Tuesday, 25 March 2008

Thou Shall Not Lie!

Grandmama faked a near death experience on Sunday.

Traditionally we always have a family dinner on Easter Sunday at Grandmama's house. This year most people cancelled. My mother and stepfather called on Friday and told her that they'd have to skip dinner due to a broken boiler. My father called to apologise and that he had planned a trip to New York to see a friend. My sister said that she'd already promised my brother-in-law's family that she would spend Sunday with them.

Grandmama was heartbroken!

She called me on Saturday to make sure I was coming.

"It looks like it’s going to be just us." She said it brightly but I could tell that she was upset. I tried to be positive.

"That suits me just fine Grandmama. You'll be able to have a proper chat with (Solicitor). I'm looking for your approval!"

"Oh Elise, you sound so happy! You already have my blessing child."

Early the next morning Grandmama's neighbour Penny called me.

"Elise? Um... it’s your Grandmother... She's... taken a fall.... She's hit her head."

I panicked. I couldn't help it. I started shaking. Poor Grandmama! She's normally so careful. I woke Solicitor up and we got ready in record time. I dialled my mother's number as we left the house.

No answer.

I called my sister.

Answer machine. I left a brief message explaining what happened.

I finally called my father. I always feel nervous calling him. For some odd reason I avoid doing it.

He answered after the first ring. I froze at the shock of somebody actually answering their phone.


I took a deep breath.


"Yes. It's me."

"What's happened?"

I cried. I told him what had happened in broken sentences.

"Mum's not answering her phone and I don't know what to do! What if she's hurt badly?"

"Calm down. I'll cancel my flight and I'm coming. Don't cry. She'll be okay. I promise. I'll try calling your mother again."

As Solicitor and I parked up in Grandmama's driveway Penny emerged from the house looking sheepish. I got out of the car and started firing questions. She looked uncertainly at the house.

"I'm sorry! She made me call. I told her not to."

I stared at her. What the hell was she talking about?

My father pulled up in the driveway moments later. He sprung out of the car slamming the door behind him. He awkwardly kissed my cheek and shook Solicitor's hand.

"You mothers on her way."

Penny looked even more worried.

"She made me! Honestly. You know how she is."

She looked back at the house. It suddenly all made sense. I stormed in to the house leaving my father and Solicitor in the driveway with Penny. I found Grandmama in the kitchen humming to herself over the stove.


She looked up and smiled sweetly.

"Everyone will be here soon. Peel the potatoes Elise, we've got lots to do."

I was livid. I was so worried about her and here she was straining butter beans and happily rejoicing in her victory!

Moment later my father walked into the kitchen. Grandmama absently kissed him on the cheek.

"I cancelled my flight!"

"Oh that’s a shame. Must have been a misunderstanding. We may as well have a family day now."

My father ended up staying. It was too late to re-book a flight and Grandmama looked so upset at the prospect of him leaving that he couldn’t say no. My father has always had a soft spot for Grandmama. She always calls him "the son that she never had".

I called my mother and told her not to worry. I told her that they'd been a misunderstanding. I didn't want to tell her that Grandmama had set the whole thing up. She ended up coming anyway with my stepfather.

The six of us had a great time despite the early panic. Grandmama really put herself out with the food. My stepfather teased her and asked her what caterer she used.

Solicitor and my father seemed to get on like a house on fire. I felt slightly envious at the way they were so easy in each other's company. I always found it hard to speak to my father.

We left late in the evening. Grandmama hugged me at the door.

"I'm still angry with you Grandmama!"

"Elise my darling, there's nothing wrong in reminding people of what is important in life."

I laughed at her attempt to justify her scam.

"Grandmama the Bible clearly states 'Thou shalt not lie'!"

"No dear it's 'Thou shlt not bear false witness against thy neighbour'."

"It's the same thing Grandmama!"


Polgara said...

Great Post, cant imagine how much you must have panicked!
Pol (GP) x

The Divine Miss M said...

I can't believe she did that! Well your poor father for missing his flight, I hope she reimbursed him!


What is it with people and Easter? Why can't we all get together as family on other days? Why do we have to have a specific day to do it on?!

Polgara said...

Yes it's me, long story......
Pol x

Elise said...

What happened??

Malach the Merciless said...

Grandmama rocks, is she single?
Imagine that, Malach, step Grandpapa!

