Monday, 28 April 2008

"No more sarcastic swearing" (2)

Gay Boss left last Thursday.

After two hours in the boardroom with CEO he knocked on my office door to say goodbye. He held out his hand in a professional manner and told me that he'd come to wish me luck. My eyes welled up. I ignored his outstretched hand and I gave him a hug.

"Keep in touch."

"I will."

Then he was gone.

I sat alone in my office for a while thinking about the past few months. I finally stood up and walked into the boardroom. CEO was sitting at the head of the table sorting through sheets of paper.

"Elise! Hello, how are you?"

He gestured to a chair. I numbly sat down.

"Well, I guess you've heard." He smiled in a friendly manner. "They'll be some good changes around here. You'll meet the new guy tomorrow. He's a very nice man. Over fifteen years experience you know."

His voice tuned out. I sat in silence. Unable to say a word.

After a while CEO got up to leave. I stayed seated. As he walked to the door he looked over his shoulder.

"You will be nice to him won't you?"

Of course I'll be nice to him! What the hell does he think I'm like? It's not the new guy's fault is it?

I nodded. He shut the door.

I sat in the empty boardroom for a while. For the first time since working there I felt alone. Stoner finally knocked on the door and let himself in. We sat in silence holding hands.

"You know, nothing is going to be the same."

"No more late mornings."

"No more long lunches."

"No more sarcastic swearing."

"No more secret office meetings."

"No more undercover spying."

It was the end of an era.

Bimbo called my mobile phone not long afterwards. I couldn't work out what she was saying, she was sobbing so loudly. I told her to meet us in the boardroom. A few minutes later she burst through the door. He face was swollen and red from crying so much. He hair was in a complete mess. She looked so ridiculous, I couldn't help but laugh.

We all spent the day in the boardroom swapping stories. Slowly more people joined us. By the end of the day all of the employees were sitting on and around the table laughing and joking about Gay Boss.

He will be missed by us all.

Thursday, 24 April 2008

The Past Week (1)

It has been a while since I last posted and since I last read other blogs. A lot has happened since dinner with CEO.

Last Friday Solicitor and I joined CEO and his wife for dinner. The first hour was incredibly boring. We sat and listened to CEO and his wife describe the nightmare they had with choosing a suitable colour to paint the veranda. CEO thought a pale blue would work very well with the scenery. His wife wanted to paint it yellow to match the colour of their yacht. CEO pointed out that nobody could see the yacht from the house and she explained that people would see the yellow and realise that the boat and the house were owned by the same people.

Nightmare? No, dear that's not a nightmare. Not comparing to what 99.9% of the world have to deal with in life.

Halfway through the main course CEO began talking about the company. He told me that they were hiring a new member of staff. He'll come in for a proper introduction next Friday. He was wondering if I could show him around. Help him settle in.

"Oh. You've decided to replace (Old Prick) have you?" I asked innocently. Old Prick was a guy that used to share an office with me. We both did the same job, we looked after clients and generated new business. He wasn't performing well so he was "invited to leave" about six months ago. I inherited all of his existing clients and got a pay increase.

CEO looked slightly uncomfortable at my question.

"Yes, I suppose he will be."

There was a long silence as we ate. Solicitor gripped my hand under the table. He could sense my anger quietly rising. CEO has found a replacement for Gay Boss. I know he has!

"I heard through the grapevine that your nephew would be joining the company." I made an effort to change the subject. I also wanted to find out what happened to the idea of Wanker becoming Managing Director. CEO's wife untactfully answered.

"Oh no! He's going to write a novel, isn't he?" She glanced at CEO excitedly "Something about magic truffles or philosophers truffles... Anyway, its an adventure story about a man who sees things that other people can't. Like objects have a hidden life or something. It's really interesting! Imagine having an imagination like that!"

Yes. I imagine someone taking magic mushrooms could come up with something very similar.

I held back. I felt a rise of hysterical laughter rise up my throat. I did my best to smile politely. I gently kicked Solicitor under the table. He snorted and quickly took a sip of wine to cover up.

It was too difficult. I stood up and excused myself. By the time I got to the ladies I was in a fit of giggles. CEO's wife was such an airhead. I knew she'd say something funny. While I was getting ready I told Solicitor that she'd say something completely random. I didn't expect what she said though.

By the time I returned to the table CEO and Solicitor were talking very seriously.

"... I just feel that we need to approach things with a completely different angle." CEO explained. Solicitor didn't look very happy at all. CEO's wife nervously played with her napkin and avoided eye contact with everyone.

"What's going on?"

I suddenly had an image of CEO firing me in the middle of a crowded restaurant. Oh my God! What if the new guy was replacing me not Gay Boss. Oh, lets see him try and do that. I'll tell him a thing or two. Tell him where to shove his stupid pathetic....

