Wednesday, 27 May 2009

The Police Interview

I've been pretty tired. Too tired to blog. Too tired to read (and believe me I've missed reading blogs).

There's been little progress on CEO's claim. Obviously the police have to investigate every case that gets thrown their way, no matter how stupid it may seem.

Apparently it wasn't always like that. Before the "terror" attacks, the police would refuse to view cases if they didn't deem them as important. Now all cases are important. Talk about a waste of resources.

So last week the PO in charge of the case called me and asked me to come in for a friendly interview.

I said no.

He said if I refuse he'll have to come and collect me.

I was excited. I'd be one of those badass bitches. Maybe I could wear my leather jacket, some eyeliner...

"You mean you'll arrest me?!"

"It's not that dramatic."

"Will you cuff me?"


"Read me my rights?"


"Can we have the siren on?"


"This isn't a movie. And to be honest, the case is seriously minor."

"No excitement?"


"Oh. Okay."

In the end I drove down. They made me nice cup of ginger tea. (The metropolitan police budget includes Twinnings Special Tea! ps: Thanks Kitty, Crag and Angel for the tips) And they asked me a stream of questions.

I was there for about an hour. The PO looked like he was going to burst out laughing during the session. Believe me I held nothing back.

"This isn't the first time they've called the police." I told him. "CEO called the fraud squad once. Some one had a misspelling on their website."

That was a funny incident. They asked him how much money the company had lost because of it. CEO's attitude was "We didn't actually lose anything, but we could have lost money."

It's like leaving you're car door unlocked and calling the police the next day:
"Sir, you're car hasn't been stolen." "Yes, but the point is, it could have been."

How do people that stupid survive in the world? I hate the fact that they waltz through life without a fucking clue!

Tuesday, 19 May 2009

CEO's taken it too far. Time to rally the troops.

When you think all is lost, something happens and you realise that things are not so bad.

Sister and Nephew are still with us. They'll be going home soon. Nephew has school and although it's difficult for Brother-in-law and Sister, they have to bite the bullet and deal with it. They'll move back in and talk about the next steps.

Last night I got a call from CEO's new lawyer. I swore when I answered. It was a reflex action, I couldn't help it.

"Miss Secrets, I'm calling on behalf of my client, CEO."

"What the fuck do you want?"

To be fair, I did have my head down the toilet, again. The morning sickness hasn't gone anywhere. Sometimes it hits me with a vengeance.

There was a shocked silence on the other end of the phone. I'm guessing he didn't expect me to be so rude.

"I've emailed you some details concerning your breach of contract."

"Excuse me. What breach?"

Now, apparently CEO and New Guy have reason to believe I have breached my contract of employment and they are in the process of recovering losses.

As you can imagine, I didn't take too kindly to the allegation.

"Your client has nothing better to do with his time. Obviously he doesn't have a brain in his dense skull because in order to recover losses you need to have something called proof, and as a lawyer you should know this."

"Are you denying the allegations?"

"Are you listening to yourself? What am I supposed to have done?"

CEO has accused me of leaking trade secrets to a competitor under a false name.

There are many things wrong with this:

1. As far as I am aware, there are no trade secrets. Seriously, there are no secrets.

2. A false name? Hmm now if a false name was used, how can they be certain it was me?

3. Why would I do something so stupid?

In the end I told the lawyer to piss off and he told me that CEO has a right to apply for an injunction against me. I laughed and told him to go ahead. I'm not the one that's going to look like a total idiot.

I puked a little more after the phone call. And got a little emotional.


"Why won't they just leave me alone!"


"I haven't done-"


"What a bastard-"


"I hate-"


Solicitor knocked on the door.

"Elise? Can I come in?"




"Tell them to fuck-"



Sister knocked on the door.

"Elise, let me in! Are you okay?"

Nephew knocked.

"Aunt Elise! Are you going to die?"

I didn't answer. Instead I squeezed the largest amount of toothpaste onto my toothbrush and cleaned my teeth.

I told Solicitor about the phone call afterwards. He laughed and told me that I've got nothing to worry about. CEO's a complete idiot.

