Wednesday, 8 April 2009

Arguments and Laxatives

Solicitor and I are not speaking. We had a huge argument last night.

Brother-In-Law dropped by last night with his new girlfriend. She's great. Swift thinking with a sharp wit. We got on like a house on fire.

Brother-In-Law brought up the conversation about bulimia. He'd seen a thin girl purchasing three boxes of laxatives and couldn't believe the shop attendant sold them to her without questioning her.

"A shop attendant can't question someone about their purchases." Girlfriend laughed. "If some guy bought three bottles of lube the guy wouldn't question him about his personal habits. This is no different."

"Yes it is." Brother-In-Law argued. "Laxatives are dangerous. Lube isn't."

We argued about the moral obligation of the shop attendant for a while before the subject shifted to the actual eating disorder.

"I don't understand why someone would do that to themselves." Brother-In-Law said shaking his head in disgust. "You don't even lose weight doing it."

"It's not about losing weight." I argued. "It's about feeling that you have."

Solicitor and Brother-In-Law looked skeptical. Girlfriend nodded.

"I think I understand what your saying." She said slowly. "Some days you feel fatter than others, regardless of how much you weigh."

"Exactly. Laxatives just makes you feel good." I paused. "I'm assuming." I added.

The conversation soon shifted onto another subject.

When Brother-In-Law and Girlfriend left Solicitor studied me seriously.

"I didn't realise you had an eating disorder." He said quietly.

"I don't." I retorted. "Why the hell would you think that? Have I ever said no to food?"

"I didn't say you have, I said you had."

"You don't know what your talking about. Just because I understand the other side of the fence, it doesn't mean I've been there." I argued angrily. "I have an A-level in psychology, remember? I learnt a little about the disorder."

Solicitor was quiet for a while.

"You want to tell me what happened?"

I lost my temper.

"I don't have a problem and I never have had one!" I shouted. "What's you're problem? Just because your ex wife is fucked up it doesn't mean that I am."

"Aimee has got nothing to do with this." He bit out angrily. "This is about you."

I shouldn't have mentioned Aimee. I could tell that I hit a nerve and I should have stopped there.

"Are you sure this isn't about you?" I said defiantly. "You're marriage failed because she was a smack head. Looking for a problem with me?"

Solicitor lost his temper and slammed his fist against the door frame.

"What the fuck is the matter with you?" he yelled

"Nothing!" I screamed "What the hell is wrong with you?"

"I asked you one fucking question and you've lost your mind! You're acting like a psychopath."

"Leave me alone." I shouted slamming the bedroom door in his face.

He left me alone. He slept in the spare room. I didn't sleep all night. I kept staring at the door hoping that he would come back. But he never did.

This morning I heard him get up for work. Instead of waking up and making him breakfast I kept my eyes closed and pretended to be asleep.

I haven't called him all day and now I can't stop thinking about it.

I'm not angry at him, I'm angry at me. I said some horrible things. He was right I acted like a psychopath.

I don't have a problem. I have enough self confidence and I'm actually happy with my image. But when I was 14 it was a different story. It wasn't that serious. I didn't make myself terribly ill. I'd call it a phase that I went through, a way of dealing with some things.

I haven't told Solicitor about it. I guess deep down I'm really afraid. I know it's against all logical thought, but I'm worried that he'll think I'm like Aimee.

He'll be late home today. He text me earlier:

Got a meeting at 6. Be home after that.

I guess he's still angry. He normally leaves a kiss at the end of texts.

7 comments:

Cocaine Princess said...

Brother-in-law's girlfriend sounds like a pistol. She's very blunt much like someone I know.

I don't think I've ever met a woman who doesn't worry about their weight. I pop one tiny M&M in my mouth and for the rest of the day I feel guilty. Some guys don't understand, like when we retain water I feel as if I should be a contestant on The Biggest Loser.

Elise I do hope you and solicitor patch things up and for you to receive your text kiss.

Trée said...

This post hits so close to home in so many ways I feel a need to reach across the pond to hug and be hugged. And, as usual, the writing makes my neurons tingle and my fingers ache to caress my keyboard. :-)

Bambi said...

We all worry about weight, how can we not when every magazine we see is about beauty, but only if you look like 'this'. I'm so sorry for the argument, maybe you can use this as a way to get closer and let him in? It's hard to open up about secrets like that, but you were young, and frankly, we all do stupid shit at that age that later we realize wasn't the best choice, surly he'd understand. Hugs to you my friend.... It's a beautiful spring day.

presious said...

Elise,

As I read your post, I knew there was something in your past that you had dealt with. Though I do feel he does not understand the whole psychological process behind bulima and that the store clerk is not the cusmoter's doctor and has no right to question the purchase, your response demonstrated something much deeper within you.

From his approach to you about your past, he seems to be gentle in his interest. However, you would know better than anyone because you obviously know him better.

A question I might ask of yourself, "How did he handle his ex-wife's issues?" If he responded in a kind, understanding way with her, chances are he will with you also. Also, you may ask yourself if his nature is to at least "try" to understand.

If you can answer both of these questions within a reasonable range of kindness, then I would think your secret would be safe with him.

Use your judgement, weight your knowledge of him and his personality. You are with him for a reason. Perhaps one of those reasons is his ability to be loving. Perhaps, he tried with his ex and she was not able to comply. You are not his ex. You are a completely different person.

In the meantime, it might be a good idea to apologize for hurting him. That way, you two are back in good relations with each other.

Think about it.

Elise said...

Thank you Precious,

I know your right. I haven't stopped thinking about it. xx

Natasha said...

I can totally relate. I had a phase too but it had absolutely nothing to do with weight. Rather with depression and how to take control of my life. My husband kind of knew at the time but we have never really discussed it. I don't know what to recommend to you. But I would certainly apologise for exploding even if you don't go into all the ins and outs. Hope things get better soon.

Elise said...

Natasha: That's exactly it! It has nothing much to do with weight. If it did I probably would have gone on a diet or something. It was just a very weird time. I'm glad that there are other people that understand that. xx