Tuesday, 30 October 2007

Lawyers and Passionate Sex

At 8am this morning Gay Boss and I went to see the solicitor and his associate concerning the recent accusation from Old Prick. I met the solicitor once before at the last Christmas party. He reminded me of a sweet old leprechaun, extremely Irish and festively wearing green. He had a great sense of humour and I was looking forward to seeing him again. The associate apparently is in the process taking over our account as Irish is on the verge of retirement.

We were greeted warmly by Irish but as I turned to meet his associate I nearly collapsed...

I don't normally write about my personal life as this blog is dedicated to my work place but I think a little background information would explain my reaction.

I was 18 when I lost my virginity. I had just moved to university when I met him. I accidentally bumped into him outside the library. Or he bumped into me. I can't remember how it happened I just remember his eyes. They were the most intense eyes I had ever seen. I could feel them piercing into mine before they travelled down the length of my body mentally undressing me.

He was serious and arrogant but he had an extremely strong sexual pull, not just with me but with pretty much every girl around him. Girls shamelessly looked at him with adoration. It felt good to be seen with him.

Two weeks later, after lots of passionate kissing and lots of dates to various bars he undressed me for real. I remember his expert hands were everywhere. Touching, teasing, kneading. He drove me wild with his mouth. Kissing, biting, his hot breath on every inch of my body. It hurt when he finally entered me. But I didn't want him to slow down. I loved how hungry and passionate he was. I loved it when he looked into my eyes with intense lust....

He walked me home that night. We stopped every few yards to kiss. When we had finally got to my door we were practically pulling of each others clothes. We spent the night touching, kissing and making love.

When I woke up the next morning he was gone. He left a note on my desk simply saying: "You are beautiful and last night was amazing". I never saw him again. I tried to call but he never answered.

He shook my hand professionally and leaned forward and kissed my cheek. The imprint of his lips burned into my cheek and I struggled to keep control of the situation. His eyes, still intense, slowly travelled down my body. I felt naked and I desperately fought the urge to cross my arms.

I needed to calm down and stay focused so I excused myself and asked to use the bathroom. I practically ran down the corridor pushed open the heavy door and locked myself in. I stared at my reflection. I didn't look too bad. Hair and make-up were still in place. It was just the flushed cheeks and the crazy look in my eyes that needed to be sorted out.

I stood by the opened window and reached into my bag for my emergency cigarette. It had been there for over 7 months so it was slightly squashed but it definitely did the job. A few pulls and I felt so calm. I couldn't smoke the rest, my head started spinning with shock from the rare nicotine buzz. I flushed the remainder down the toilet and walked back to the office.

I don't know how I managed to get through the next couple of hours. I remained professional even though inside I was dying to scream out and demand responses to so many unanswered questions. I wasn't really listening to most of the conversation. I nodded when I thought it was appropriate and only spoke if I was asked a direct question.

He walked me back to the lobby while Gay Boss and Irish went over some last details. Every time he accidentally touched me I felt jolts of electricity run through me. We stopped by the door and he smiled and asked if I was seeing anybody. What an arrogant asshole! It took all of my effort not to slap him for acting so normal. I smiled back and kissed him lightly on the lips and whispered, "Take care". I walked out of the door without looking back.

I think I handled that very well.

Monday, 29 October 2007

An Office Affair

On Friday afternoon Gay Boss came back to my office with stacks of papers. He locked the door behind him and handed me a a booklet of A4 sheets stapled together. It was the transcription of the last meeting with Old Prick. I read the highlighted section and nearly fainted. Old Prick accused Gay Boss of having a "personal relationship" with me! Oh my God what a fucking idiot!

Okay just to clear the air, not many people actually know that Gay Boss is Gay. Scruffy Artist and I are the only ones that know. (I sort of went through his computer once and found something. I couldn't keep it in so I told Scruffy Artist)

I started laughing so hard when I read the transcript that I started crying. When I'd calmed down I realised the seriousness of the situation. Old Prick had accused the Managing Director of having an affair with an employee. He also accused us both of trying to manage him out of the company. This looks bad. Really bad.

I hope this accusation doesn't go too far, it wouldn't be fair on Gay Boss if he had to come out of the closet in public. And more importantly its not fair on me! Its not my fault if Old Prick is incompetent and can't do his job properly. He had no right to drag me into this.

I spent the weekend plotting ways to punish Old Prick. I went through public humiliation and ended up thinking up a crazy plot to hire criminals to petrol bomb his house. I realise that most of my plans are not feasible. I mean I don't actually know that many criminals. And to be honest I don't really want to go down for arson, or worse murder.