I got a phone call this morning from a police officer. He needs to follow up an attack on CEO's company security. I was pretty shocked. He told me that it's a standard follow up to any crime reported and that in his view it's pretty minor.

Yes, it is pretty minor. But to me it's pretty major. CEO called the police, after I told his lawyer to piss off, and made up an attack on his security (whatever that's supposed to mean).

CEO has taken it too far. It's time to rally the troops. First things first, I need some advice from Gay Boss.

Thursday, 14 May 2009

The full story, apparently

Nephew is Brother-in-law's son. Apparently.

I don't know what to believe, to be honest. Sister told me everything that night.

Sister was with Brother-in-law when Mother married Stepfather (Sister is my stepsister, but she's the only sibling I have. I love her). Anyway, Sister and Brother-in-law knew each other from school. They used to go camping together.

I don't understand the whole fuss about camping. You spend ages setting up a tent just so you can sit outside by a fire. You hardly sleep because there are so many insects around and you wake up smelly. Why not have a fire in the back garden? You can sit around in the grass and swap stories and get drunk. Once your all knackered you can stagger into a nice clean bed.

Anyway, Brother-in-law asked Sister to marry him on one of their group camping trips. Although she said yes, she later told Sean that she was unsure. She was a little drunk at the time. She shared a kiss with Sean behind one of the tents.

To be honest, when Sister told me that I was really pissed off. I told her everything that happened in my life, and she didn't trust me enough to tell me that she snogged her boyfriends best friend.

Anyway, Brother-in-law and Sister got married (obviously). I was maid of honour and Sean was best man. I remember he didn't look too happy that day. Then he tried to kiss me on the dance floor. It didn't work, I stepped on his toe with my heel. Besides I was young. Really young. What a perve!

He left for a job in Edinburgh not long afterwards. I didn't hear much about him after the wedding. I assumed he'd moved on with life.

A year or so into their marriage, Sean went to stay with Brother-in-law and Sister for a weekend. Now I'm pretty disgusted by this, but Sister slept with him. It was a one time thing, apparently.

I don't care that it was only one time. She was a bitch for doing it. Brother-in-law must have crossed her mind while it was happening. The fact that she didn't stop it just shows a lack of respect.

She told Brother-in-law. She couldn't keep it to herself. And he forgave her. He actually forgave her for sleeping with his best friend.

Sean showed up about six months ago and saw Brother-in-law, Sister and Nephew unloading the car. He must have got the wrong end of the stick because he rushed over and kept saying "Why didn't you tell me? Let me see my son."


Nephew is Brother-in-law's son. Brother-in-law went mad and told him to piss off out of their lives. And Sister thought that was the end of that.

Obviously not if she accidently got a text meant for some other woman.

I don't condone what Sister did, but that doesn't give Brother-in-law the right to cheat on her.

After Sister told me the full story I stared at her in shock. She wasn't the person I'd always thought she was. I'd always looked up to her. She was the one with high morality. She'd kept so much from me. When I lost my virginity she was the first person I called!

She was always so happy with Brother-in-law. They were the perfect, boring couple. Was that the problem? Was she bored with him? They could have spiced things up. Gone on holiday or something.

It's over. How are they going to work it out? How can you ever look at someone knowing that they've betrayed you?

Solicitor and I were lying in bed last night. I bit his shoulder gently and said "If you ever cheat on me, I'd never forgive you." He kissed me and said "Good. We're on the same page."

Wednesday, 13 May 2009


No tears.

By Tuesday morning I was beginning to feel a little pissed off with everyone. Sister hadn't left the bedroom since Friday. I had to keep Nephew busy to stop him from wondering why his mother was lying in bed staring into space and why his father wasn't with them.

I snapped by Tuesday afternoon.

"Get up. You need to take a shower and you need to start talking."

It took a lot of energy, but I finally persuaded her to get up. While she was in the shower her phone rang. It was Brother-in-law! I didn't answer, I have a policy of never answering other peoples phones, but I couldn't resist calling him back.

I could practically hear Solicitor's voice of reason as I dialed Brother-in-laws number. "Leave it Elise. It's none of your business." Of course I ignored it.

Brother-in-law answered straight away.

"I need to speak to my wife."

"Really? It's taken you this long? I guess you sort of forgot she was your wife, huh?"


