Friday, 8 February 2008

I've decided

I haven't slept properly in a while. I have a presentation on Monday and I've only looked at it once. I can't concentrate. The Pro-Plus is giving me a dull headache.

The sun is shinning brightly today. The sky is a beautiful shade of blue. The air is fresh and cool. Why do I feel so depressed.

Solicitor didn't murder Bradley (although I'm sure he wanted to).

Solicitor is a logical person but passionate in so many ways. He expresses anger and love with intensity. After the incident Solicitor told me that he's never hated anybody as much as he hates Bradley. The very thought of him makes him shake with anger.

When he came back from Bradley's on Wednesday I feared the worst. I honestly believed that Solicitor had beaten him to a pulp. To my surprise (and relief) he hadn't. He couldn't resist one big kick in the balls when he opened the door though. I hope he's still in pain for scaring me the way he did.

Solicitor told him that if the incident went to court he doesn't have a case to defend himself. He'd be looking at jail time. Bradley nodded and told him that he'd plea guilty to all charges anyway. He wouldn't deny anything and would accept the punishment.

I believe him. Solicitor, who seriously hates the guy, believes him.

On his way out Solicitor told me that he pushed Bradley against the wall by his throat and told him that if he came within a mile of me again he wouldn't hesitate to kill him.

I asked Solicitor what he thinks I should do.

Although the relationship between Bradley and I was short lived there were certain elements that lead me to believe that the incident is a solo one. I don't think he has ever done it before and I seriously doubt he'd do it again.

Solicitor knows the details of the history and he agrees with me. After meeting Bradley he's convinced that the attack was meant for me and me alone. He still wants him to pay for it though.

Bradley is not a serial rapist or attacker. Reporting it and taking the incident to court would only serve as punishment for what he did to me. It wouldn't make a difference to other girls if he remained on the streets.

I haven't told Solicitor this because I'm sure he'll arrange some sort of counselling if I did, but I think I'm partly to blame for it. I could have avoided it if I thought things through. I feel guilty.

I don't think jail time would help Bradley. I think he needs counselling. I've decided to go to the police and tell them what happened. I don't want Bradley to go to jail I want him to get psychological help. I'm hoping that the police will help me arrange it.

I hope Solicitor understands when I tell him.

33 comments:

Michelle Hix said...

Whatever you do, don't stay silent. It needs to be on some kind of record. This guy needs to know that you are serious! On a lighter note, I got your comment about the video...try going here if you have the time...

http://youtube.com/watch?v=LmOxySc8lCM

taxitalk said...

I have a decision like that I have to make, I was once used as an alibi by a guy who broke into a girls house and raped her, he lied to the cops and got a way,later me and my girl got pregnant and I had to move to a new city, a few months later I picked him up, he was with a prostitute in a bad area, I lost the detectives number and never told anyone important, I'm going to write the official story in the blog when I actually make the call to the cops, it's scary when you find the criminal first, what happened to you sucks, the fu@#er did it once he'll do it again, think about it, power is power and it corrupts stay safe

The Divine Miss M said...

"Bradley is not a serial rapist or attacker. Reporting it and taking the incident to court would only serve as punishment for what he did to me. It wouldn't make a difference to other girls if he remained on the streets."

I seriously do not mean to be rude but you are incredibly niave on this front. Serial rapists start somewhere, there is always a first time and it comes down to whether or not they get away with it. If he does not get some sort of punishment for this his actions might well one day be repeated on another girl. I agree that counselling would be a good thing but a long hard fucking jail spell would knock some sense into those assholes who actually think that they can get away with trying to rob a woman of their dignity and force themselves on them.

There is no way that you are in any way partly to blaim for a man trying to rape you. There is nothing on this earth that you could do that could warrent such treatment and please for the love of everything on this earth do not think that. If you are then I really do suggest that you get yourself some therapy because a situation like that is not to ever be taken lightly.

I am suprised that as a lawyer Solictor would actually engage in the actions that he did anyways - you should never take the law into your own hands because that can backfire on you like there is no tomorrow.

i am the diva said...

Elise,
you've done nothing wrong, this is in no way you're fault. You did not ask for this to happen and you made it very clear to bradley that you wanted nothing to do with him.

You need to know that it's not your fault. It took me almost 10 years to admit that about my rape.

And as far as feeling guilty, you may not think he's a serial rapist, but as some other commenters have said - all serial rapists have a first, and how do you actually know that you WERE his first - have you known him his entire life?

