Wednesday, 11 March 2009

The Homewrecker at Number 26

So I haven't had much to write about. The past few months have been BORING.

But last night I had a little adventure... and found something else to occupy my time.

It all started at around 11pm. I offered to make Solicitor a cup of tea. When I opened the fridge door I realised that I'd forgotten to buy some. So, desperate as we were, Solicitor and I slipped on some clothes and decided to take a drive to the off licence.

When we approached the car we both noticed the front passenger door at the same time. It was wide open and the window had been smashed. The car had been broken into.

Solicitor sighed and told me to go inside the house and find the insurance details while he tried to sort out the mess. He slipped me the keys and walked over to the car to assess the damage.

As I started back to the house a tearful voice stopped me.

"Excuse me."

A rather chubby middle aged woman stood a few meters away from me. She was drenched from head to toe.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

"Do you know who lives at number 26?" She asked

"Not really. Why?"

"My husband!"

The woman dissolved into tears. I'm a compassionate person. The car crisis was completely forgotten as I put my arms around her.

"What's wrong?" I asked her gently.

She stepped back and blew her nose.

"He told me he's going away on business. But he isn't! I followed him. He came here. I know he's sleeping with her. I just know it!"

Okay. Wow. I was torn between going into the house and finding insurance details and listening to this woman's story.

"Please help me." She cried.

"Okay. Um. What can I do?"

"Keep and eye out. Let me know if he comes out of that house. I know he's at number 26 and I'm not losing 20 years of marriage because of that cow!"

She gave me her mobile number and before I knew it I'd promised to call her with any updates. She even showed me a photograph of her husband on her phone!

To be honest I have no idea how I got myself into the situation. Solicitor was flashing me impatient looks, I had to get inside and find the details. The woman just kept talking and before I knew it, I'd agreed to help her.

So, as I ruffled through papers I tried to think back. Number 26 had always been pleasant. I'd never actually spoken to her but she always smiled and waved. She didn't seem like a home wrecker. Maybe the tearful woman had made a mistake. I mean maybe she thought she was following her husband but she was just following some random guy in a blue Nissan. It could happen!

I found the insurance papers and skipped out of the house slamming the door behind me.

Oh shit!

I'd left the keys on the desk! I knew I'd forgotten them as soon as I heard the door shut. I pushed the door hoping that it would miraculously open. It didn't. Obviously.

I pasted a smile on my face and walked slowly to the car. I handed the papers to Solicitor wordlessly. He glanced down with a frown.

"We may as well lock up the car. It's not going anywhere. We'll patch up the window and wait until morning."

I nodded.

"So, where's the keys? I need to lock up."

I nodded


"Okay, about the keys... They're in the house."

Solicitor stared at me.

"I locked them in." I explained dumbly.

More staring.

"But it's okay." I said brightly "Because your mother has a spare, right?"

He slowly shook his head. "We replaced the lock three days ago. Remember?"

I remembered. We hadn't given any spares out. Damn! Solicitor looked angry.

"I didn't mean to! That woman's husband is cheating on her and I was thinking about number 26 and-"

"What the hell is the matter with you!?" Solicitor snapped. "Can't you, for once, focus on what you're supposed to be doing instead of indulging in mindless gossip?"

"I was, I just-"

"Look. Just go and get the milk. And for fuck's sake stay out of trouble."

Okay, that hurt. I didn't mean to forget the keys. I bit my lip and turned in the direction of the shop.

I got back half an hour later. Solicitor had calmed down. Don't get me wrong, he was still pissed off. He'd called a locksmith. We had to wait around for an hour. If it wasn't so late we could have knocked on a neighbours door but it was coming up to midnight and we didn't want to disturb anyone.

The locksmith turned up and hour late. Instead of picking the lock with tools, he drilled through the lock and replaced it. When I asked why he didn't just pick it, he looked at me scornfully.

"I don't think Yale would be too pleased if it could be picked with a screwdriver."

(I didn't know who Yale was. And I wasn't going to ask. I googled it later and realised that they make front door locks.)

The total cost of going out to get milk last night was £209.89

The insurance cost for replacing window: £69
The cost of locksmith: £140
The cost of semi-skimmed milk £0.89

While we drank our much deserved cup of tea Solicitor asked me about the woman. I told him the full story. He shook his head

"God, I thought number 26 was too nice to be a home wrecker."

"Oh my God! That's what I thought!" I gasped back


presious said...

ok, you write this long, interesting story...what was the results of the homewrecker? YOu can't just leave us hanging like that! That's just wrong!

Shania said...

I absolutely loved your blog. I can't wait for your next entry.

Michelle Hix said...

Hi Elise!!! I just saw your email come thru (actually, bloggers email telling me that you commented on my blog) and I immediately came running to see what you had posted (FINALLY GIRL!)

I just had a $400 repair to my car just this morning...I feel for you. Seems so pointless.

Wow, the lady...poor thing. I hope she gains some strength through this...enough to kick him to the curb if he's cheating on her.

What's up with work? With Bimbo's baby? With Amy? How are you and solicitor doing?

Elise said...

LOL! I love welcome backs like that Michelle! I will update you on everything as soon as I can.


Trée said...

Elise, you are back like dynamite! So nice to see a new post and watch your skill with word flow as ink upon page, as river into gulf, as a bird into the sky. And, for the record, the nice ones are always the most decadently delicious. :-D

Bruce said...

Geez, where the hell have you been? Do you know how many times I almost deleted you from my blog list but thought, "She might come back someday, I'll leave here on there." Thought you might have been run over by a bus.

So now we are all going to want to know about #26. All the juicey details....and while you are at it, why has life been so boring, what 'hasn't' been going on?

Malach the Merciless said...

Nice to have you back, so you do other PI work?

B.E. Earl said...

It's funny how events cannonball like that, isn't it?

Peter Mc said...

The woman at No.26 isn't the home wrecker, the husband cheating on his wife is!!!!!!! x

taxitalk said...

I would have settled with some lemon
I thought the women was actually the one who smashed the window

Slyde said...

i am completely anal about my keys..

before i close ANY door, i pat myself down like a cop until im sure i have my keys...

Kitty said...

Hey Elise! Good to see you back, girl! What's been going on with you and solicitor? Are you working again?

Of course, now we all want to know whether the nice lady at #26 is having the affair. And even if she is - maybe she doesn't know he's married?


Cocaine Princess said...

Elise why you do disappear for months and suddenly reappear? I wish you would keep your readers updated from time to time to let them know you're still alive!

I must say I sometimes don't like the way solicitor talks to you.

I am glad you're back. I have MISSED YOU.


Creativestudent said...

Hi Elise! Really great story - I hope you let us know if you saw the man come out of the house!! Can't believe you missed that dance in liverpool street station as well - it would have been a great wake up call!!! Pop back over soon, I hope you are well!