What should I do? I need some help here

Friday, 26 October 2007

A Full English Breakfast At Granny's

I decided to call off the plan with Preppy. For some odd reason it just didn't feel right. I don't normally set up situations just for fun, I only do it if I'm desperate for some information. I realised that I don't really like to cause mischief I just like knowing everyone's sordid secrets.

Bimbo and I had breakfast together this morning. We went to a small cafe called Granny's for a full English fry-up. Granny's was filled with dirty fat builders laughing, joking and burping. The only waitress (I assume is Granny) looked around fifty with greasy skin and a toothless grin. Despite the unpleasant surroundings (and the occasional wolf whistle) breakfast was amazing. Eggs fried to perfection, crispy bacon, tasty sausages, baked beans, fried mushrooms, fried bread and a lovely sweet cup of tea. Its Friday we're allowed to eat food that clogs arteries!

I told Bimbo about lunch with Preppy. Bimbo doesn't like Preppy. Apparently whenever Preppy sees Bimbo she makes a point of embarrassing her by asking her complex questions in front of people. When Bimbo struggles to comprehend Preppy laughs and makes a nasty comment.

Now that is completely out of line! Okay I know I've done some pretty strange things and I'm a hopeless gossip but I would never go out of my way to publicly embarrass someone. Bimbo looked upset when she told me. Her big blue eyes welled up. Oh God I hoped she wasn't going to cry again! There were nasty builders everywhere and at least one would shout out something.

Thankfully Bimbo didn't cry. She just reached over and held my hand. "I'm glad your still my friend." I smiled and squeezed her hand back. A sweaty builder on a nearby table wolf whistled causing Bimbo and I to laugh. We giggled together as we walked back to work linking arms.

Gay Boss was waiting for my in my office when I arrived. Old Prick has taken the day off. "what's going on?" I asked. Seriously, the whole situation with Old Prick getting the boot is really frustrating. I need to know whats going on! Gay Boss smiled. "I got a meeting in an hour. We'll talk later."

Oh sounds juicy! Can't wait....

Thursday, 25 October 2007

Lunch with Preppy

I met Preppy for lunch at a local Weather Spoons pub. After ordering food and drinks at the bar we carefully made our way through the crowded tables holding glasses filled to the brim with Jack Daniels and coke. (I know we're working but one drink won't hurt!) I noticed that she couldn't stop staring at my pink fishnet tights. Once we had sat down I laughed and told her about my morning ladder experience and Bimbo coming to the rescue.

"Oh that explains it!" She laughed, "I thought the pink was a bit too slutty for you. Suits her though!"

I know its hypocritical but for some odd reason that little dig pissed me off. I suddenly realised that Bimbo is probably my best friend at work. She's always there to make me laugh, groom my eyebrows, paint my nails etc. I ignored the comment and moved the conversation swiftly onto Piggy's crush on 4eyes.

Preppy spoke to her yesterday and invited her out on a girls-only drink after work for next Friday. She plans to get her drunk enough to spill the beans. I decided to elaborate on that plan just as an experiment. This is our final strategy:

  • We're going to invite a few more girls so it looks like a real girls-night-out thing. I'll pop into Admin tomorrow and invite Bimbo and the girls and Preppy is going to invite the two other girls in Accounts.

  • I'll go see Stoner in the Creative department and ask him for a small favour. As we are planning a girls-night-out maybe he can plan a boys night out on the same night. (LOL an advanced leaving party for Old Prick)

  • Whilst pub crawling we all accidentally end up in the same place. Hopefully Piggy and Old Prick will be legless at this point.

  • Maybe something might happen....

It occurred to Preppy and I over lunch that Piggy and Old Prick are pretty much perfect for each other. If this doesn't work I'm sure we'll get many embarrassing stories for work the next week...

The ladder experience

This morning a had a ladder experience.

I was running slightly late for work today. I blame this on the fact that when I woke up it was practically the middle of the night and I felt cheated out of sleep. It was still dark and gloomy at 7am as I rushed through the tube station with a copy of The Metro newspaper tucked under my arm and a steaming raspberry tea in my other hand. The Metro slowly began to slide from my arm and I instinctively reached down to rescue it. In the process I spilt the hot raspberry tea all over my skirt and my nail caught my tights ripping a gigantic hole up the outside of my thigh. (Thank God my legs are freshly waxed!)

