Lunch with Preppy

I met Preppy for lunch at a local Weather Spoons pub. After ordering food and drinks at the bar we carefully made our way through the crowded tables holding glasses filled to the brim with Jack Daniels and coke. (I know we're working but one drink won't hurt!) I noticed that she couldn't stop staring at my pink fishnet tights. Once we had sat down I laughed and told her about my morning ladder experience and Bimbo coming to the rescue.

"Oh that explains it!" She laughed, "I thought the pink was a bit too slutty for you. Suits her though!"

I know its hypocritical but for some odd reason that little dig pissed me off. I suddenly realised that Bimbo is probably my best friend at work. She's always there to make me laugh, groom my eyebrows, paint my nails etc. I ignored the comment and moved the conversation swiftly onto Piggy's crush on 4eyes.

Preppy spoke to her yesterday and invited her out on a girls-only drink after work for next Friday. She plans to get her drunk enough to spill the beans. I decided to elaborate on that plan just as an experiment. This is our final strategy:

• We're going to invite a few more girls so it looks like a real girls-night-out thing. I'll pop into Admin tomorrow and invite Bimbo and the girls and Preppy is going to invite the two other girls in Accounts.


• I'll go see Stoner in the Creative department and ask him for a small favour. As we are planning a girls-night-out maybe he can plan a boys night out on the same night. (LOL an advanced leaving party for Old Prick)


• Whilst pub crawling we all accidentally end up in the same place. Hopefully Piggy and Old Prick will be legless at this point.


• Maybe something might happen....

It occurred to Preppy and I over lunch that Piggy and Old Prick are pretty much perfect for each other. If this doesn't work I'm sure we'll get many embarrassing stories for work the next week...

The ladder experience

This morning a had a ladder experience.

I was running slightly late for work today. I blame this on the fact that when I woke up it was practically the middle of the night and I felt cheated out of sleep. It was still dark and gloomy at 7am as I rushed through the tube station with a copy of The Metro newspaper tucked under my arm and a steaming raspberry tea in my other hand. The Metro slowly began to slide from my arm and I instinctively reached down to rescue it. In the process I spilt the hot raspberry tea all over my skirt and my nail caught my tights ripping a gigantic hole up the outside of my thigh. (Thank God my legs are freshly waxed!)

I arrived to work at 7:45am looking like a tramp. The ladder in my tights had somehow expanded and stretched across the fool length of my leg and my light grey skirt had a huge contrasting pink stain down the front. The added tragedy is that I didn't even have time to read The Metro. I walked straight to Admin in search of Bimbo. She seems like the type that may have a spare pair of tights with her at all times. She gasped when she saw me and snapped into action. She did have a spare pair of tights but they were hot pink fishnets. Slightly slutty but I guess beggars can't be choosers. And, being the angel that she is, she used cotton pads and nail varnish remover to treat the pink stain. What a life saver!

I invited her join me and Preppy for lunch to show my gratitude but she quickly refused. She apparently has work to do....

Office Gossip

I spent yet another day away from my office. Gay Boss and Old Prick had another confidential meeting regarding Old Prick's invitation to leave. God knows what more they have to discuss. This is dragging on far too long, my ideas for reorganising and decorating the office have been put on hold.



I spent the morning in Admin with Bimbo "going over the schedule". As usual Bimbo had the latest issue of Vogue spread out on her desk along with her industrial sized make-up bag. Today she decided to try out the dark smokey look on me; modeled on five spreads by an insanely thin model with dark skin and unnaturally blue eyes. There's something very therapeutic about make-overs. I'm not sure whether its the feeling of soft brush strokes massaging the face or the anticipation of what you're going to look like in the end. Maybe its the combination, coupled with Bimbo's mindless chatter. I allowed myself to relax and enjoy the pampering for a full two hours.



I left Admin around 11:30am looking beautiful. I convinced Bimbo to remove the smokey look and redo my face to suit "the office look". She reluctantly agreed even though it looked "really, really nice!". She definitely should have been a professional make-up artist.



I decided to toddle off to Accounts to waste time and to see if anything new had happened. Accounts is usually the most boring department in the company, most people take life way too seriously. Whenever I walk towards their offices a little voice inside my head tells me to walk professionally.



