Friday, 28 March 2008

Tiny Leather Skirt

Last night Bimbo and I went out for dinner.

We originally planned to go to Prezzo, just round the corner from Bimbo's place, but she called and changed her mind just as I was leaving. She wanted to meet me at a place called The Coriander, an Indian restaurant on a one-way system in East London. Miles away from where I live.

After half an hour of driving in circles looking for a parking space I finally arrived. Slightly irritated. Bimbo was sitting at a table in a corner sipping mango juice and speaking to the waiter. She began waving frantically when she spotted me.

"Isn't this place amazing?"

You'd think she was talking about the Taj Mahal.

I slowly took in the surroundings. The restaurant was pretty much empty. It was dark and dingy. Dark wooden tables, dark red velvet booths, dark green wallpaper. The mirror behind the bar was framed with a string of multicoloured fairy lights. Half the bar was taken up by an old fashioned television that was tuned into Zee Music. The Bollywood music pierced my ears.

I could not believe I'd driven for almost two hours for this cheap looking room! The food had better be amazing....

It was. I couldn't believed how well it was spiced. The flavours were terrific.

Bimbo beamed from across the table.

"I told you it would be worth it."

I found that after I'd tasted the food the surrounding didn't look as bad as I had originally thought. Bimbo and I found ourselves watching the music videos on the television.

It's amazing how Bollywood manage to create passionate scenes without the couple actually kissing. The actors over play the passion in their eyes. The camera focuses on a hand on the waist or a finger trailing down the back of the neck.

Half way through the meal Bimbo and I had decided that we would watch a Bollywood film together. All three and a half hours of it. The waiter gave us tips on what to watch.

"You like Sharukh?"

"Um... I guess..." Bimbo and I nodded in confusion.

"Of course! All the ladies like Sharukh."

The waiter began reciting a list of films. I couldn't register any of the titles. I forgot them as soon as he had said them.

Suddenly the cheesiest music video came on.

A sexy woman was standing in the middle of an empty basketball court. She was dressed in a tight leather skirt that barely covered her ass and a tiny leather top. Heavy rain fell on her. Droplets running down the naked parts of her body. Between the valley of her breasts.

A muscular man on a motorbike suddenly drove through the court. He was dressed in a leather vest and trousers. He stopped a few yards in front of her and whipped off his sunglasses. Why he was wearing sunglasses I'll never know. It was night.

They regarded each other with attitude. The sexy girl walked up to him. Swishing her ass in a suggestive way. She stopped in front of him. Posed with her hand on her hip.

"Are you like, checking me out?"

Bimbo and I looked back at the waiter.

"We want to see that one!"

The waiter smiled.

"Yes! Is a beautiful film. You like Ashwarya Rai?" He pointed at the sexy woman thrusting her hips in the rain.

I nodded.

"She Miss World. My wife, he look like her."

Bimbo and I smiled politely. I seriously doubted it. The waiter was short and extremely thin. He had a mop of black hair perfectly combed and parted down the side. He had huge teeth beneath a thick moustache.

"Everyone say I look like him." He pointed at the muscular man on the screen touching the sexy woman.

I struggled to keep a straight face. Bimbo looked at the screen and back at the waiter.

"Um yes. You have the same...nose?"

At the end of the evening Bimbo and I left the restaurant, giving the waiter a large tip in exchange for a list of recommended films. We're planning on having a girly night on Saturday. We'll order in Indian and watch the film with the leather...

I have a feeling we'll be dancing by the end of the night.

Tuesday, 25 March 2008

Thou Shall Not Lie!

Grandmama faked a near death experience on Sunday.

Traditionally we always have a family dinner on Easter Sunday at Grandmama's house. This year most people cancelled. My mother and stepfather called on Friday and told her that they'd have to skip dinner due to a broken boiler. My father called to apologise and that he had planned a trip to New York to see a friend. My sister said that she'd already promised my brother-in-law's family that she would spend Sunday with them.

Grandmama was heartbroken!

She called me on Saturday to make sure I was coming.

"It looks like it’s going to be just us." She said it brightly but I could tell that she was upset. I tried to be positive.

"That suits me just fine Grandmama. You'll be able to have a proper chat with (Solicitor). I'm looking for your approval!"

"Oh Elise, you sound so happy! You already have my blessing child."

Early the next morning Grandmama's neighbour Penny called me.

"Elise? Um... it’s your Grandmother... She's... taken a fall.... She's hit her head."

I panicked. I couldn't help it. I started shaking. Poor Grandmama! She's normally so careful. I woke Solicitor up and we got ready in record time. I dialled my mother's number as we left the house.

No answer.

I called my sister.

Answer machine. I left a brief message explaining what happened.

