday at a London restaurant. When he emailed me he told me he was in Antigua. Somethings not right.

Another transaction Monday morning. Why does that cafe sound so familiar? I know it. Where from? It hit me. Shit!

That's all I needed to know.

"You know something 4eyes? Maybe this isn't such a good idea. I mean you could get in serious trouble for it. I'm really sorry."

4eyes looked at me relieved.

"You know, I was thinking the same thing."

I headed back to my office. My thoughts were racing. I had to sit down and think about it properly. Maybe I should call Stoner. I need to tell him what I think I know. He'll know where to go from here.

I got a call while I was hurrying down the corridor. An interview for another job! I'd only just put my CV up on Monster. That was quick! One of our rival companies. The woman on the line was incredibly enthusiastic and friendly. Could I come in for an interview? Hell yes!

The Party Part 2

Dimirtrius left soon after we had spoken. I assume he had more deals to make that night.

I made conversation with a few of Aimee's friends. Most of them seemed very superficial. The conversation was limited to fashion, weight and celebrities. I got bored fairly quickly.

I noticed Aimee had slipped out on the balcony alone. I curiously followed her a few minutes later. She was sat on the floor with her back against the rails concentrating intently on lining up white powder on a dvd case.

"Mind if I join you?"

She looked up at me surprised. She shifted over and I sank down behind her.

"Want one?"

"No thanks I don't touch the stuff."

She shrugged and carried on. I pulled out a cigarette from my tiny bag and lit up. I silently smoked while she snorted a line. She leaned her head against the rails and breathed heavily.

"I say God damn!" She jokingly quoted the line from Pulp Fiction.

There was an awkward silence again.

"Don't tell (Solicitor)."

I was slightly pissed off by what she said. It shouldn't matter to him what she does anymore. They're not together.

"He never saw the bright side of life. So boring!"

I suppose through the eyes of a druggie a well-established, composed lawyer could seem a little boring compared to the smack heads that roam the streets at night begging for spare change. I was really starting to get pissed off with her. I regretted coming outside to talk to her.

"Why do you do it?"

She looked at me as if I had asked a stupid question.

"Seriously Aimee, the last time I saw you, you were in such a state. Why would you do something like that to yourself?"

It may have been due to the cocaine but Aimee just started talking. She didn't stop. She told me about her modelling career. She told me about what should have been a brief relationship with Solicitor. Her horror at an unwanted pregnancy.

"Can you believe he asked me to marry him? Why couldn't he have just encouraged be to abort it like any other normal guy!"

She told me about their son. How she loved him but she just wasn't ready to be a mother. She told me how she hated being a wife. Having to think about other people and the consequences of your actions.

"They say you love your children unconditionally. That’s the problem. I loved him so much but I just wished that he wasn't there. You should always be careful what you wish for."

I got a little emotional when she told me how much she hated herself when he died. It must have been such an awful feeling. To lose someone you love so much and to blame yourself for it.

"You know I felt relieved. How sick does that make me sound? I just wanted to move on. Leave the whole wife and mother thing behind."

Aimee and I are very different people. We have different aspirations in life. Different priorities. I liked listening to her. It gave me an insight into her life and into her mind. We sat outside for a long time. I occasionally smoked a cigarette while she snorted another line.

We spoke about Solicitor. She told me that she never made him happy. She didn't know how and most of the time she didn't really care. She'd regret the way she felt every so often, especially when he rescued her from bad situations, or when he stayed up all night making sure she didn't stop breathing after a long night out.

I told her that I couldn’t imagine not wanting to make him happy. He's such a wonderful man I'd never want to mess things up with him. If I had what she had I would have held it with both hands and never let it go.

"Yes but there's a difference Elise. He didn't love me like he loves you."

I felt my heart overflow with happiness when she said that. He does love me. He tells me in so many different ways.

Aimee leaned over to snort another line when the balcony door slid open. Solicitor looked down at the both of us, regarding the cocaine. I could tell by his expression that the best thing for us to do would be to leave. I stood up and straightened out my trousers.

"We better go." I kissed Aimee on both cheeks and thanked her for inviting us to the party.

As we walked through the door Solicitor turned back to her.

"You know something, Aimee. The next time you're crying and scared because you think you've taken an overdose don't bother calling me because I won't bother coming."

I gripped his arm in effort to steer him away but he pulled away.

"You'll never change. You'll always be a crack head and I'll be damned if I let you into our lives!"