He needs serious punishment for this kind of action, think of how guilty you'll feel if he get's off with only counselling and down the road you hear he's been arrested on rape charges, and you could have helped prevent that horror happening to someone else who ALSO did not deserve it or ask for it.

a large percentage of rapes happen with a person you KNOW. that's why its so hard to press charges, and they will use that their advantage. ask yourself this: if some fucker you'd never seen before came up to you that night, some stranger, you wouldn't think twice about pressing charges, would you?

bradley deserves jail time, and in jail he can receive the counselling you want him to get.

i know it's a hard decision, but what are you really gaining by protecting him?

hugs.

laura

The Divine Miss M said...

@laura - I'm so glad that you said that as a rape victim! My friend was raped and she was convinced that it was her fault, from an objective point of view I can clearly see it isn't her fault but for reason she was feeling guilt for it and I can not understand that!

Rape is such a major thing and it does start somewhere and the assholes that commit it need to be taken away and sent away for a bloody long time!

@Elise - get that asshole off the streets!

Getty72 said...

Hey Chipmunk! LOL!

I'm glad you are putting it on the record. Just in case....

However, I do totally agree with your friends comments above. You should under no circumstances feel remotely guilty for his actions and feelings. This guy does clearly have a psychological issue that does need addressing. Currently he is a danger to society.

Whether I agree with you or not, regarding you placing a charge against him, doesn't really matter. You just need to be sure of what you want to do - but PLEASE do not feel guilty!

Warmest regards, Mr Bean ;)

Peter Mc said...

Got to say I agree with every one else on this. No woman is to blame for a rape or any sexual assault! Not by how she acts or dresses or anything like the old cliched excuses because at the end of the day "no" always means "no"! There are just no two ways about it! Men like him give men like me and my male friends a bad name! I can't think of a lad I know who would do that to a woman! He needs punishment, even if you see it as doing it for his own good because if it really is a one off and he was serious about owning up then you shuold let him and it's closure for all involved!
I feel particularly weird commenting on all this but I just can't stop myself!! How self righteous is that!!!

Juliana RW said...

I hope you can get sleep well tonight :D

About ur comment on my blog, I don't know where and how to auditioning Jason for baby products hi hi hi hi... Do you know someone hua ha ha ha...

Trée said...

From multiple psychological angles, a very interesting post. Almost a triangle of the human psyche with the solicitor, bradley and you--each unique, each connected to the other in both the physical and the emotional. Filing a report is a good thing. As always, captivating prose. Have a peaceful if not passionate weekend Elise. :-)

Elise said...

I am going to police about this. It probably will go on record. I just don't want him to go to jail for what he did.

It sounds crazy and I know I'm not fully to blame on this but I think I should take some of the responsibility.

Its hard to understand but I have a horrible feeling of guilt in the pit of my stomach. It won't go away. I keep thinking about all the things I should have done to prevent it.

Slyde said...

Elise, im sorry but i am in agreement with Miss M here. You are comming to the wrong conclusion here by not getting this guy off the streets.

Michelle Hix said...

Elise
Something else...if that security guard wasn't there...you'd be in a lot worse shape here. Bradly's intentions were to harm you much worse than he did. If he had it his way, he would have hurt you really really bad. He needs some jail time to repent and think about his actions.

The Divine Miss M said...

Elise honey you're having the guilt that most rape victims have, they tend to believe that they are somehow at fault and could have done something to avoid it.

Truth is that you did nothing wrong, there is nothing that you could have ever done that would warrent being attack in such a truly horrific way.

Please do not feel guilt what so ever. No matter what part of the story you haven't told us no person ever has the right to force themselves on another - regardless of previous actions.

Please go speak to someone about this because if you are feeling guilt you really need someone to tell you that it isn't your fault and never ever ever ever ever could be your fault!

Elise said...

I hear what your saying Miss M and I know its not entirely my fault but I must have done something wrong. People don't attack without reason. No matter how small the reason is, there still must be one.

The Divine Miss M said...

Not sexual attack. That is for power, to get "one over you" and to basically prove their dominancy over you.

He might be punshing you for refusing to see him again, for not answering his calls or for not wanting to be with anymore. But any of those things are not worth what he did to you and you have full right not to want to do any of those things.

You could not ever have done anything that would warrent him trying to rape you or putting that much fear in you.

His stalking was affecting your life, you were scared, you were thinking of him constantly. That is what he wanted, think of that power he now has over you.

Elise you did NOTHING wrong what so ever.

Kathleen Mortensen said...

Don't go alone when you go the police station. Take someone with you, just in case. Bradley may be nursing a grudge and you don't want to be caught offguard again.
Kat

Kitty said...