I finally called my father. I always feel nervous calling him. For some odd reason I avoid doing it.

He answered after the first ring. I froze at the shock of somebody actually answering their phone.


I took a deep breath.


"Yes. It's me."

"What's happened?"

I cried. I told him what had happened in broken sentences.

"Mum's not answering her phone and I don't know what to do! What if she's hurt badly?"

"Calm down. I'll cancel my flight and I'm coming. Don't cry. She'll be okay. I promise. I'll try calling your mother again."

As Solicitor and I parked up in Grandmama's driveway Penny emerged from the house looking sheepish. I got out of the car and started firing questions. She looked uncertainly at the house.

"I'm sorry! She made me call. I told her not to."

I stared at her. What the hell was she talking about?

My father pulled up in the driveway moments later. He sprung out of the car slamming the door behind him. He awkwardly kissed my cheek and shook Solicitor's hand.

"You mothers on her way."

Penny looked even more worried.

"She made me! Honestly. You know how she is."

She looked back at the house. It suddenly all made sense. I stormed in to the house leaving my father and Solicitor in the driveway with Penny. I found Grandmama in the kitchen humming to herself over the stove.


She looked up and smiled sweetly.

"Everyone will be here soon. Peel the potatoes Elise, we've got lots to do."

I was livid. I was so worried about her and here she was straining butter beans and happily rejoicing in her victory!

Moment later my father walked into the kitchen. Grandmama absently kissed him on the cheek.

"I cancelled my flight!"

"Oh that’s a shame. Must have been a misunderstanding. We may as well have a family day now."

My father ended up staying. It was too late to re-book a flight and Grandmama looked so upset at the prospect of him leaving that he couldn’t say no. My father has always had a soft spot for Grandmama. She always calls him "the son that she never had".

I called my mother and told her not to worry. I told her that they'd been a misunderstanding. I didn't want to tell her that Grandmama had set the whole thing up. She ended up coming anyway with my stepfather.

The six of us had a great time despite the early panic. Grandmama really put herself out with the food. My stepfather teased her and asked her what caterer she used.

Solicitor and my father seemed to get on like a house on fire. I felt slightly envious at the way they were so easy in each other's company. I always found it hard to speak to my father.

We left late in the evening. Grandmama hugged me at the door.

"I'm still angry with you Grandmama!"

"Elise my darling, there's nothing wrong in reminding people of what is important in life."

I laughed at her attempt to justify her scam.

"Grandmama the Bible clearly states 'Thou shalt not lie'!"

"No dear it's 'Thou shlt not bear false witness against thy neighbour'."

"It's the same thing Grandmama!"

Monday, 17 March 2008

Starting Up

The last post I wrote was in black humour. I have no real wish to kill myself. I love Solicitor too much to leave him for some other girl. I was having a bad day. We all have them.

When I got home on Friday Solicitor had already made dinner. The music was up loud and he was walking around with a beer in his hand, setting the table. God he looks so sexy in jeans! I kicked off my shoes and gave him a lingering kiss. I turned away and tried to walk slowly towards the kitchen in a sexy manner. I tripped over my heels on the way. Damn!

I poured myself a glass of wine and I winged about my awful day while Solicitor dished up the food. I was just getting to the part about the suicide conversation when he swooped down and kissed me. I think thats his way of getting me to shut up. It works quite well most of the time.

"Look, if your that miserable just leave."

"You're right...."

It's true I should just leave. The bad side is over weighing the good side....

"Or you could start up your own."

I sat down on the stool. Yes. I'll start up my own company!

Over dinner we discussed the possibilities of me doing it. There are lots of companies out there that do what we do. How could I make mine different? The more we talked about it the more I wanted it.

There are two major drawbacks with me starting up my own business:

1) Financial Back-up. I don't have the money to start up alone. I'll need a registered office for starters. How could I possibly afford it?

I don't really want to go for a bank loan. The interest would be ridiculous. Especially now. Interest rates have shot up like mad over the last few months.

2) Staff. I'll need help with the work load. Ther's no way I could do everything myself. If I hire staff I'll need to pay them. Nobody works for free.

I will find a solution to both. I need to do some thinking and I need to do some research!

Friday, 14 March 2008

The Benefits of Suicide

I'm thinking of writing a book:

"The Benefits of Suicide"

Working today is like a slow painful death. I wish I topped myself off before hand so I wouldn't have to go through this hell.

Gay Boss and I spent our 5 minute lunch break planning to do it together. He opted to hang himself. I'll just throw myself out of the window.

Wednesday, 12 March 2008

Managed out

There are two main rival companies.

Rival No. 1 offered to interview me after seeing my CV posted on monster. We have a strange relationship with Rival No. 1. Gay Boss originally worked for them years ago until he was offered a job here. My predecessor switched companies and now works for them. It happens every so often. Their company values are similar to ours and although we are rivals we work well side by side.