He stalked out. I gave Aimee an apologetic look before hurrying after him.

The Party Part 1

We decided to go to the party.

Actually I decided we should definitely go to the party. Solicitor was a little unenthusiastic about going. He played along anyway. He could see how excited I was. It was at the Battersea Mansions for crying out loud! Whenever I drive past the strip overlooking Battersea Park I imagine what it would be like to go inside. The tall ceilings, the traditional decor....

I spent around three hours getting ready. Aimee is an incredibly beautiful woman. She's tall and thin with short, very light blond hair. She has pale skin and huge brown eyes. I had to look my best. All of her model friends would compare the two of us and I didn't want to come across short and fat.

I decided on all black. Black tight DKNY jeans with a black Cashmere top and black stiletto heels. I wore the diamond earrings and necklace that Solicitor had bought me. I stylishly curled my long dark hair and clipped half of it up leaving wisps framing my face.

Years of Bimbo's beauty lessons finally came in handy!

By the time we got to Aimee's place the party was in full swing. The house was swarming with drunk people. She greeted us warmly at the door. Hugs and kisses. The last time I saw Aimee she was quiet and unsure of herself. She had transformed into a chatty, confident woman. I was slightly surprised at the change.

Unsurprisingly Solicitor already knew a few people there. Not wanting to stick at his side all night like a leach I left him to his old friends and I took a walk around. The rooms were beautiful. Natural colours, wooden floors and furniture. I wondered if Aimee had bought it or was renting.

As I walked back into the main room I bumped into a rather large man. I stopped in my tracks. I know him! I've seen him before. He smiled.

"Hey I know you!"

I felt an icy chill as I remembered who he was.

"Supplying for the party?"

He laughed.

"Well its good business."

"You're sick"

"Don't be a hypocrite"

In my first year of university I lived in student hall of residence. I'd lost my building key within the first three months of living there and I frequently knocked on a ground floor window for somebody to let me in.

I got into the routine of knocking on the window of a guy called Sanchez. He was the only person who was in his room most of the time. It became such a frequent occurrence that he started leaving his window open for me to jump through.

Six months down the line we'd formed a routine friendship. I'd jump through him window after a night out and we'd play his N64 for a few hours before I went up to my room. He was a nice guy. Sometimes when he was out he used to leave his window unlocked so I could push in open and climb through. Whenever he was away I wouldn't bother walking up the stairs and I'd fall asleep in his bed. He didn't mind at all.

One night we were lying on his bed playing Mario Cart when he asked me for a favour. He was going to South America to see his ill Grandfather and he needed me to look after his room. He also wanted me to give a guy a wad of cash in exchange for a bag of cocaine. I didn't have to touch it I just had to let the guy in, give him the cash and point to the cupboard where he could leave it.

Sanchez supplied the campus with cocaine. I knew he did and it really didn't bother me at the time. Most students were doing drugs at that point anyway. I personally never touched the stuff but it didn't bother me too much if someone did.

I agreed. Sanchez knew the guy quite well and he promised it was just a clean deal. He left me his phone so that he wouldn't have to give the guy my number. Sanchez was true to his word. Dimitrius came by a few days after Sanchez left. He left the package and took the money.

Sanchez's phone rang non-stop. I didn't answer it a first but one night I absently answered when it rang. There were a group of guys that wanted a few grams for the night. I told them Sanchez was away but if they were desperate I could sort them out.

A week later I'd sold everything. I called Dimitrius and asked him to bring down another packet for the same price. I kept the profit of the last batch and I replaced the cocaine. When Sanchez came back he was none the wiser.

I have no idea why I did it. At the time I just went with the flow. I supplied drugs for a week. I'm not proud of it. And I haven't thought about it in a long time.

Dimitrius was at Aimee's party. I never thought I'd ever see the guy again. He was there supplying drugs to the people attending. He knew Aimee well. She swished over and they hugged and kissed like old friends. God I felt sick.

I caught Solicitor’s eye from the other side of the room. He looked questioningly at Dimirtius. I shook my head slightly as if I didn’t know him.

Dimitrius was right. It was hypocritical for me to judge him. Especially since I didn’t have a problem with it before. But I couldn't stop thinking about what Solicitor told me about Aimee and her drug problem. I remember the box of pills and cocaine that I found in her bathroom. I remember the state she was in when I first saw her. The tears...