Friday, 11 April 2008

Boardroom Chat..

Wanker and I had a chat yesterday.

He arranged to come in a speak to Gay Boss again. Yesterday morning Gay Boss strolled in to my office.

"Looks like today might be my last day." He laughed about it.

"You're not going anywhere."

We waited for Wanker to show up. We drank two cups of tea. Ate a few bars of chocolate. Checked our emails. And waited.

Wanker arrived an hour and a half late. Typical spoilt idiot! Gay Boss left me and met him in the boardroom. I restlessly paced my office for a few minutes before deciding to go and see Bimbo.

I found her sitting at her desk drinking hot chocolate and flicking through the latest issue of Cosmo. She looked so relaxed and content. Damn, I was jealous! I plonked myself down in a nearby chair.

"Oh check out this girls make-up." She swung the magazine around and pointed. "You got time for an experiment?"

She whipped out her make-up bag and began brushing down my face with powder. I love the way Bimbo pampers me. It so soothing. Its nice to switch off and enjoy it. Half an hour later I looked at the new look in the mirror. She is amazing! I felt like a star. She has a knack for completely changing a person's look without over doing the make-up.

"Lets do another one!" she excited flicked through the magazine looking for a new face.

My BlackBerry began vibrating. A text from Gay Boss.

Where are you? Wanker wants to see you in the boardroom. He's lying and he's a bad liar. Careful what you say.

Just when I had started to relax! I sighed looking at the magazine in regret. I slowly got up and walked to the boardroom.

Wanker was overly pleased to see me. He shook my hand and smiled warmly.

"Its great to finally have a chat with you. We haven't really had the chance to get to know each other."

I smiled sweetly.

"I know. What is it that you actually do?" I asked innocently.

Wanker coughed and spluttered something about business strategy.

"...and that's why I'm here. To sort out the problem with the business structure here."

"Really? What's the problem and how are you going to sort it out?"

Wanker pulled out a notepad. He began drawing boxes. He looked up at me.

"I don't know how academic you are and whether you'd be able to understand this."

Excuse me? This is coming from an unemployed twat!

He labelled the two boxes.

"This is the Share Holder and this is the Management. There seems to be friction between the Share Holder and the Management.

"Look, if CEO has a problem with (Gay Boss) he should do the honorable thing and speak to him."

I don't think Wanker expected me to be so upfront. I pulled the pad away from him and picked up a pen.

"Now let me draw our existing structure." I drew a complicated diagram with each department and the links between them all. I looked up at him"I don't know if you'll be able to understand this. Its rather complicated. Now this is the structure that we have. How would you improve on it?" I pushed the pad back in front of him.

He looked at it in surprise. He shuffled around and cleared his throat.

"Actually its not that side of the business that I wanted to talk about."


"I wanted to talk about your role. You don't seem happy."

"I do my job. I enjoy what I do. You don't know me so you can't tell me whether I'm happy or not. What do you want to talk about?"

Again Wanker shuffled through some sheets of paper.

"CEO is very happy with you. He speaks very highly of you."


"Yes. Things are running very smoothly here."

"Wait a minute. You said you were here to talk about changes of business structure. If things are running smoothly then there's nothing to discuss is there?"

"There is. You're role and what you feel about the current structure."

"I deal with clients. Business structure should really be discussed with the managing director don't you agree?"

"Look my uncle wants to consider offering you a role as managing director." He smiled "This was a test to see how much you know. You clearly know what you're talking about."

"I have people to speak to and people to see. Quite frankly CEO has never discussed my role with me before. I'd rather speak directly to him in regards to that. We already have a managing director and I have not been told anything different. Is there anything you want to tell me?" Wanker stayed quiet. He didn't know what to say.

I picked up my phone and shook his hand

"It was nice meeting you."


I left him sitting in the boardroom and quickly made my way to Gay Boss's office.

Gay boss was sat at his desk quietly sipping tea. He looked pissed off. I told him about my conversation with Wanker and he told me about his. Wanker's visit was completely useless. He had no indication of what he wanted to achieve by speaking to us. He was confused and most of the time he hadn't a clue about what he was talking about.

CEO sent him. Wanker has obviously screwed up what ever plan they had. He'll be back...


Polgara said...

Go Girl!
Sounds like you had him completley flummoxed!
Pol :0)

Glugster said...


bRaT said...

... like a virus... business politics... i never know about these things.. but you clearly know what you're talking about :)

i sure hope simple geeky programmers aren't exposed to these... things...

Poetikat said...

I wish I'd been there. I'm pretty quick with the retorts when I want to be. Hey, if you run the company... I've always wanted to live in England! (Do they still have that silly animal quarantine thing?)


Elise, for Heaven's sake, check your e-mail, girl!

Malach the Merciless said...

Ahh, the old Good Cop Bad Cop trick . .

C.Rag said...

CEO & Wanker are just crazy. It's shame that people's jobs & livelihoods are upon these nutbags' shoulders.

taxitalk said...

Wanker getting caught wanking it, I got some scary stories from Banff and Jasper, I've lived all over the canadian rockies

Anonymous said...

LoL, I love how straightforward you were, cutting right through the bs ;) Go you!

roentarre said...

Hi Elise. Great to read your story while I was overseas. A lot of cultural conflict reading posts like this. I really enjoy it. Almost like at home reading this.

Thanks for making my day better :)

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KaB said...

God, I love how forthright you are!

That'll teach the wanker to fart in church...what a twat!

Besides all the chirps, it can't be a productive working environment with all that's happening...I really hope CEO & Wanker sort their shit's quite pathetic!

Michelle Hix said...

What a dope...he drew a diagram that only contained two boxes? That con be visiualized without pencil and paper idiot! I wonder if CEO is going to make Wanker do all his dirty work too with GB?

hayley-emsley said...

OMG what an ammeateur!!!

Sounds like you put him straight!

Cocaine Princess said...

Has Bimbo ever thought about being a makeup artist? Love this latest entry girl!

Cocaine Princess

sweets said...


Kitty said...

Good for you, keep up the good work. x

Slyde said...

isnt it great you when you can put one of your "superiors" in place...

you go!

i am the diva said...

Your blog, and your life, keep me completely entertained. Gawd, if only i had your balls when i still worked at the Job-From-Hell.

B.E. Earl said...

Very nice set of balls, young lady!

Very nice! ;)

lotus07 said...

Wankers sounds like a guy that use to work in my office....ow, wait he still does.....and he doesn't know shit!!!! There must be a lot of Wankers in the Word.

happy snapper said...

OMG!! Wow, it sounds like your office life is an episode of a drama series.
Well done to you for standing up like that to Wanker!