"You don't like me do you?"

No kidding!

"Did she tell you everything?"

"She didn't have to. I saw the text. Who is she?"

"Nobody. A mistake." Brother-in-law sighed "I went a bit crazy when Sean showed up."

"Sean? You see your old friend and suddenly you feel like cheating?"

What a prick? That doesn't even make sense!

"She didn't tell you did she?"

"Tell me what?"

"That Sean showed up and demanded to see Nephew."

"Why would he do that?"

Honestly Brother-in-law must have some messed up friends. Imagine me running over to Bimbo's demanding to see Baby Girl.

Brother-in-law was quiet for a while.

"I need to speak to my wife." He said finally. "Please, I know you're angry with me, but you don't know the full story."

He sounded upset. Not upset in a guilty way. I expected him to cry down the phone and beg, but he didn't. He sounded, well tired. I almost felt sorry for him. Almost.

"I'll tell her you called."

"Thank you. Elise, can I speak to my son?" Brother-in-law's voice broke a little.

I'm not a bitch. Of course he could speak to Nephew. I stood in the doorway while Nephew told him about the last few days. He'd beaten me and Solicitor on Wii Bowling. Grandmama had shown him how to paint 'properly'.

We they'd hung up I put Alvin and the Chipmunks on for Nephew and went in search of my sister.

I waited in the spare room for her to emerge from the shower. Half and hour later she walked in, looking like a drowned animal. Her hair dripped water everywhere. Instead of getting ready she flopped down on the bed and rolled over to her side. She looked depressed. Like a walking zombie.

"What's the deal with Sean?" I asked suddenly.


"Your husband called."

I heard a choking sound. Oh my God, she was... yes. Tears! Sister was crying.

Not just crying. Sobbing. Quietly at first. But then it got louder.

I threw my arms around her. He hair was soaking through my top, but I didn't care. After five days, she was finally letting go. The heeling could begin. Or the pain. Either way I was there.

She cried for a long time. Nephew came up while she was sobbing. He looked so worried, my heart almost broke.

"Why is mummy crying?" He asked curiously.

"Do you mind doing me a favour, babe? Can you take my camera and take some pictures of the garden?"

It was the first thing that came into my head! I told him that I needed at least a hundred photos of the plants and insects for my work. He didn't believe me, but he went anyway. I hope he didn't break the camera.

Once Sister had calmed down I told her again to call Brother-in-law. As much as I was dying to know the situation with Sean, Sister needed to speak with Brother-in-law.

Sean's probably some psychopath. You come across people like that all the time. They leave for years and come back demanding to restore a friendship.

I had a friend called Karen that did that to me once. We were best friends at 16 and her family moved to Enfield. She came back for a visit a few months later and got a bit pissed off because I invited Vicky too. She went mad and told me to go and spend my life with Vicky since I don't care about her anymore.

I didn't really speak to her much after that. I heard through the grapevine that she shaved her hair and started seeing a girl called Jen. Vicky told me she always thought Karen was in love with me.

Maybe Sean's gay. He might have tried it on with Brother-in-law and Brother-in-law had to try and prove how straight he was by sleeping with another woman. Maybe Sean left him no choice! Oh my God! Maybe the text was meant for Sean. That's horrible!

Monday, 11 May 2009

No tears yet

No tears yet.

Solicitor called me at around 7pm on Friday. I was at Bimbo's planning our children's wedding (if one of us has a boy and the other has a girl they'll fall in love and get married).

"You have to come home. Now."

So I drove home. I was surprised to see a load of Tesco shopping bags piled up in the hallway. I looked at Solicitor questioningly and he shrugged. Nephew bounced out of the living room, as happy as punch, and threw himself into my arms.

"I'm staying here!" He squealed happily.

"She's upstairs in the spare room." Solicitor told me, referring to Sister. I dropped a quick kiss on Nephew's head and jogged upstairs.

Sister was lying in the fetus position. Staring. My heart dropped. Had something happened to Mother? Or Stepfather? Sister was in complete shock, I'd never seen her like this before.

I carefully sat on the bed, preparing myself for some awful news.

"I've left him." She quietly whispered.