According to the credit card transaction report CEO was having a secret meeting with Rival No. 2. The cafe listed on the report is based within their offices, I recognised the name straight away. Rival No. 2 are bullies. They prioritise their own needs above those of their clients. We have had many clients that previously had dealings with them and we have heard shocking stories of court cases and scandals.

Yesterday I told Gay Boss what I know.

I was worried about CEO's meeting. It may have been nothing but there may be a possibility that CEO wants to sell up or merge with Rival No. 2.

"I know."

"You know?! What do you mean?"

"I tracked his credit card transactions too."

Oh my God! We are definitely on some kind of a wavelength.

Gay Boss isn't sure of what is going on. He doesn't think CEO himself knows what he wants to do. He was too pissed off about other things to go into too much detail on theories. He dropped a thick stack on papers on my desk. They were all emails sent to him in the last week.

"Look at the amount of crap he wants me to do. He's doing this on purpose. Any other person doing this job would have walked by now."

I flicked through them. It was complete madness! Every email had a new task or a new request on it.

Can you please send me a full report on InBev from 1990 - 1997. I need this by the end of the week.

He wants data from the archive?! That's going to take hours to find let alone write a report on.

I need the figures for all of our clients dating back to when they signed up. I want quarterly figures together with graphs showing the increase and decrease. I also want a full report on each quarter.

The emails went on and on. Each request was a few days work.

CEO is still adamant on the dvd idea. He wants to create a box set of six. Each disk needs to tell a little more about our company. A "collect all six" series. What a complete fool!

He must have a mental problem. Why else would he do this?

Gay Boss was in a bad way yesterday. The day before he had a surprise visit from Wanker. Wanker is CEO's nephew. The company is his inheritance, despite the fact that Wanker has never worked a day in his life.

Wanker arrived and summoned a meeting with Gay Boss in the boardroom. He pleasantly sparked up conversation about the weather. Gay Boss is not one to waste time.

"Let's skip the pleasantries. CEO sent you. Why?"

Wanker never knows how to speak to Gay Boss. I think he's a little afraid of his bluntness. Gay Boss ate him alive.

"You're here to check things out. I know, because you'd never step foot in this place unless CEO specifically told you to. Check everything. I'm an open book. Go ahead."

Wanker opened a notebook and began his series of complaints. Gay Boss threw every statement back.

"You don't put in enough hours."

"No? I respond to emails from CEO at 1am on a Friday night. I respond to phone calls. I'm the first one in this building every morning and the last one out. I have records of everything. The times that I swiped in and the times that I swiped out. My phone calls are all recorded, as are my emails."

Wanker was surprised by the response. I don't know why. If you're going to throw accusations at someone they will fight back.

"You know there's a law against too many hours don't you? If I were to add everything up how do you think the figure would look?"

Next Statement.

"You have had extra long holidays. This has got to stop."

"I have the same amount of days off as my employees. I work the whole year with no break and I take them all at once. There’s no law against it. It's my holiday and as long as it doesn't affect my work I will take them as and when I choose."

Next Statement.

"You've hired incapable staff. It's your job to dismiss them if they're not performing."

"Who would you be referring to?"

Wanker had no idea. He flicked through his notebook looking for the answer knowing fully that he had none.

"I tell you what. Why don't you go and do some homework. Go and do a full report on each employee that I have hired. Make sure you include everything they've done to keep this company afloat. If you find any fault with them let me know."

Wanker didn't know what to say. He laughed off the whole matter and offered to buy Gay Boss lunch. Gay Boss refused.

"I don't have time for lunch. Apparently I'm not putting in the hours and I'm taking too much holiday. I should really use the time to manage my incompetent staff."

I think CEO is trying to get rid of me. Gay Boss thinks he's trying to get rid of him.

We did something we don't usually do. Gay Boss and I sipped neat Jack Daniels while we discussed the possibilities. I've never had a drink at work before, but yesterday I think we both needed it. I told him about my interview call from Rival no. 1. He looked at me sadly.

"Elise go for the interview. If you get it, I think you should take the job."

I felt like crying. I love this company. I've mad good friends like Bimbo and Stoner. I've got a great relationship with my boss. How many other people can say that they've investigated people with their boss? Or had a glass of neat whiskey with their boss? He has a shocking amount of trust for me. I don't want to loose that.

Monday, 10 March 2008

Giving Up

Friday evening started off glum.

I left work early to see the lawyer covering the Bradley case. I wasn't really in the mood to spend time with a twitchy power-mad woman but I went along with it. I'm tired of the case. I'm tired of her asking me the same questions over and over again. She has my written statement and I've relayed the details verbally at least a hundred times. What the hell is wrong with her?

