Thursday, 4 June 2009

Sunflowers

Solicitor bought me some sunflowers today. Beautiful flowers. My favourite flowers. I love the way the flower is so open. Yellow always makes me smile.

My baby is gone and I don't know why. I keep thinking back to everything I did that day, everything I ate. I even listed the ingredients on the back of all the packages and googled the potential dangers.

Solicitor's worried. I don't mean to worry him, I just don't want to talk about it. I feel too guilty.

The day it happened was a day like any other. Solicitor was in the living room watching the evening news. The weather was so beautiful. We were going to go to the park for a walk. I went to change my shoes and go to the bathroom.

I didn't even feel any pain until I saw the blood.

I never thought it would happen. It sounds so selfish, but I truly believed that it would never happen to me.

I walked into the living. So calm. It was like it was someone else walking. I told Solicitor that I wanted to go to the hospital.

I wanted to drive. It sounds crazy, but I was so angry with him when he took the keys away from me. I didn't understand why he wouldn't let me, and I dissolved into sobs.

He's the greatest man in the world. He held me close when they told us and he never let me go.
He was upset too, I could see it in his eyes, but he stayed strong for me.

I wish he wasn't upset. It makes me feel worse knowing that he lost something too. I was supposed to look after our son, but I failed.

Its been a few days. I've spoken to lots of people. They're all very sorry. If I need anything, they're all there for me.

Grandmama spent yesterday with me. She made me hot chocolate. When I didn't drink it she poured me a whisky, my first drink in months. She packed away the baby stuff. I told her to throw it away but she said that she'd take it with her and save it for me.

Bimbo cried more than I did. I felt myself shaking when she called. I couldn't speak to her for long, it was too emotional.

Mother made me the most angry. She told me that it doesn't matter. It wasn't planned so it shouldn't be too much of a loss. I hung up on her and I refuse to speak to her.

Sister was the easiest to talk to. Misery likes company. Its a sad fact. I told her I didn't want to talk and she told me that she did. She cried because her marriage is over and I felt useful when I comforted her.

I shouldn't feel glad to hear her troubles. I love her and I truly wish she wasn't going through what she is. But she's the only one I can speak to over the phone. If she wasn't going through her own troubles I would have hung up on her too.

14 comments:

Bina said...

I am so very sorry. I know that's not enough but I don't know what else to say.

I'm leaving you a link to a blog friend that recently went through the same thing. I'm hoping it will help you, but I'm not sure how. I wish I could hug you. And my God. I can't believe your own mother would say something like that.

Just copy and paste the link. It doesn't look blue so I'm not sure if you can click on it or not.

http://imreallynotthatdeep.blogspot.com/2009/04/this-is-going-to-offend-great-many-of.html

Cocaine Princess said...

Elise my heart breaks and aches for you....Kiss, kiss.....

La Gringa said...

You can't blame yourself for something that is out of your control. We go forth with the best intentions but in truth we have very little say in how it plays out.

I feel your pain. Don't let it make you afraid.

Athena said...

I'm so sorry. Do not blame yourself! Your body has it's reasons... it knew that it wasn't the right time, that something was wrong. But that is NOT your fault.
Love and light to you...

Trée said...

Thoughts and prayers Elise. Sending all the virtual hugs I have.

Getty72 said...

Elise, there are times when I wish I could reach my arms through the screen of my laptop and give a long warm cuddle. This is really and truly one of those moments. Elise, I just want you to know that you are in my heart and in my thoughts....

Please take care, your friend always ~ Graham xxxxxx

presious said...

Elise,

I am so very sorry. I can't imagine how you must feel. I am speechless. I wish I could just give you a huge hug. :(

Doing something for closure sometimes helps to ease the feelings. Maybe a small memorial or ceremony. I pray you don't feel guilty or that you failed. Sometimes that is just the way it goes. There are no answers. Nature, God, just does what it/He does. You did all you could to take care of both of you.

Yes, it will hurt for a while, but you did your best. Know that we all loved him/her, even before he/she was born.

Much love to you

Malach the Merciless said...

My God . . . I am very sorry, I can't even imagine what that must be like . . .

angel said...

OMG Elise...
I am so so very sorry...
My heart simply aches for you and solicitor, and I can't imagine what you must be feeling.
I am sorry your mom is being so odd about it, and I am glad you're not alone.

Slyde said...

im so sorry honey.. thats just terrible, sad news. i dont know what else to say...

Polgara said...

I'm so very very sorry to hear your news.My thoughts are with you hun, let your man look after you for a while.
Pol x

Natasha said...

I am so very very sorry. I am sending you huge hugs. I can't imagine how you are feeling. Take care of yourself.

Kitty said...

Hey Elise. I'm just doing a bit of lurking and saw this post. You know I know how you feel ... I'm so very, very sorry.

For what it's worth, when Solicitor says give yourself time to heal, I think he's right. Let yourself be you again - marry that gorgeous man. Then try again. I have no doubts that you will be a mother - I know that's hard to accept now, but you will.

Take care of yourself. xxx

Hayley-Emsley said...

Ohhhh Elise, my heart goes out to you and solicitor!!

I know how you feel, i have been through it twice, planned or not planned, you still feel for the baby regardless, your mum is out of order!!

Be strong babe.... xxxx