Left Brother-in-law?? That's ridiculous. Sister and Brother-in-law were like apples and pears. Actually Sister is like an apple, she's practical, appealing, and healthy. Brother-in-law is a pear. The type of fruit you forget is in the fruit bowl. Not the crunchy type of pear, the soft weird tasting pear.

Brother-in-law is boring. I forget that he's even in the room sometimes. He's not exactly the heart of a party. But Sister loves him. They wear matching anoraks and they go on nature walks together. They plant herbs in the garden. Why on earth would she leave him? He's so.... reliable.

Sister didn't say anything for a long time after she told me she'd left him. She's not the type of person to gush out all of her feelings. She'd prefer to think first. So I decided to unpack her suitcase.

The spare room is normally my dress room. The closet is full of beautiful I've-only-worn-this-once dresses. I pushed my gorgeous gowns across the rail and began hanging up Sister's clothes. Her clothes look the same. Shapeless, colourless. I swear Sister thinks the only reason for clothes is to keep warm and protect modesty.

I've tried to help her but she just smiles and says "I can't be bothered with looking nice. It's not practical." True. That's what happens when you chose to live in the country. But you can get all sorts of wellington boots nowadays. I bought her a pair of red ones with white spots. She nearly had a heart attack. She thought they looked slutty!

So, I hung up her two pairs of blue BHS jeans and folded up her pastel T-shirts. Other than that she had a bunch of underwear which I'd stuffed into the top draw. I'd just started unpacking Nephew's clothes, when she spoke again.

"He's seeing someone else."

I dropped Nephew's Sponge-Bob pajamas. How the hell could Brother-in-law be seeing someone? I'm surprised someone even noticed him. Maybe Sister got it wrong. There's no way he has the guts to speak to another woman let alone cheat.

"I was loading the car in the Tesco car park when he text me a message that was meant for her."

That explains the Tesco bags. I climbed onto the bed and laced my hand through hers.

"I picked up Nephew and packed. I didn't know what else to do." She gripped my hand. "Can I stay here?"

I hugged her, expecting her to cry. She didn't. She stiffened her body and carried on staring.

"Do you want to see the message?" She pulled her phone out of her pocket.

Hey Sexy, I need to see you. I miss you. Same place tonight?xox

I felt anger rise in me. How could he do this to her? What a fucking loser. If I was in her position I would be plotting his murder, screaming at him, demanding to know every little detail.

But Sister's not like me. She'd rather bottle up all of her feelings. She didn't know anything about the other woman, only that she existed. I offered to track her down and 'take care of her', after all that's what family is for. Sister smiled. A small smile, but it was there. She shook her head and asked for some Nytol.

"Why didn't I see it happening?" She whispered as she dropped off. Tears stung my eyes. My big sister was hurting so much and I didn't know what to do to help her. I got into bed with her and held her until I was sure she was asleep.

I went downstairs and made some decaf tea. Solicitor and I spoke quietly in the kitchen. Although Nephew was asleep on the sofa, we couldn't take any chances of him hearing us.

Solicitor came home from work and found Sister sitting in her car staring. He managed to get her to come into the house and he unloaded the car. The frozen food had completely thawed out and needed to be thrown away. Apparently she stood in the living room doorway for a long time in complete shock. He's surprised she managed to drive down.

Neither of us can believe that Brother-in-law could do that to her. They seemed so happy. The worse thing was that he hadn't even bothered to call her. He didn't have the guts. The spineless piece of shit.

I cried. I'm not sure why exactly. Sister should be the one crying. But I couldn't bare the pain that she was going through.

It's now Monday. Solicitor and I decided that Sister should stay as long as she needs to. I called Nephew's school and told them that he'd be absent for the remainder of the week. We'll sort something out by then. Sister hasn't moved from the spare room since Friday. She hasn't cried yet.

Shitface hasn't even called yet. I'm inches away from grabbing my car keys and driving up to see him. Ask him what the fuck he thinks he's doing to his wife and child. Ask him why he hasn't called.

Thursday, 7 May 2009

Using Sex To Get Your Way

Sometimes a woman has to use sex to get her way. It seems to work for me on most occasions.