I arrived to work at 7:45am looking like a tramp. The ladder in my tights had somehow expanded and stretched across the fool length of my leg and my light grey skirt had a huge contrasting pink stain down the front. The added tragedy is that I didn't even have time to read The Metro. I walked straight to Admin in search of Bimbo. She seems like the type that may have a spare pair of tights with her at all times. She gasped when she saw me and snapped into action. She did have a spare pair of tights but they were hot pink fishnets. Slightly slutty but I guess beggars can't be choosers. And, being the angel that she is, she used cotton pads and nail varnish remover to treat the pink stain. What a life saver!

I invited her join me and Preppy for lunch to show my gratitude but she quickly refused. She apparently has work to do....

Wednesday, 24 October 2007

Office Gossip

I spent yet another day away from my office. Gay Boss and Old Prick had another confidential meeting regarding Old Prick's invitation to leave. God knows what more they have to discuss. This is dragging on far too long, my ideas for reorganising and decorating the office have been put on hold.

I spent the morning in Admin with Bimbo "going over the schedule". As usual Bimbo had the latest issue of Vogue spread out on her desk along with her industrial sized make-up bag. Today she decided to try out the dark smokey look on me; modeled on five spreads by an insanely thin model with dark skin and unnaturally blue eyes. There's something very therapeutic about make-overs. I'm not sure whether its the feeling of soft brush strokes massaging the face or the anticipation of what you're going to look like in the end. Maybe its the combination, coupled with Bimbo's mindless chatter. I allowed myself to relax and enjoy the pampering for a full two hours.

I left Admin around 11:30am looking beautiful. I convinced Bimbo to remove the smokey look and redo my face to suit "the office look". She reluctantly agreed even though it looked "really, really nice!". She definitely should have been a professional make-up artist.

I decided to toddle off to Accounts to waste time and to see if anything new had happened. Accounts is usually the most boring department in the company, most people take life way too seriously. Whenever I walk towards their offices a little voice inside my head tells me to walk professionally.

There are a few simple techniques to walking professionally:

1) Stand up straight and rigid, shoulders back, chin up.

2) Always walk with a purpose and with the heel-toe rhythm (heel-toe-hell-toe...)

3) When passing other colleagues make eye contact and give a swift nod

4) Arms by your sides and absolutely no fidgeting

When I arrived I was greeted by Piggy with a loud snort. Piggy definitely has the worst attitude in the world. As usual there was a tight frown on her sweaty pink face and her beady eyes scornfully sized me up. "He's not here" she stated. Who? What the hell is she on about? "and if I were you I'd be ashamed. Trying to mess about with a married man." Piggy stomped passed me, her limp pony-tail swinging viciously from side-to-side.

I stood still. Extremely confused and angry that Piggy could ever accuse me of anything like it. Preppy, who had over heard Piggy's outrageous comment smiled kindly and offered me a cup of tea. I don't think I've ever properly spoken to Preppy before, other than the swift nod I hardly see her. She seems nice enough.

Over a nice cup of tea Preppy explained Piggy's accusation. A couple of weeks ago Piggy saw me and 4eyes slip into the disabled toilets together and lock the door. She jumped to the conclusion that there was something going on. (For the real story behind that read blog: Monday Morning Clarity...) Preppy also told me that Piggy has a major crush on 4eyes. Wow, Accounts isn't so boring after all!

Preppy is quite good to talk to. The two of us seem to have similar personalities. She doesn't like Piggy almost as much as I hate Old Prick.

We're having lunch tomorrow. I think a bit of mischief is on the menu.....

Tuesday, 23 October 2007

Dirt from the horse's mouth...

The sun is setting on Old Pricks time at our beloved company.

Gay Boss had planned a one-to-one meeting with Old Prick for this morning. Around 5:25pm yesterday Old Prick told Gay Boss that he would like to bring a friend to the meeting to take notes. Being an understanding person Gay Boss realised that Old Prick needed somebody there to stop him from saying something stupid. He agreed and suggested the meeting should be held in the office that Old Prick and I share. I have to admire Gay Boss at times. Having the meeting in our office is an attempt to put Old Prick's mind at ease...

I was desperate to stay in my office this morning. There's nothing like dirt from the horses mouth. However, I was advised to spend time with the Creative time to "enhance my understanding of that division".

For hours Scruffy Artist, Stoner and I gossiped and swapped information on the Old Prick situation. Apparently Old Prick had written an eight page document on the working relationships in the company and emailed it to Gay Boss late last night as part of his "evidence".
Of course being a tad curious I wanted to read the document. Scruffy Artist is apposed to anything "wrong", and in his eyes hacking into Gay Boss's computer is wrong. So Stoner and I walked to Gay Boss's office, typed in his password and quickly printed off a copy.