There are a few simple techniques to walking professionally:


1) Stand up straight and rigid, shoulders back, chin up.

2) Always walk with a purpose and with the heel-toe rhythm (heel-toe-hell-toe...)

3) When passing other colleagues make eye contact and give a swift nod

4) Arms by your sides and absolutely no fidgeting


When I arrived I was greeted by Piggy with a loud snort. Piggy definitely has the worst attitude in the world. As usual there was a tight frown on her sweaty pink face and her beady eyes scornfully sized me up. "He's not here" she stated. Who? What the hell is she on about? "and if I were you I'd be ashamed. Trying to mess about with a married man." Piggy stomped passed me, her limp pony-tail swinging viciously from side-to-side.


I stood still. Extremely confused and angry that Piggy could ever accuse me of anything like it. Preppy, who had over heard Piggy's outrageous comment smiled kindly and offered me a cup of tea. I don't think I've ever properly spoken to Preppy before, other than the swift nod I hardly see her. She seems nice enough.


Over a nice cup of tea Preppy explained Piggy's accusation. A couple of weeks ago Piggy saw me and 4eyes slip into the disabled toilets together and lock the door. She jumped to the conclusion that there was something going on. (For the real story behind that read blog: Monday Morning Clarity...) Preppy also told me that Piggy has a major crush on 4eyes. Wow, Accounts isn't so boring after all!


Preppy is quite good to talk to. The two of us seem to have similar personalities. She doesn't like Piggy almost as much as I hate Old Prick.


We're having lunch tomorrow. I think a bit of mischief is on the menu.....

Dirt from the horse's mouth...

The sun is setting on Old Pricks time at our beloved company.

Gay Boss had planned a one-to-one meeting with Old Prick for this morning. Around 5:25pm yesterday Old Prick told Gay Boss that he would like to bring a friend to the meeting to take notes. Being an understanding person Gay Boss realised that Old Prick needed somebody there to stop him from saying something stupid. He agreed and suggested the meeting should be held in the office that Old Prick and I share. I have to admire Gay Boss at times. Having the meeting in our office is an attempt to put Old Prick's mind at ease...

I was desperate to stay in my office this morning. There's nothing like dirt from the horses mouth. However, I was advised to spend time with the Creative time to "enhance my understanding of that division".

For hours Scruffy Artist, Stoner and I gossiped and swapped information on the Old Prick situation. Apparently Old Prick had written an eight page document on the working relationships in the company and emailed it to Gay Boss late last night as part of his "evidence".

Of course being a tad curious I wanted to read the document. Scruffy Artist is apposed to anything "wrong", and in his eyes hacking into Gay Boss's computer is wrong. So Stoner and I walked to Gay Boss's office, typed in his password and quickly printed off a copy.

Old Prick is a wanker!

He said that Gay Boss and I have never been able to work together and that the only reason we are now communicating is because Old Prick mended and developed our relationship. What a lie! Old Prick has always been jealous that Gay Boss and I have a good working relationship.

He also said Gay Boss does not have a good working relationship with Scruffy Artist and they hardly speak to each other. Gay Boss and Scruffy Artist go out for drinks after work with other people from the company. They have a great working relationship and there have never been any problems.

Not only is Old Prick a wanker, he is also a liar!

He criticised Stoner for being late to work every day. Stoner works flexi-hours and he always makes up the time. The Creative team have nothing to do with Old Prick anyway. Their business doesn't concern him at all.

He criticised Bimbo and the other people in Admin for "slow response", whatever the hell that means.

He even had bad words to say about Accounts! Old Prick knows nothing about accounts.

If this pile of crap is the only evidence Old Prick can find to support his case... well he has no case! Nothing written in the document was factual or even close to the truth and it definitely has no relevance to the fact that Old Prick is incompetent and can not do his job.

I'd be lying if I said that the document didn't bother me. I was so angry I wanted to print out more copies and distribute them around the company. Stoner reminded me that we shouldn't have seen it and that it will only cause trouble for us. I hate it when he's right.

Old Prick has taken the rest of the day off. Gay Boss hasn't said anything about the meeting yet. He will.... At some point tomorrow.