Last night I hadn't bothered cooking. I'd spent all day curled on the sofa reading a Sidney Sheldon book that I bought years ago but never had the time to read. It was only when I heard Solicitor's key in the front door that I stood up and thought "Crap!"

Before he opened the front door a made a quick run for the stairs. I didn't have time to choose and outfit so I simply stripped down to my thong and slipped into a pair of heels.

"Elise?" He called.

"I'm up here." I called back.

"What are we having for dinner? I'm starving."

"Come up." I call again.


"No I'll wait down here."

Crap. It's not going to work this time.

"Come up, I've missed you."


"You haven't cooked have you?"


"I was thinking we should work up an appetite first." I stepped down the stairs and grinned at him. "But if you're not in the mood, I'll go and cook."

Solicitor smiled.

"Yeah, I'm pretty hungry." He ran a gently hand down my cheek (I'm not telling you which one). "What are you planning on cooking?"

"Whatever you want."

He nodded. "I was kind of hoping for stake." He dropped a quick kiss on my forehead. "Thanks babe." And he casually walked up the stairs.

Okay. It wasn't working this time. I was hoping he'd say something on the lines of "Let's order in." or "Oh since you haven't started cooking, let's go out." But noooo. My darling partner can resist a naked woman in heels and a thong.

Let's see for how long.

I poured him a cold beer and placed it so very nicely on the kitchen counter, and slipped on my apron. I love my apron, it's cotton 50's style with printed strawberries. Hopefully Solicitor will like it too. After all, the colour and trimming is perfect for a naked woman....

Right. Dinner. I began peeling the potatoes. I completely engrossed myself in cooking. Once I get started I quite like it. I didn't even hear Solicitor enter the kitchen.

"Carling?" He said sipping the beer.

I jumped and gave a little yelp.

"You snuck up on me!" I cried.

Solicitor laughed. "No I didn't. You just remembered how much you like cooking for your man."

"Uh huh. And that's the only thing I'm going to be doing for my man tonight." I huffed.

I jumped again when he walked behind me and slid his hand up my back. His hand was cold from the beer glass and I gasped.

"Is that a fact?" He kissed my bare shoulder. I dropped my potato peeler and leaned back onto him.

Sigh. Sometimes I'm shocked that I ended up with him. That he chose to be with me. He's absolutely gorgeous. And sexy. And I love the way he bites my neck like that. Right at my pulse. And-

"Do you mind making an apple crumble for dessert?"


Hold on. What?

"Thanks babe."

No. No, that wasn't supposed to happen.

Solicitor leaned against the counter casually and sipped his beer.

"Chelsea, Barcelona tonight. Think you can be done by kick off?"

Hold on. The football? He's talking about football. There's absolutely no way I'm making an apple crumble for him. How dare he?

He absently trailed his fingers over my hips. I wonder if we have any cinnamon...? No Stop! Get a grip.

"Do you want to have sex?"

Oh my God! Why was I asking him? He was supposed to ask me! That was the plan.

"Sure. After the game." He sipped his beer and grinned. "And if the crumble's good enough of course."

Tuesday, 5 May 2009

My Own Stupidity

I had the house to myself on Saturday and enthusiastically used the time to spring clean the kitchen. I defrosted the fridge and the freezer, descaled the kettle, emptied and thoroughly cleaned every draw and cupboard.

Solicitor was at a football match with his brother and cousin. I'm not one to come between a man and his sport. I was more than happy to stay at home and sing at the top of my lungs while cleaning.

Hours later I filled all of the tea cups and coffee mugs with boiling water and lemon to bleach them and I went for a well deserved bath. I was seriously tired and planned to spend the remainder of the day watching Disney's Pixar set with a nice cup of hot chocolate. When I finally emerged from the bathroom I had a shock of my life.

There was somebody else in the house with me. I heard shuffling around downstairs. It couldn't be Solicitor. His mother would never have used her spare key. She has it for emergencies only.

"Hello?" I called.


I almost fell down the stairs when Aimee emerged from the kitchen with a big smile on her face.

"What are you doing?"

"I knocked, but you didn't answer." She explained shrugging.

"How did you get in?" I slowly descended the stairs.

"Key." She held up her keyring.

"We changed the locks."