Old Prick is a wanker!

He said that Gay Boss and I have never been able to work together and that the only reason we are now communicating is because Old Prick mended and developed our relationship. What a lie! Old Prick has always been jealous that Gay Boss and I have a good working relationship.

He also said Gay Boss does not have a good working relationship with Scruffy Artist and they hardly speak to each other. Gay Boss and Scruffy Artist go out for drinks after work with other people from the company. They have a great working relationship and there have never been any problems.

Not only is Old Prick a wanker, he is also a liar!

He criticised Stoner for being late to work every day. Stoner works flexi-hours and he always makes up the time. The Creative team have nothing to do with Old Prick anyway. Their business doesn't concern him at all.

He criticised Bimbo and the other people in Admin for "slow response", whatever the hell that means.

He even had bad words to say about Accounts! Old Prick knows nothing about accounts.

If this pile of crap is the only evidence Old Prick can find to support his case... well he has no case! Nothing written in the document was factual or even close to the truth and it definitely has no relevance to the fact that Old Prick is incompetent and can not do his job.

I'd be lying if I said that the document didn't bother me. I was so angry I wanted to print out more copies and distribute them around the company. Stoner reminded me that we shouldn't have seen it and that it will only cause trouble for us. I hate it when he's right.
Old Prick has taken the rest of the day off. Gay Boss hasn't said anything about the meeting yet. He will.... At some point tomorrow.

Monday, 22 October 2007

Negative can mean Positive...

Is absolutely freezing today. I arrived at my office shortly after 8am wrapped up in layers of jumpers, scarfs coats etc. Old Prick was manically printing out documents and filling them away in blue manila folders. I smiled innocently while I unwrapped my many layers. "Big presentation coming up?" He was desperately trying to hide the contents of the many sheets of paper by stuffing them into his desk draw. Clearing his throat he tried to act "normal" again.

As much as I love making him uncomfortable I was dying for a nice raspberry tea so I trotted down to Admin to ask Bimbo if she wanted breakfast. When I found her she looked awful. (Bimbo normally looks like a model; hair, make-up, nails etc always flawless, so by awful I mean she hadn't groomed herself to perfection)

She ordered a hot-chocolate with extra whipped cream and a flake, along with chocolate chip muffins. Okay this has got to be bad. I prepared myself for tears over a death in the family or a relationship breakdown. I did not expect her to say what she did;

"I went to have a smear test on Friday. My test results say its negative!" Tears welled up in her eyes and she struggled not to sob out loud. "What am I going to do?"

I had to bite my lip to stop myself from laughing. I mean honestly how dumb can you be! I slowly explained to her that negative means that everything is okay. Bimbo was so relieved she cried. Why do people keep doing that around me? I mean everyone was looking at us!

After sobbing her heart out Bimbo dragged me to her office and pulled out her industrial sized make-up bag. She insisted on giving me a makeover for "saving her life". I left Admin feeling happy and pretty...

I'm off to find out the dirt on Old Prick. Judging from this morning I guess the countdown is about to begin... Tick Tock!

Friday, 19 October 2007

I am tired and pissed off.... and completely fucked!

Its Friday morning and I am tired and pissed off.

Last week Gay Boss went through all employees' emails and found emails from Old Prick. He even called up all of our clients and got emails sent to them from Old Prick. (My plan had the same outcome but it sort of involved hacking into the administrative computer and stealing and copying. I'm glad I didn't do it. How stupid would that have been!) Between big meetings and organising key events this week, Gay Boss filed all emails and other evidence into folders for the lawyer. Needless to say he had a long week.

Old Prick is still acting "normal". He doesn't seem to realise that everybody knows everything and that we all hate him.

Earlier this week I had a meeting with a couple of directors and a seriously smart mathematician. (I never even knew you could do that as a profession!). I'm not exactly the dumbest person in the world but for five long hours I had absolutely no idea what was being said. The conversation was a bit too technical. I maintained a professional appearance and often agreed with the mathematician: "Of course I completely understand your point of view, but in my opinion the formula proposed seems to incorporate the best possible outcome for all our needs."

At the time I think I pulled if off. They all took my opinion into consideration. This morning I received an email from one of the directors suggesting that we individually write up a report on the outcome of the meeting stating the pros and cons. He thinks it will give more insight to every body's thoughts on the matter and will help with the final decision.