Polgara said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Polgara said...

Cant really say here, have you an e-mail address? mine is on my blog
Pol x

solicitor bulgaria said...

hehe cool :)

C.Rag said...

She's a woman who knows how to get her way.

Whatever you do, DO NOT let Malach marry your Grandmother!

That's the sign of the Apocalypse.

B.E. Earl said...

Wow, what a devious mind! But she got her way, even if it scared the crap out of you.

And Brava for having an evil sidekick, Penny, to assist her. Every evil genius needs one.

Trée said...

Well, you guys are better folks than I. As soon as I knew I'd been scammed, I would have done one of two things. First, right in front of her I would have picked up the phone and starting dialing EMS. I would have made her beg me to stop and admit she had deceived us all; second, I would have then left. As I tell my kids, I can tolerate any sin but lying. Steal, rape, murder, pillage and I will forgive you. Lie to me and we're done.

Bridget said...

Haaa haa haa haa!!!

Your Grandmama should bee ashamed!

taxitalk said...

My whole family is together other then my bro, life is full of things, your lucky grandmas around to keep it real, peace and love is all that matters

jeff said...

Your grandma is awesome. I wonder what she'll come up with for the next holiday.

Kitty said...

Sneaky old bird!

I wouldn't mind Malach marrying my grandmother. Except she's dead.


Shemley said...

I cannot believe she did that, my God...

Getty72 said...

Awwww Elise, you have such a big warm heart. I'd love to give you a big hug myself after reading that post :)

I can relate to this post in more ways than you realise. My grandmother died a year ago tonight, in a tragic accident.... In February last year, we had to put her in a care home as she suffered severe memory loss following a stroke. It's my mother's birthday today, and today last year the whole family visited the care-home to celebrate my mother's birthday with my gran. It was a wonderful day, where we all laughed and shared happy memories. In the eary hours of 26th March, I was awoken to the news that my gran had fallen out of an upstairs window at the care home and was in a critical condition. I rushed to the hospital, but she had unfortunately passed away by the time I arrived.

We all hold on to the memory of the day before, when we were together and happy.

So, as I mentioned at the beginning, your post is a truly special one to me. I must admit though, I do think your gran was pretty mean tricking everybody like that. Nobody should joke about their health....lol! I also agree with Miss M, why do we have to have a specific day to get together?

Warm wishes ~ Graham xxx

lotus07 said...

Quid Pro Quo...next Easter call her and tell her you contracted ebola and can't leave the house....doctors orders.

Chickie said...

How sneaky! I'll bet she is quite a character.

BBwillToLive said...

"...reminding people what's important in life."

I like your Grandmamma's philosophy~~even,the created "lie" that got everybody over to the house.

She's got spunk & sounds like someone a person would love to have dinner with, anytime!

~~Spring is here!

This entire post made me smile, Elise.


Ruby said...

tee hee hee....your granma sounds as naughty as mine!!! they are a hoot though!

hayley-emsley said...

Phew - I am soooo glad she is ok!! What a minx! haha

Hayley x

KaB said...

That lady has got balls...my word!

At least your dad & Solicitor got to meet...how lovely!

Look on the brightside, at least she's alright!

By the by, you've been tagged!

roentarre said...

What a pair of adorable grandparents you have!

It seems that you have a unique festival easter and plenty of love around.

I miss my grannie...

Cocaine Princess said...

Your grandma sounds cute and cheeky! But I am glad she is ok.

Cocaine Princess

bRaT said...

amazing post.. you have a really sweet gram... and a really evil one too :)

Tequila Mockingbird said...

HAHAHA awesome. i hope when i'm older i'll have the same sense of humor

Slyde said...

ouch! that is one devious grandma!

p.s. thanks for dropping by the site.... i am perplexed by the fact that you say that you usually freeze up when entering my site... ive never heard of that one b4...

Michelle Hix said...

OMG! Elise...your grandma is a spunky little thing isn't she?

astrogalaxy said...

Great Post Elise.
I think your Grandma is COOL!

B.E. Earl said...

You've received glorious accolades over at my blog.

Come on over and see.

Natalie said...

What a great lesson. Thanks for sharing:-)

Daisy said...


old people need to know that we still need them, I guess.

we might end up doing the same thing when we're older. XD