"Yeah I know. You didn't change the back door ones though."

I felt a shiver run through my body. What the hell was she doing sneaking into the house through the back door?

"Wow I haven't been here in so long." She said looking around with interest. "You've changed a lot."

"Why are you here?" I tried again.

"You didn't answer my calls." She smiled. "I called so many times. You changed your landline. I guess both of you blocked me from your mobiles."

Yeah for a fucking good reason! I wanted to scream.

"You look awful." She frowned. "Are you ill?"

Just scared.

"Aimee, you can't just walk into this house."

"Yes I can. It belongs to my ex husband. He bought it before he met you."

Aimee has always been a messed up druggy. I've never known her to be bitchy. I was seriously taken back by her comment, and for once, I didn't know what to say. What she said hurt. It was my home. Aimee had never lived in it.

I gripped the banister and suppressed my urge to cry.

"You have to leave." I told her firmly.

She looked at me with bright hurt eyes. "I need your help." She said quietly. "I wouldn't have come otherwise. I need some money."

What? She owns a bloody place opposite Battersea Park for crying out loud! Her address says "Mansions" in it.

I told her, as politely as I could, to leave. She didn't. She insisted that she would wait for Solicitor. She strolled back into the living room as if she owned the house. She looked around with interest.

"Why have you got a pair of booties on the mantelpiece?" She asked.

I didn't answer.

"Oh I see."

She picked them up and traced the lace on the with her fingertips. I wanted to grab them from her. She had no right to touch them.

"Has he proposed yet?" She asked searching my hand with her eyes. "He proposed to me as soon as he found out I was pregnant."

My head spun wildly and I slowly sank into the sofa. She's just trying to make you feel jealous, I told myself.

"Funny. Has he even mentioned marriage?" She laughed. "I guess not. Wow you must feel like you're second best."

This isn't like her. She's normally a nice person. Why is she saying those things?

Suppressing tears is hard when you're pregnant. It take a lot of energy.

"Leave." I told her again. "Leave or I'll call the police."

She looked at me for a while. "I guess you need to be alone." She nodded sympathetically. "I'll come back later."

"Give me your key."

"No. It's my key. I thought you were a nice person Elise, I really did. We could have been really good friends. But friends don't cut each other off. Friends don't try and take people away from each other. Do you have any idea how many times I tried to call? He used to answer. He used to be there for me. When he stopped you acted like you cared. But you only did it so you could slowly pull away didn't you?"

I started crying. I did care about her. I went every time she called me and told me that she'd taken something and that she thought she was going to die. I cleaned up her puke. I flushed all of her drugs. How could she say I didn't care.

"You're so bloody selfish! Both of you."

Yes. We were selfish. We wanted a normal life. Where Aimee didn't exist.

I looked at the thin beautiful woman in front of me and realised that she felt betrayed. That she snuck into the house through desperation. That she was too desperate to leave us alone. And that even if she left now she would come back.

She did leave. After a long outburst and an accusing speech, she left me alone. I curled up on the sofa and cried myself to sleep.

Solicitor woke me up later. It was dark outside. I must have been asleep for a good six hours. He looked concerned. He told me that I felt hot and that I needed to wake up and drink some water.
The memory of Aimee came flooding back. I stayed where I was, too upset to move, and told him about her letting herself into the house. Solicitor was furious. He called a locksmith straight away and then called Aimee. He stalked about as he told her never to pull a stupid stunt like that again. I didn't quiet register the converstaion. It began to sound blurry after a while.

I felt a mild cramp in my stomach while he was on the phone followed by an intense dizzy spell. I sat incredibly still and prayed that it would go away. It didn't. I felt a sharp stab and screwed my hands into tight fists, feeling absolutely terrified.

"I don't feel good." I said when he finally hung up. Solicitor froze when he saw my face. He looked as scared as I felt. I stood up slowly. The last thing I remembered was feeling my legs crumple beneath me.

I was dehydrated and over stressed. I was lucky. I don't care how upset I am, in future I will make sure that I look after myself. I should have drunk some water. In fact I don't actually remember drinking anything besides a glass of orange juice that morning. I would never have forgiven myself if anything happened to the baby through my own stupidity.