I used to think I was to blame for being treated abominably too. I wasn't, and neither are you. Look after yourself. x

Malach the Merciless said...

1. you have no blame in this, and not insult you, you might want counseling yourself
2. Bradley needs to be punished for this, that is UNACCEPTABLE behavior for anyone, and in line of work, I find once people cross a certain legal line, namely: pedophilia, mruder, and rape (which is what he was attempting to do) there is no turning back from that.

lotus07 said...

This all sounds like a movie script. If it isn't, then you lead a much more exciting life than most.

Cocaine Princess said...

Sweet Elise,
Since I have been reading your posts I feel you are such a strong, independant woman. Don't let Bradely or any other person ever take that away from you. Go to the police please!!
XOXOXOXO,
Cocaine Princess

Cocaine Princess said...

P.S.

Don't lose sleep over him. He's not worth it.

XOXOXOXO,
Cocaine Princess

B.E. Earl said...

Solicitor showed restraint by merely kicking him in the nuts. I'm not so sure I would have been as calm.

Everything you've written about Bradley can be summed up with two words: bad guy.

He's a bad guy and he needs to go to jail. If not for what he did to you, then what he will do to other women in the future. Note that I didn't say "might do". He will do this again, and next time there probably won't be a security guard to stop him.

You've done nothing wrong up to this point. Rape is not something shared by two people. He raped or tried to rape you. You did nothing to encourage it. There is nothing that can be done to encourage rape in a rational mind. His is not. Jail time and therapy are the answers.

You've done nothing wrong up to this point.

Letting him off easy would be your first mistake.

B.E. Earl said...

PS - I hope you are doing okay. This sucks!

Malach the Merciless said...

I don't want to minimize this situation, but this has been running through my head all day thinking about this:

He got lucky, got lucky one time
Hitting with the girl in room five none nine
She turned her back on him facing the frame
Said, "Listen Joe don't you come here again"

White sun scattered all over the sea
He could think of nothing but her name Elise
God is the sweat running down his back
The water soaked her blonde hair black

It's a perfect day
A perfect day, Elise

He got burned by the sun
He's a lucky man
His face so pale and his hands so worn
And the sky
Let himself in room five none nine
As she turned away
Said a prayer, pulled the trigger and cried
Tell me why

It's a perfect day
A perfect day, Elise

Ah oh, It's a perfect day
A perfect day, Elise

B.E. Earl said...

PJ Harvey. Very Nice, Malach. Very nice.

Shemley said...

Elise, it is not your fault, it is irrelevant if he may or may not do this again the fact that he did this to you means that he MUST be punished. I admire your bravery for putting this down but please hun do not let him get away with this please...

here today, gone tomorrow said...

Elise, forgive me because I'm a stranger (I came over here from Malach's blog), but I have to echo what everyone else is saying. This is in no way your fault. B is a predator. Even if you look back on your behavior and think that you did certain things, no normal man is going to react in a predatory, violent way, no matter how angry and hurt he feels. This was not your fault at all.

Chickie said...

I hear what your saying Miss M and I know its not entirely my fault but I must have done something wrong. People don't attack without reason. No matter how small the reason is, there still must be one.

No, sweetie! You did nothing wrong! People don't attack without reason - his reason is he's a controlling loon throwing a temper tantrum of the worst kind.

Not. Your. Fault.

Will said...

~~Keep yourself safe, and find happiness where you can.

~~You're bound to find the right man.

~~all the best, Elise.

x,Will
Ps: kisses* for Valentines!:)

A Girl, A Boy, and Me said...

I think you will sleep better knowing he is in jail and not lurking about. Press charges.

astrogalaxy said...

Elise,

You are not even 0.000000001% in any way WRONG!
You have everyone's support here.
Take Care and don't think too much.

Clueless Cat said...

ohmigod elise! I just caught up on your posts - that is CRAZY! Thank GOD the security guard was around when Bradley attacked you. I don't know how you were able to write about it - it's so traumatising! Anyway, I'm so glad you're ok, and that solicitor is taking care of you and of things.

Just one more thing - you are NOT to blame, this isn't wholly, or partly, or even just a little bit your fault! How were you meant to know that Bradley would actually come and attack you?? (Btw - smart move on dropping the keys!!)

Chin up lady, I'm so glad you're ok!! Hopefully Bradley gets what he deserves.

xoxo

roentarre said...

Elise, sometimes a cool and calm person could lost its cool with things he or she feels passionate about. You are a lucky woman and treasure this lovely person doing everything he can for you.

Sometimes punishment needs to be there serving its purpose. Not everyone is sensible and respectful.