After an hour of so of listening to her drone on about how important it is to be specific about everything I was ready to kill myself. I was pissed off.

Solicitor and I drove home in silence. We entered the house in silence. I made tea and we sat staring into space in silence.

"You're giving up."

I never thought about it like that before but once Solicitor said the words I knew they were true. I am giving up. I don't see the point anymore. Bradley is probably scared shitless at the sudden legal involvement and I doubt he'd ever try anything like that again with anyone. I'm exhausted with the constant intimate questions. It's a book I'd rather close and throw away.

"I'm tired. I'm so bloody tired. I have enough drama's to deal with on an everyday basis I'd rather not do this."

I didn't expect the lump to appear in my throat but it did. Angry tears ran down my cheeks. I got up and walked to the bedroom and shut the door.

Its not as simple as people think. Had I been mugged people would have been more sympathetic. For the entire duration of the case, since I first told the police about it, everybody, even my own lawyer has treated me with suspicion. For some reason rape victims are lying until proven otherwise. At least that’s how I felt. The fact that it was only "attempted" makes it so much harder, even with solid evidence.

Solicitor knocked on the door before walking into the bedroom. He sat down next to me on the bed and gently held my hand.

"You don't have to do this. Whatever you decide, I'm with you."

I love the way he kisses my fingers. He kisses them near the tip taking each finger individually. Sometimes it really turns me on. It sends a shiver up my arm and through my body. Sometimes, like it did at that moment, it just makes me feel warm inside.

"So what are the other drama's then?" He smiled.

I flopped down on the bed. A moment later he did the same.

"Well, where do I start? CEO is having secret meetings at this cafe. The only reason I know is because I tracked his credit card transactions. I have a sneaky suspicion that..."

We lay there on the bed for hours while I talked about the drama at work. Solicitor is always shocked by everything I have to say about work. Although he lectures me about getting too involved I can tell he loves it.

Friday, 7 March 2008

The Credit Card

The shit is about to hit the fan. I'm not hanging around to see it!

The once family company that I work for is gradually going down.

People don't trust each other anymore. Its like living in a video game. You never know who's lurking behind the corner ready to shoot!
Okay maybe its not that dramatic. but something is definitely wrong. For the last few weeks CEO has been acting strange. Endless emails to myself and Gay Boss asking for strange information.

On Monday, despite my efforts not to get involved, I had to do a bit of detective work.

4eyes from Accounts has been avoiding me for months, ever since he burst into tears outside the disabled toilets. It was so sad! I had to drag him inside and listen to his life story.

Anyway, on Monday I decided to pay him a visit. I needed him to track CEO's credit card transactions for the last few weeks. I know it sounds odd but I thought that would be a great place to start. The detectives on TV always track the credit card transactions. Convincing 4eyes that I needed the information for business reasons was slightly more time consuming.

I had to ask him for all the company credit card transactions over the last two months. I told him that there was a slight problem with our budget and I needed to see where the expenses were going.

"But that's not your job. That's what (Gay Boss) does."

"Yes I know (4eyes), but it affects my budget more than anybody else's."

He knows that its not true. He's the accountant for crying out loud!

"Look, (4eyes), I'm just worried about the over spending. If the two of us can sort it out before (Gay Boss) freaks out about something then we're just keeping the peace aren't we?"

I smiled at him. I tried to make it look like we were in it together. Helping the company move on and dealing with obstacles head on before they become problems. For extra effect I squeezed his hand. Oh God. Did I go too far? He looked at me in complete surprise.

"I guess so."

He agreed?! Yes!

I made him promise not to tell anyone while we flicked through the data. I told him that we'll analyse it and then approach individuals in each department and give them a friendly warning about over spending. For their own good of course. It'll all be very low key. We're doing them all a huge favour.

CEO was in England! He made a credit card transaction in London on the Friday at a London restaurant. When he emailed me he told me he was in Antigua. Somethings not right.

Another transaction Monday morning. Why does that cafe sound so familiar? I know it. Where from? It hit me. Shit!

That's all I needed to know.

"You know something 4eyes? Maybe this isn't such a good idea. I mean you could get in serious trouble for it. I'm really sorry."

4eyes looked at me relieved.

"You know, I was thinking the same thing."

I headed back to my office. My thoughts were racing. I had to sit down and think about it properly. Maybe I should call Stoner. I need to tell him what I think I know. He'll know where to go from here.

I got a call while I was hurrying down the corridor. An interview for another job! I'd only just put my CV up on Monster. That was quick! One of our rival companies. The woman on the line was incredibly enthusiastic and friendly. Could I come in for an interview? Hell yes!