I don't know what to do... I'm tired and pissed off... and its safe to say I'm completely fucked!

Wednesday, 10 October 2007

Formulating a plan...

I came in at 7:30am to catch up with work. The odd thing about my position is that although it is high and although my pay-check is quite comfortable there isn't an awful lot of work to do. I do quarterly reports for existing clients. I call, present and follow up with new contacts and generally see that things are running smoothly within my department.

Old Prick does the same thing I do with different clients and contacts. He spends all day working. He even eats his lunch at his computer. I have no idea why it takes up so much time. His presentations and reports end up in such a bad state, looking very GCSE, he's either a complete idiot or he spends more time on other things.

Anyway, it almost 11am and my days work is pretty much done. I've completed two presentations and my Client Reports are all ready to be emailed to them. I have a few follow-up phone calls to make later on but I'll leave them for the afternoon. I now am free to do some more snooping...

After reading Keriam's comment yesterday I have decided to take up his suggestion and discreetly look for more emails from Old Prick to other people. Because I can't tell anyone the current situation due to the confidentiality clause, I have thought of a plan.

Okay its probably just as illegal as breaching confidentiality but its going to be so worth it if I pull it off!

I'll explain everything later, and hopefully the outcome will be successful.......

If you get a chance check out Keriam's blog. Fantastic photos and poems: http://keriam-searching.blogspot.com/

Tuesday, 9 October 2007

On the hunt for Evidence

While I was locked in the disabled toilets with 4eyes yesterday listening to his personal problems, Gay Boss had received an important email from Old Prick confirming that he was taking legal action against the company for "unfair dismissal". I found this news slightly odd as Old Prick had been acting strangely normal for the past few days.

Gay Boss almost had a heart attack when he checked his email from home. I found him in his office this morning wrapped up in two jumpers sipping hot Lemsip with a mountain of paper at his feet. He handed me the printed email and I couldn't believe what Old Prick had written:
  • He claimed that the reason that existing clients had not been contact by him in the last three months was due to a technical problem with his Internet and phone line. (Okay we had a minor difficulty with the Internet a while ago but it was just our office. We were free to use the Internet in other offices. As for the phone line, there were absolutely no problems at all!)

  • He also claimed the technical difficulty had hindered his communication with New Business Contacts. (The minor problem with the Internet has no relevance to any of this!)

Gay Boss asked me to check my email history to find an email sent from Old Prick during that three month period. Apparently Old Prick has a massive gap in his inbox during that period, highlighting the "lack of Internet access". Fuck! I updated my email last Monday. I deleted all emails from my inbox to clear space!

At the request of Gay Boss I called Scruffy Artist to his office. Scruffy Artist has a history of random emails from Old Prick and Gay Boss needed consented access to all of them. The three of us sat together while Gay Boss explained the whole legal problem. We then went through our emails gathering as much evidence as possible against the alleged "technical difficulty".

Unfortunately I have no emails at all during the specified period. I've spent ages speaking to the software company going through codes and passwords so that they can retrieve my deleted mail and export it back to my inbox. No such luck yet...

The whole matter of Old Prick being "invited to leave" was supposed to stay confidential between Old Prick, Gay Boss and CEO. Now that Scruffy Artist and I know all the gritty details we both have to keep our mouths shut about the situation so we don't cause a real legal battle. I am absolutely dying to tell Stoner the situation, I know he can be discrete. But I have to hold myself back...

Monday, 8 October 2007

Monday Morning Clarity..

I spent all night preparing for a presentation for this morning only to find out that it's been cancelled. I feel awful! The Pro-Plus is starting to kick in. I no longer feel tired but I have a dull headache.

Bimbo from Admin called a while ago to let me know that Gay Boss has a terrible cold and won't be coming in today. Of course I quickly jumped to the conclusion that 4eyes must also have a bad cold so I took a little walk to Accounts.

For some odd reason Accounts was buzzing with excitement. I couldn't see 4eyes anywhere so I asked Piggy if she knew where I could find him. Piggy is probably the most unfriendly person in the world. She has a permanent frown pasted on her sweating pink face and she had an uncanny knack for answering every question with a snort or a grunt. Today was no different. She sized me up with her small beady eyes and grunted. She pointed me in the direction of the toilets before stomping off.

I waited. And waited.... Paced the corridor. And waited some more.
4eyes finally emerged looking worse than ever. His eyes were swollen and his nose was red. I knew it! They're both ill from they're encounter on Friday... Oh my god! Maybe they spent the weekend together too!

