The Shampoo Attack

I presented to Sanyo yesterday morning.

I didn't have much time to prepare for it as I spent most of last week feeling sorry for myself. It's not the first time I haven't prepared for a presentation. I usually slip into a professional mode and I somehow manage to pull it off.

Not this time.

My audience were three women. For some reason Women are much more difficult to present to. They look for mistakes. They compete with each other to ask the most complicated questions. If anything is going to go wrong in a presentation it normal happens at the end during the discussion.

I messed up right at the beginning.

"As Sony have a large range of products, catering for different consumer groups..."

Gay Boss went red in the face. What did I do wrong?

Shit! I'm presenting to Sanyo not Sony!

I felt a wave of hysteria erupt as I realised my mistake. I had to fight to keep myself from laughing out loud. The three witches stared at me in silence. One of them was writing something down on her notepad.

That's it. I've fucked it up.

I somehow got through the rest of the presentation without any further hiccups. I doubt we'll hear from them anytime soon.

Gay Boss was livid. He had a "chat" with me when they left.

"What the fuck is wrong with you? I can't believe you could be so fucking stupid. You completely fucked up!"

He tends to swear a lot when he's angry.

Logically I knew how serious this was but I still couldn't repress my laughter. I buried my face in my hands and silently shook while Gay Boss stalked up and down my office ranting and raving.

I decided to stay put in my office for the rest of the day to "reflect on my current issues".

At 5:30 on the dot I picked up my bag and locked up my office. For some odd reason I was happy. I'd completely messed up a potentially great deal but I was happy.

I got to the bottom of the stairs when I sudden rush of pain enveloped my head. I gripped the banister to keep my balance. I stayed still. The pain disappeared as quickly as it came. I took a deep breath.

Another pain rush. It felt like my brain cells were exploding.

I sank down onto the first step and cradled my head. I couldn't breath. What was happening to me?

"Oh my God! Elise!"

Bimbo came running down the stairs and sat down beside me.

Another rush of pain.

I gripped her hand.

"I think I'm dying."

I honestly did. You read about these things all the time. A perfectly healthy person dying on the spot with an intense headache.

Bimbo panicked. She burst into tears. Her panic had a huge effect on me. The pain suddenly got blindingly worse. I couldn't speak.

Bimbo called Stoner from her phone while she held me. He was there within a minute. The two of them walked me to Bimbo's car. Stoner sat in the back with me. My head seemed to get worse. Shooting pains running through my brain. I had to remind myself to breath.

"She's having a brain haemorrhage!" Bimbo sobbed from the drivers seat. "I love you Elise. I haven't told you this before but I really do."

"She's not having a brain haemorrhage!" Stoner shouted back. "She's experiencing an allergy attack. Did you use a new shampoo?"

....

"You've experienced an anxiety attack."

The doctor at the hospital was very definite about it. The waves of pain had slowly diluted by the time he saw me. I was left with a dull headache.

"But I'm happy!" I cried out. Honestly, the doctor didn't know what he was talking about. Doctors make mistakes all the time. Remember that surgeon that left his forceps in a patient and sewed him up? The headache was not an anxiety attack. I'm not anxious about anything.

He smiled kindly and squeezed my shoulder.

"These things happen. The next time you experience it remember to take a deep breath and relax as much as you can. It will pass. Would you like me to prescribe some medication?"

This was embarrassing. I shook my head.

I told Bimbo and Stoner that it was an allergy attack. Bimbo freaked out and asked what shampoo I had used.

"Um... it was Morrison's own brand."

Sorry Morrison's, it just came out! I'm sure your product range is very safe.