"(CEO) has made a decision not to continue business with (Solicitor's Law Firm )." Solicitor told me matter of factly.

"Oh my God! Why?" It was a complete shock. Solicitor's Law Firm have always looked after the company. What the hell was CEO playing at.

"It's nothing personal of course. Well, now that we've got that out of the way, what shall we order for dessert?"

That night Solicitor and I went home fuming with anger. We marched around the house. I slammed my purse on the kitchen counter and flung my coat onto the sofa. Solicitor ranted and swore.

I could not believe CEO would do something so ridiculous. I regretted asking Solicitor to join us for dinner. I had no idea that his law firm would suffer. How could this happen?

I called Gay Boss and told him about the evening. I told him about the new guy and I told him about CEO's decision to stop working with Solicitor.

"What the fuck are you talking about? Why would he do something so stupid!" Gay Boss was in complete shock about the law firm. "Elise, I'm going next week. I hoped that he'd consider you for my job, I really did. We'll talk more on Monday."

He hung up.

Wednesday, 16 April 2008

I miss you

I spoke to an old friend last night. We met years ago when I was travelling abroad. He accidently spilt his drink all over my top. He apologised and bought me a few shots of tequilla. We knocked them back and started talking. About everything and anything. And we've been in contact since.

"Elise, I'm coming to London."

"Oh my God! When?"

"In a few weeks."

"We have to meet up!"

"I can't."

"Not even for coffee?"

"Babe... I can't. I wish I could but.... I just can't"


"Why not?"

"You know why."

"I don't. Tell me why."

"Elise, you know why. Don't make me say it."


"Is Tina coming?"



"Did she like the ring?"

"Yes. She loved it."

"I'm happy for you."

"I know you are."


"So you've moved in with your new man huh? Cat and all?"

"Yeah. You should come and meet him."

"You love him?"



"And you love Tina."

"Yes. I do. Very much."





"Tell me."

"You tell me first."

"What am I supposed to tell you?"

"What you know you know."


"Then I won't tell you."


"So, you're definitely not going to call me and meet up with me?"


"Another time and another place...."

"Another lifetime..."


"I miss you."

"Me too."


Tuesday, 15 April 2008

An Eventful Night

Sruffy Artist is working with the opposition!

Stoner has been slightly suspicious of his behaviour over the last few days. Apparently Scruffy Artist is in contact with CEO. He leaves the room to take "private" phone calls.

Stoner and Scruffy Artist are our Creative Team. They get to work at around 11am every morning and they leave when they're work is done. According to Stoner, Scruffy Artist has been arriving early to send off emails. Stoner specifically came in at 8am yesterday to see what time Scruffy Artist arrived. He was already there, sitting at his desk sending off emails.

Gay Boss is aware of this. He noticed Scruffy Artist's behaviour a week ago.

Stoner hacked into Scruffy Artist's email last night. Of course this is illegal. But if he were to print out the last communication between Scruffy Artist and show it to me it would read:


I'd like to thank you for encouraging (Wanker) to come and speak to us about the business plans for the future. I now fully understand the new plan.

I have been gathering the information that you require. I shall email it over to you by close of business on Friday.

Kind Regards,

(Scruffy Artist)

What information?? Scruffy Artist is taking the piss! What business plan? Wanker had no idea what he was talking about.

Stoner thinks the sole purpose of Wanker being here was to find an Allie for CEO. Ideally I would be the best candidate. I'm close to Gay Boss and I have a deep understanding on how the business is run. Unfortunately Wanker could not get a word in edge ways.

Scruffy Artist is very easily led. Wanker probably drew him in with promotional offers.

I suddenly feel like the company politics have turned into a full blown war. It won't be long before I'll lose it and leave. I doubt there are many people in this world that would put up with this kind of crap.

I need patience. I'm still in the process of setting up my own business. I just need to deal with this for a couple of months. Then I can kiss this fucking place goodbye. (Excuse my French).

After talking it over with Stoner I decided to accept CEO's offer of dinner on Friday. Stoner thinks I should try to keep the peaceful front that CEO has managed to perfect. Meanwhile I should use this opportunity to figure out his game plan.

Actually I should use this opportunity to have some fun....

I called him just before I left work yesterday.

"Elise! How are you my dear?"

"I'm very well thank you. Just a quick call regarding dinner on Friday."

"Oh of course. Have you made up your mind? I would love you to accept."

"Yes. Yes I'd love to come. I'd like to bring my partner if that's okay?"

"Your partner?"

"Yes. You've probably heard of him. He's taken over from Paddy as the company lawyer?"


"Oh. So you're dating him are you?"

"Yes. Is it okay to bring him? It'll make us an even group."

"Of course you may bring him. I look forward to properly meeting with him."

And I look forward to an eventful night...

Friday, 11 April 2008

Boardroom Chat..

Wanker and I had a chat yesterday.