Actually.... 4eyes looked like he'd been... crying?!

I didn't know what to do so I did something that I don't normally do... I hugged him. I held him while he dissolved into sobs. Piggy walked passed and gave us a strange look. Shit I hope she didn't think there was something going on! I mean 4eyes is married and possibly gay. And he's definately not my type! Scared that we'd be spotted again I walked him into the disabled toilets. I locked the door while he sat on the toilet seat ripping tissue from the roll.

"My brother's gay!" he sobbed. His brother?! What the fuck!

An hour later it all made sense. And 4eyes had definitely had a mad week!

He caught his teenage brother going into a Gay Bar last Tuesday. He was driving past the bar on his way to Lamaze class with his wife when he spotted him in the queue with another guy.

On Wednesday he couldn't concentrate at work and he messed up a few of the invoices. He'd spent all day thinking about what he was going to do.

Gay Boss pulled him up regarding the invoices on Thursday morning. 4eyes couldn't hold it in so he told Gay Boss everything in confidence. Gay Boss convinced him it might be nothing, but if he wanted to, he would go to the bar with him to see if his brother was there. (I guess he took him up on the offer because Stoner saw them both that night). He wasn't there but there was a guy there called Timmy who knew 4eyes' brother and he told them that they were all going to a Rainbow Bar in Vauxhall on Friday. (The other conversation that Stoner picked up on).

On Friday 4eyes went to Vauxhall alone. Gay Boss couldn't make it because he was feeling ill. 4eyes saw his brother kissing a bloke under the bridge outside a pub and he went mental. He starting hitting him etc

They had a family dinner on Saturday and being a right idiot 4eyes told them all at the dinner table. His mother cried and his father went mad at his brother.

On Sunday his father kicked his brother out of the house. Now 4eyes feels really guilty.

And I feel really stupid. I thought he was cheating on his wife! Damn it Elise! Stop getting carried away with gossip...

I offered 4eyes words of comfort and a few more hugs. After promising not to tell anyone I left him in the toilets and made my way back to the office. Of course I had to call Stoner and let him know everything. And write it all down...

Friday, 5 October 2007

Undercover Agents

I invited Gay Boss to lunch. I needed to keep him occupied for a while so Stoner could check out his computer history etc. So I struck up a conversation about Old Prick.

Bitching about Old Prick can easily fill anyone's day and I also wanted to find out about what Gay Boss was dying to tell me yesterday. He's still sworn to code of confidentiality so I couldn't get much out of him. Stalled him for an hour before he needed to get back to his office. I called Stoner to warn him and I told him to meet me outside Admin in 15mins for a quick update.

The info was juicy! Stoner managed to hack into Gay Boss's email account. How? Apparently a password is most likely to be:

  • Wife/husbands name

  • Pet name

  • Mothers name

  • Name of street

Gay Boss definitely loves his mum!

Stoner basically read a few emails from 4eyes... They had planned to meet last night! Shit it looks like Stoner was right. He did see them together. There was a part of me that thought that the effect of the E may have warped his mind and he imagined it, but here it is. Evidence.

Now what?

Okay I know this was really mean but I just needed to check something. I asked Bimbo in Admin for a small favour. I asked her to call Accounts and ask 4eyes to come and check out the invoice mailings. She's not the brightest person in the world so its easy to make out there's been a bit of a mix up.

I then went back to my office and told Old prick that Gay Boss is planning on going over the Client files. Predictable Old Prick got up saying that he should really be there so they can both go through them. I then called Gay Boss to tell him Old Prick was coming to see him. Gay Boss hates being bothered Friday afternoon so he decided to take a walk to avoid him.

Whew! Manipulating the situation is so hard!

The only place anyone goes to avoid Old Prick is Admin. Old Prick strongly believes Admin is like an old "typing pool" full of secretaries. Its beneath him to even enter the offices.

So 4eyes and Gay Boss have to bump into each other... The perfect coincidence!

I called Stoner to get him to sneak over and the low down.

Ten minutes later he called and said they're going out tonight. Its a bar in Vauxhall.

Oh my god! its worse than I thought! For those of you that don't know about London Vauxhall is home to a grotty pub called The Vauxhall Tavern. The windows are always blacked-out and the queue is predominantly full of butch, bald biker-type gay men. There's no way Stoner would ever go there even if he was high on E. Its not a place for happy-go-lucky people. Gay rapes are common around there...