Negative can mean Positive...

Is absolutely freezing today. I arrived at my office shortly after 8am wrapped up in layers of jumpers, scarfs coats etc. Old Prick was manically printing out documents and filling them away in blue manila folders. I smiled innocently while I unwrapped my many layers. "Big presentation coming up?" He was desperately trying to hide the contents of the many sheets of paper by stuffing them into his desk draw. Clearing his throat he tried to act "normal" again.

As much as I love making him uncomfortable I was dying for a nice raspberry tea so I trotted down to Admin to ask Bimbo if she wanted breakfast. When I found her she looked awful. (Bimbo normally looks like a model; hair, make-up, nails etc always flawless, so by awful I mean she hadn't groomed herself to perfection)

She ordered a hot-chocolate with extra whipped cream and a flake, along with chocolate chip muffins. Okay this has got to be bad. I prepared myself for tears over a death in the family or a relationship breakdown. I did not expect her to say what she did;

"I went to have a smear test on Friday. My test results say its negative!" Tears welled up in her eyes and she struggled not to sob out loud. "What am I going to do?"

I had to bite my lip to stop myself from laughing. I mean honestly how dumb can you be! I slowly explained to her that negative means that everything is okay. Bimbo was so relieved she cried. Why do people keep doing that around me? I mean everyone was looking at us!

After sobbing her heart out Bimbo dragged me to her office and pulled out her industrial sized make-up bag. She insisted on giving me a makeover for "saving her life". I left Admin feeling happy and pretty...

I'm off to find out the dirt on Old Prick. Judging from this morning I guess the countdown is about to begin... Tick Tock!

I am tired and pissed off.... and completely fucked!

Its Friday morning and I am tired and pissed off.

Last week Gay Boss went through all employees' emails and found emails from Old Prick. He even called up all of our clients and got emails sent to them from Old Prick. (My plan had the same outcome but it sort of involved hacking into the administrative computer and stealing and copying. I'm glad I didn't do it. How stupid would that have been!) Between big meetings and organising key events this week, Gay Boss filed all emails and other evidence into folders for the lawyer. Needless to say he had a long week.

Old Prick is still acting "normal". He doesn't seem to realise that everybody knows everything and that we all hate him.

Earlier this week I had a meeting with a couple of directors and a seriously smart mathematician. (I never even knew you could do that as a profession!). I'm not exactly the dumbest person in the world but for five long hours I had absolutely no idea what was being said. The conversation was a bit too technical. I maintained a professional appearance and often agreed with the mathematician: "Of course I completely understand your point of view, but in my opinion the formula proposed seems to incorporate the best possible outcome for all our needs."

At the time I think I pulled if off. They all took my opinion into consideration. This morning I received an email from one of the directors suggesting that we individually write up a report on the outcome of the meeting stating the pros and cons. He thinks it will give more insight to every body's thoughts on the matter and will help with the final decision.

I don't know what to do... I'm tired and pissed off... and its safe to say I'm completely fucked!

Formulating a plan...

I came in at 7:30am to catch up with work. The odd thing about my position is that although it is high and although my pay-check is quite comfortable there isn't an awful lot of work to do. I do quarterly reports for existing clients. I call, present and follow up with new contacts and generally see that things are running smoothly within my department.

Old Prick does the same thing I do with different clients and contacts. He spends all day working. He even eats his lunch at his computer. I have no idea why it takes up so much time. His presentations and reports end up in such a bad state, looking very GCSE, he's either a complete idiot or he spends more time on other things.

Anyway, it almost 11am and my days work is pretty much done. I've completed two presentations and my Client Reports are all ready to be emailed to them. I have a few follow-up phone calls to make later on but I'll leave them for the afternoon. I now am free to do some more snooping...

After reading Keriam's comment yesterday I have decided to take up his suggestion and discreetly look for more emails from Old Prick to other people. Because I can't tell anyone the current situation due to the confidentiality clause, I have thought of a plan.

Okay its probably just as illegal as breaching confidentiality but its going to be so worth it if I pull it off!

I'll explain everything later, and hopefully the outcome will be successful.......

If you get a chance check out Keriam's blog. Fantastic photos and poems: http://keriam-searching.blogspot.com/