He arranged to come in a speak to Gay Boss again. Yesterday morning Gay Boss strolled in to my office.

"Looks like today might be my last day." He laughed about it.

"You're not going anywhere."

We waited for Wanker to show up. We drank two cups of tea. Ate a few bars of chocolate. Checked our emails. And waited.

Wanker arrived an hour and a half late. Typical spoilt idiot! Gay Boss left me and met him in the boardroom. I restlessly paced my office for a few minutes before deciding to go and see Bimbo.

I found her sitting at her desk drinking hot chocolate and flicking through the latest issue of Cosmo. She looked so relaxed and content. Damn, I was jealous! I plonked myself down in a nearby chair.

"Oh check out this girls make-up." She swung the magazine around and pointed. "You got time for an experiment?"

She whipped out her make-up bag and began brushing down my face with powder. I love the way Bimbo pampers me. It so soothing. Its nice to switch off and enjoy it. Half an hour later I looked at the new look in the mirror. She is amazing! I felt like a star. She has a knack for completely changing a person's look without over doing the make-up.

"Lets do another one!" she excited flicked through the magazine looking for a new face.

My BlackBerry began vibrating. A text from Gay Boss.

Where are you? Wanker wants to see you in the boardroom. He's lying and he's a bad liar. Careful what you say.

Just when I had started to relax! I sighed looking at the magazine in regret. I slowly got up and walked to the boardroom.

Wanker was overly pleased to see me. He shook my hand and smiled warmly.

"Its great to finally have a chat with you. We haven't really had the chance to get to know each other."

I smiled sweetly.

"I know. What is it that you actually do?" I asked innocently.

Wanker coughed and spluttered something about business strategy.

"...and that's why I'm here. To sort out the problem with the business structure here."

"Really? What's the problem and how are you going to sort it out?"

Wanker pulled out a notepad. He began drawing boxes. He looked up at me.

"I don't know how academic you are and whether you'd be able to understand this."

Excuse me? This is coming from an unemployed twat!

He labelled the two boxes.

"This is the Share Holder and this is the Management. There seems to be friction between the Share Holder and the Management.

"Look, if CEO has a problem with (Gay Boss) he should do the honorable thing and speak to him."

I don't think Wanker expected me to be so upfront. I pulled the pad away from him and picked up a pen.

"Now let me draw our existing structure." I drew a complicated diagram with each department and the links between them all. I looked up at him"I don't know if you'll be able to understand this. Its rather complicated. Now this is the structure that we have. How would you improve on it?" I pushed the pad back in front of him.

He looked at it in surprise. He shuffled around and cleared his throat.

"Actually its not that side of the business that I wanted to talk about."


"I wanted to talk about your role. You don't seem happy."

"I do my job. I enjoy what I do. You don't know me so you can't tell me whether I'm happy or not. What do you want to talk about?"

Again Wanker shuffled through some sheets of paper.

"CEO is very happy with you. He speaks very highly of you."


"Yes. Things are running very smoothly here."

"Wait a minute. You said you were here to talk about changes of business structure. If things are running smoothly then there's nothing to discuss is there?"

"There is. You're role and what you feel about the current structure."

"I deal with clients. Business structure should really be discussed with the managing director don't you agree?"

"Look my uncle wants to consider offering you a role as managing director." He smiled "This was a test to see how much you know. You clearly know what you're talking about."

"I have people to speak to and people to see. Quite frankly CEO has never discussed my role with me before. I'd rather speak directly to him in regards to that. We already have a managing director and I have not been told anything different. Is there anything you want to tell me?" Wanker stayed quiet. He didn't know what to say.

I picked up my phone and shook his hand

"It was nice meeting you."


I left him sitting in the boardroom and quickly made my way to Gay Boss's office.

Gay boss was sat at his desk quietly sipping tea. He looked pissed off. I told him about my conversation with Wanker and he told me about his. Wanker's visit was completely useless. He had no indication of what he wanted to achieve by speaking to us. He was confused and most of the time he hadn't a clue about what he was talking about.

CEO sent him. Wanker has obviously screwed up what ever plan they had. He'll be back...

Tuesday, 8 April 2008


Gay Boss walked out yesterday.

He recieved 22 emails from CEO. After printing them out he walked into my office so that we could read them together. Halfway through reading the second one he stood up and put on his coat.

"Fuck this... I'm going home."

I've never seen him look upset before. He's dry, sarcastic and extremely thick skinned. To see him upset was like a kick in the face. I watched him leave. Too stunned to say anything.

I picked up the printed emails after he left and read through them.

CEO is a rude, manipulative, idiot!

I called Stoner as soon as I had finished reading and asked him to come up. I must have sounded anxious because he made it up to my office in 2 minutes.

I told him that Gay Boss had walked out. He was shocked. I then showed him the emails. He read them over and over. He couldn't believe what he was reading.