Fuck! I've done no work today. I can't concentrate. Shit this is bad! What should I do? How the hell am I supposed to work when I know the sick, twisted secrets around here? Then again how do people work without dramas.

Better copy power point docs onto memory stick. Will sort out work Sunday night. Need to think of a plan...


This morning the gossiper inside me was a little thrilled by Stoner's random discovery. Its Friday and a little nosing around is sure to make the day go by faster.

Thinking about it now I'm not sure how to feel. If Stoner's right and Gay Boss was with 4eyes last night then there are so many issues that have suddenly emerged:

  • 4eyes is cheating on his wife

  • he has a three year old daughter to think about

  • he's either Gay or Bisexual

  • an office affair is hardly appropriate

  • being involved with your boss can be seen as manipulation

4eyes cheating on his wife:

Okay I strongly believe that cheating on your partner is wrong. It is so hurtful in so many ways. It shows a complete lack of respect.

Three year old daughter:

I know times are different now but when I was three years old family security was probably the most important thing in my life. Parents divorcing or separating can be so difficult for a child of that age, and I do believe it can contributes to many issues later on in life.

And i know that we live in a liberal society, but finding out your father is gay can be extremely shocking and I think can also contribute to problems later in life. Especially if you are too young to fully understand it.

Gay or Bisexual:

This is madness. There are so many stories of straight people suddenly deciding that they are gay or bisexual. Many gay people believe that homosexuality is innate. If that's true then why do straight people turn gay? There are stories of over 30 years of marriage going down the pan because someone has suddenly decided that they are gay and they want to be true to themselves. Is it innate or society?

An Office Affair:

Can you combine work and personal life? I don't think its appropriate... If something goes wrong in the relationship how can work life not suffer as a result?

Involved with Boss:

I don't think its right. The Boss will always give you special treatment if your intimately involved. It unfair on the rest of the employees. And what if you break up? Being sacked for personal reasons is wrong. Leaving because its awkward... well what are you going to tell your next employee "Reason for leaving? Um I slept with my Boss and now its awkward being there"

I can't stop thinking about how bad this would be if its true.... I mean its fun to gossip but I think people will get hurt...

Shit! what a stupid time for me to develop a conscience! Fuck it, I need to find out the truth. And after that I'll weigh out my options: to spread gossip or not to spread gossip? that is the question!

Breakfast with Stoner

I just had breakfast with Stoner.

Stoner is part of the "Creative Team" with Scruffy Artist. The Creative Team usually arrive at work at around 10:30am. They have no strict schedule and its not a problem as long as they get their work done. Stoner normally gets in around noon so it was a bit of a surprise bumping into him at the coffee shop.

He's table had a mountain of mini muffins on his table and being a such a generous person he offered me breakfast while he told me about his wild night. He told me he'd been at work since 4:30am! Why the hell would anybody come in so bloody early?!

He'd gone to a club last night with a bunch of druggie students that he knew from Uni. After taking E they thought it would be a great idea to toddle off to a Gay-Bar and make a few friends. (Apparently people on E just love to hug people. I suppose hugging takes place in alot of Gay-Bars..?) Anyway, while they were making friends Stoner notice Gay Boss in a corner chatting to some guy... He thinks its 4eyes from Accounts!

Okay that is completely shocking. Not only is Gay Boss still in the closet. (most people can't even tell that he's Gay. I thought that me and Scruffy Artist were the only ones that knew), but 4eyes from Account is married!

Stoner was completely shocked. He never even suspected Gay Boss of being homosexual. He came straight to work after his night out to look for any evidence.

This is madness! Its like living in a Soap... Need to investigate affair further....

Thursday, 4 October 2007

The day after the day before

Well today has been...well..."normal"

Old Prick came in to work as usual, and acted like nothing happened. After an hour of "normality" I couldn't take the suspense. I took a walk to Gay Boss's office and casually dropped in to say hi.

"I can't tell you what happened so don't ask" he said before I even had a chance to comment on the weather. He's dying to say something I can tell. I hung around for a bit hoping he would crack. Gave up after half an hour.

Old Prick keeps leaving the room for mysterious conversations on his mobile phone. Recruitment probably. I wonder how long it will take him physically leave. Unless of course he's just been given a warning and he's staying on.... I hate being in the dark! Gonna have lunch with Scruffy Artist, he might know something.

Scruffy Artist and I spent lunch sharing information. So far:

  • We know that Gay Boss wanted to sack him

  • I told CEO that Old Prick is the worst person to work with

  • Scruffy Artist told CEO that he thinks Old Prick is not a great team player

  • Gay Boss is dying to say something but can't

  • Scruffy Artist said that Gay Boss said he'd tell us in a few weeks

  • Old Prick is taking secret phone calls

Conclusion: We both think Old Prick has been given a month to leave. Not an earth shattering conclusion... I was hoping for a dramatic exit yesterday. That he'd storm in, clear out his desk and piss off.

Oh well... I wonder how I'm going to rearrange the office when he goes...

Doubt anything else will happen today.

Long Day....

Yesterday was the longest day I've ever had at work. CEO arrived at 10am sharp. Everyone made a special effort to look smart. Even Scruffy Artist managed to wear a pin-striped blazer and smart shoes. His nails were painted a pale grey and he wore grey frayed jeans but he looked as conservative as I'd ever seen him.

CEO and Gay Boss disappeared to the board room for two hours to discuss the current situation. Old Prick got on with work thinking that the meeting was just an over view of the past three months. For some strange reason I started to feel some sympathy towards him. Over the first hour the sympathy slowly turned to guilt. I couldn't help thinking about the amount of times I had complained and gossiped about him. I needed to leave the office. I spent the next hour with Bimbo from admin "going over the schedule".

Bimbo is desperately into her looks. She spends the better part of the day reapplying make-up and flicking through fashion magazines. There's something so calming about talking to someone with the attention span of a puppy. When I found her she was flicking through Heat Magazine reading slimming tips. She began updating me on Britney Spears' custody drama but it wasn't long before she noticed that my eyebrows needed plucking. She gave me a quick makeover while she chatted about her boyfriend's new sofa. I left admin freshly groomed and feeling much better.

I bumped into Gay Boss on my way back to my office. He looked pissed off. "Where the fuck have you been?" he whispered. He grabbed my arm and quickly walked me to the board room. "CEO wants to see you." Me?! Shit...!

I walked into the huge room alone. CEO was sitting at the head of the long table. He gestured to the chair at the other end. Talk about old fashioned. It would make more sense if I sat in the chair next to him. At least we wouldn't have to strain our voices to communicate! CEO's a nice guy. He never lets anybody leave his company without speaking to them. He told me he wanted to get an over view of the situation. Everything I said to him would be completely confidential.

Okay I got a bit carried away. I started off with general vague issues i.e. lack of team collaboration etc but then something switched inside me and I couldn't stop. I told CEO that Old Prick was not a team player. His sheer arrogance is frustrating. He makes rash decisions without informing anyone. I just went on and on. When I was finished CEO just nodded. He smiled and walked me to the door. Old Prick was waiting outside the board room to see CEO. I felt a horrible pang of guilt when I walked past.

After hours of pacing the corridors, rearranging my desk draws, drinking endless cups of tea Old Prick finally came back to the office. He didn't say anything. We sat in complete silence for the rest of the day.....

Tuesday, 2 October 2007

Secret Bitch

I'm pretending to work so that I don't have to make conversation with the old prick sharing an office with me. I've been working here for over a year and I've often seriously contemplated throwing something hard at his head. Not because I don't like him, but because I want to knock some kind of sense into him. He has the arrogance of an estate agent coupled with the brain density of a brick. Apparently I'm not the only one that thinks so...

My boss is a cynical still-in-the-closet gay guy. We're both bitchy gossips, which is great eighty percent of the time. The other twenty percent is spent spitting nasty remarks at each other... So, earlier today we were having a little chit-chat about how useless the Old Prick is when Gay Boss says "look this is just between me and you right," (yeah - me, you and now everyone reading this blog!) "the CEO's flying over tomorrow and Old Prick's going to be "invited to leave" in a few weeks" Gay Boss was looking for a reaction from me, I could tell, so I put on a shocked-sort-of-upset expression.

I found Scruffy Artist guy on my way back to my office. He's a sweet guy, gets along with everyone in the company. A kind of agony aunt in a way; (I cried once after a major argument with Old Prick when I first started and spilled my guts to Scruffy Artist. I don't normally cry, I think I was on my period or something. I don't think he's ever told anyone at work). He's not usually one to spread gossip but I thought I'd test the water and see if he had any knowledge on Old Prick leaving. We chatted about nothing for a bit and then I told him that Old Prick nearly made me cry again ( a complete lie). Scruffy Artist hugged me and said that things are defiantly going to work out... Damn he knew before me!

Old Prick is leaning back in his chair chatting to a client. His stupid fake laugh is pissing me off. Its hard to hold back from saying "you know something? your getting sacked tomorrow!"