"Oh my God! The guy's completely lost it!" he looked up at me "You better tell me everything."

I did. I started from the mistake in the client contract, the phonecall from CEO warning me not to tell anybody about the mistake, the endless emails from CEO to Gay Boss, Wanker coming in and trying to speak to Gay Boss, and finally my invitation to have dinner with CEO and his airhead wife.

Stoner mouth hung open as I went through the details.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

He paced around the room.

"I knew there was something wrong. Remember the dental plan? I knew it! He was acting so strange and stressed!"

He opened the window and pulled out a packet of cigarettes. He offered me one and we sparked up. It's illegal to smoke in a work environment now. Who cares?

We went through all of Gay Boss's emails and began piecing up all the information.

This is what we've come up with:

CEO is managing out Gay Boss. He's trying bloody hard to do so. He's rude, inconsiderate and any other person in Gay Boss's position would have walked months ago.

He knew Gay Boss would be away during the weeks that the contracts were sent and that the error would slip through the cracks. He altered the contracts himself and was going to use them as an excuse to sack Gay Boss. Unfortunately for him, I caught the error. When he found out about it he specificaly told me not to tell anybody.

Wanker needs to get involved with the business if he is going to take over one day. Since he's the type of person that would refuse to work for anyone the ideal position for him is Managing Director.

I'm aware that this is all just a theory, but it makes perfect sense. Whatever CEO is playing at, whether it ties in with the theory or not, he's doing something very unethical.

Stoner and I spent the whole day trying to make sense of everything. This isn't right. Most people go to work, do their job, and go home. Gay Boss and I have dealt with politics in this company for a long time. Stoner is now involved.

I know it wasn't fair for me to involve Stoner. Before I told him everything I asked him if he's sure he wants to know. He's very much like I am. We like to dig through the surface, no matter how risky it is.

Gay Boss hasn't come in today. He called and said he'd be back tomorrow.

We have to tread carefully.

Thursday, 3 April 2008

Dinner with CEO

Wanker has disappeared.

A few weeks ago CEO's nephew, Wanker, came in to speak to Gay Boss. His plan was to interrigate Gay Boss and throw a list of compaints at him. I thought Gay Boss handled it well. He defended himself against every poiont mentioned and managed to turn the conversation around in such a way that Wanker was left in the interrigation seat.

It has been weeks since he has contact us. CEO has sent Gay Boss emails urging him to contact Wanker to discuss new business strategy. Gay Boss replied by saying he had=s no way of contacting him.

My guess is that Wanker has disappeared and his Uncle can't find him. He's probably lying on some beach somewhere catching sun rays. A long holiday after a stressful hour with Gay Boss.

CEO called me yesterday. He was extrememly nice on the phone. I'm always skeptical of people that are nice to me without reason, especially with CEO. He sends Gay Boss rude, agressive emails and then he has the nerve to be nice to me!

"Hello Elise! How are you?"

"I'm fine.... How are you?"

"Very well at the moment. The whether is fantastic here. I'm sitting on the verranda looking at the blue sea. It's beautiful!"

How nice for you, you prick! While we're in turmoil because of you, you're habving the time of your life!

"Thats nice...."

"My wife and I would like to invite you to have dinner with us. We're in London on the 18 April."


"I'll have to consult my diary and get back to you on that."

"Well I'll be disappointed if you can't make it. I like spending time with you and my wife would love to get to know you better."

Would she now? Now why on earth would your young airheaded wife want to get to know your employee better?

"I'll get back to you soon."

"Fantastic!... Now while I'm on the phone with you, I've been meaning to ask you something."


"Has my nephew been in touch at all?"

"No he hasn't."

"Oh... I see..."

"Can I help at all? Has he not been in contact with you since he came to see us?"

"Oh no... No, its fine... Nothing to worry about."

I was slightly amused by his efforts to be nice. I wonder what he wants.

I spoke to Gay Boss about it later that day. He laughed. He thinks that CEO is being nice because, aside from Gay Boss, I'm the only person who understands the business and how it is run. As soon as I started working I was curious about everything. I made sure that I knew everything Gay Boss knew. I think that's why Gay Boss and I get on so well. We have the same urge for knowledge and understanding.

"Want to be Managing Director?" Gay Boss asked.

I screwed up my face. Hell no! There's no way I'm going to work direstly for a sexist, slightly insane CEO....

Managing Director does sound good though doesn't it?

No! I'm starting up my own company. I don't want to work for him.

Gay Boss honestly thinks that that's what CEO wants to speak to me about it. I have my doubts. CEO has never given me any credit for anything without patronising me.

I don't know whether to accept his invitation to dinner. His wife is so annoying. CEO and I have never spoken for more than 15 minutes. Speaking to him drives me crazy!

I'm curious though....